Hand Emojis

 

Once upon a time, in the earliest days of the Facebook page, Husband was so enamored of seeing his own words mocked immortalized on the internet that he would deliberately say ridiculous things to provoke a reaction, immediately followed by an eager, “Is that going on the page?”

 

These days, he’s gone a bit shy.

 

black-and-white "shy guy" from Super Mario Bros. games

Ten cool points if you got this reference.

 

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Orchid 9-1-1

 

Show of hands, who remembers the thing where I’m accumulating plants because, according to my brain ferrets, I can totally handle the responsibility?

mean girls raise hands

 

Damn.  Y’all are paying attention.

 

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I Have So Many Questions

 

Until now this blog has been—whatever he might say—about him and the ridiculous things he says, does, thinks, or laughs at. 

 

I think it’s time to branch out.  Because I… I heard something.

 

Something that changed me.

 

 

Let me back up. 

 

Have you ever met someone who changed your life in a moment, probably without even realizing they did it?  Someone who has lived such a fundamentally different life from your own experiences that it makes you question everything (Do I really like corn flakes?  Puppies?  Sleep?  Do I really hate spiders?*) you thought you knew? 

 

I have, but this is not that story. 

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My Brain Ferrets are Garden Weasels

 

If you follow me on Instagram, you know that I’ve been on a bit of a bender lately.

 

Left: a purple calla lily plant; right: a cluster of small succulents.

My latest victims

 

 

High on Clara’s remarkable good health I went out and bought myself a plant that looked pretty but would have killed my pets.  He lives outside right now—remind me to check that he’s not toxic to bunnies, yikes.  Fresh on the heels of that near-miss, we were browsing Home Depot ( we might have actually been looking for mulch or weed killer or something else that goes outside—I really don’t pay any attention to the outside plants and they seem to appreciate it) when I saw a whole section of little potted things that promised they were easy to care for. 

 

You grow shit now!” my brain-ferrets yipped, pouncing and nipping in their excitement.

Uhh… You sure ‘bout dat, hoss?  Because—

And the brain ferrets were all, “SO FUCKING SURE!  THIS IS WHAT YOU NEEEEEEEED!”

 

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Deadpool 2: My Favorite DELETED Scenes

 

Apologies if you’re not a Marvel fan, or a Deadpool fan.* 

 

 

In all seriousness, I did consider not doing another one of these—the response to my Infinity War post was pretty lackluster and that film was an easier target.  But then I assessed the facts:

  1. This is my blog.
  2. I really enjoyed writing those “scenes.”
  3. I really really wish y’all had liked them as much as I did. Because I thought that shit was funny.
  4. There’s a nonzero chance the post was fine and I just marketed it wrong, putting the word “spoiler” in the title like a dumbass.

 

So I’m trying again, even though Deadpool 2 was conspicuously light on deleted scenes—Wade has no problem mocking himself or his source material, which leaves little on the cutting room floor.

 

nb: THERE ARE NO SPOILERS AHEAD.  ZERO.  You can absolutely read this post and then go see the movie without fear that I’ve ruined anything.  None of these scenes appear in the movie that is currently in theaters.  It’s possible some of them will be released on the DVD, but that’s bonus material and nobody told me not to spoil that shit.

Deadpool, in full suit and stripper heels, sprawls on stage beside the incomparable Celine Dion

 

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