This Post is NOT Sponsored by Oreo

 

Good news: I found a place to live!

Grace Helbig raises one hand slightly and admits, "I was gonna lift my arms all the way up but I forgot I didn't shave my armpits"

 

Did this stop the brain crabs?

 

Hell no!

 

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We’re STILL the Worst

 

My brain, normally full of ferrets, is now filled with pinching, angry crabs all screaming the same thing.

 

“YOU’RE GOING TO BE HOMELESS IN A STRANGE CITY!”

masses of red crabs marching across the sand and forest in their annual migration

“You know what the problem is?  You’re too picky!  And you’re looking on the wrong sites!  And you haven’t tried ALL the paid services!  Oh, you’d better check zillow again—it’s been almost five minutes!”

 

Fucking brain crabs. 

 

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I Brought the GOOD Cupcakes

 

My friend Audrey is awesome and kind and forgiving… and completely intolerant of people moving away from her.

 

She’s also intolerant of a particular shirt I own, but we’ll get to that later.  The point is, she’s made reference several times to the fact that people who move away (and are therefore neither seen nor heard from again) are “dead to her.” 

(Parks & Rec) Leslie Knope saying "Wow, okay, well, you know what we had a good run but he's dead to me now."

Actual footage.

 

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Where I Am

 

I have news.

 

Big news.  NEWSY news. 

megaphone held against blackboard displaying the words "breaking news"

 

Actually, most of you won’t or wouldn’t care about it one way or another but it’s a major life update and will be informing like, all the things for a while so I have to tell you.

 

But I can’t just come out and tell you!  That would be normal.  Boring!  The well-traveled path of mediocrity which, we have established, shall never know the kiss of my Sketchers,* requires blurting and therefore I will not blurt.

 

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