My Liar

 

Though we haven’t met, we’ve been together long enough now that you’ve formed certain impressions of me.

 

You are, for example, aware of my flair for the dramatic.

woman flailing on floor wailing, "I haven't eaten since BREAKFAST! I ONLY HAD A POPTART!"

 

You might have correctly assumed, from my passionate departure from the world each autumn, that dressing up and doing creepy shit is literally what keeps my heart beating.

Morticia Addams: "Life is not all lovely thorns and singing vultures, you know"

 

Thus you are forgiven your surprise at the following factoid: I have never attended a murder mystery.

 

Correction: I hadn’t.  Until Audrey hosted one.*

 

Don’t stop now – keep reading!

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MiB International: My Favorite DELETED SCENES

 

MiB International

If you’re a fan of conspiracy theories, or sexually motivated aliens, or monochromatic swagger, then you’ve probably already seen Men in Black: International.

 

But you haven’t seen the deleted scenes… yet.

 

My darlings, I went to bat for every single one of these gems.  I begged, pleaded, and—I’m not proud—offered myself to Chris Hemsworth to get these scenes into the theatrical release.  But I was overruled… and escorted out of the building, because apparently forging a security pass is a “serious offense” or whatever.

 

They can’t erase my memories!*  Or my notes, which I scribbled furiously for your benefit.  So here, in no particular order, are my favorite deleted scenes from Men in Black: International

 

Don’t stop now – keep reading!

All Clear! (sort of)

 

Two weeks ago I warned you I was starting something you might not enjoy reading, and promised to give an “all clear” when it was over.

 

This is it.  If you read along with me, you’re all caught up; if you skipped, it’s safe to come out now.

 

For those who made the journey, I’m sorry it didn’t have a more satisfactory ending.  Believe me, I wish it all could have ended with my father here in my city with all the lovely oxygen and humidity, growing stronger every day and building a new relationship with the daughter he spent decades discarding and disregarding.

 

But, as I warned you in the beginning, this was not a work of fiction; Real Writers write lovely novels with satisfying endings—I can recommend a few, if you’re feeling emotionally battered.

 

For those who skipped this bit, I can’t promise you won’t see anything about it in the weeks to come: it’s all still very raw around here, and Husband and I are dealing with shit the way we do: by talking, constantly, and by making jokes about it when we can.  So if you run across an unfamiliar reference or character, there will be a link and you will have a choice to make.  Fortunately, all of the dire stuff is titled by Chapter, so if the link reads, Chapter #### when you hover over it, you know what you’re getting in to.

 

We will now enjoy a brief recess while I come up with something fun and silly to get us back on track.

 

And possibly reconsider my stance on day drinking alone.

 

 

 

Chapter Fifteen: The End

 

Deserve is the most useless word in our language, and should be removed from the common lexicon.

 

I’ve been reading and hearing it a lot lately;

  • You didn’t deserve to be treated like that.
  • You deserved better parents.
  • I don’t deserve to be spoken to like that.
  • I deserve to know.
  • I deserve to choose.

 

But here’s the thing: that word doesn’t matter.  Deserving something, believing you deserve it, having hoards of people say you deserve it, doesn’t change shit.

 

You get what you get.

 

As my father used to point out to me on a near-daily basis: life isn’t fair.

 

Don’t stop now – keep reading!

Chapter Fourteen: Redux

 

Jan stayed with a friend my last night in Colorado, so I had the house—and her cat—to myself.

 

I nursed my hurt with sweet tea and tater tots, waiting to get good and tired.

 

I fiddled with their remote, possibly breaking it, and finally got one channel in.[1]

 

I taught the cat new tricks.

 

I was waiting without knowing it.

 

The call came just before 1am.

 

Don’t stop now – keep reading!

Chapter 12: BOOM!

 

The day of The Meeting was also my last full day in Colorado.

 

I’d prepared my father for my departure, reminding him that with a flight leaving at noon I wouldn’t have time to run all the way up to him in the morning and still make it to Denver in time to check in.

 

I was half hoping he’d change his mind about The Meeting, decide to spend his daughter’s last day in town actually with her, but no.  As long as you make it to that meeting, I’ll be happy, he’d said.

 

So here I was, dragging my exhausted ass into the hospital for one last day on watch, and even that would be interrupted by the actual Worst Meeting Ever—and I’m including the times I had to sit and listen to a man with dreadlocks down to his ass lecture me on the poor feng shui of my desk while rearranging my shit before I’d finished my goddamned coffee.[1]

 

Don’t stop now – keep reading!