Imagine… (NEM #61)

 

It’s Saturday, and if you’re me you’re:

  • Still in bed
  • Reading
  • Wishing you were still asleep, or that someone would at least bring you a glass of wine without judging you, oh my god when did everyone get so judgy?

 

But you’re not me, so the best I can hope for is that you’ve made me proud by refusing to wear pants. 

 

New business: it has come to my attention that we’re getting more and more new visitors each week, which is good for me because someday I’ll figure out how to turn all of my ridiculous hobbies into a paying job instead of the fake one I’ve got now, but it also means that I need to really emphasize the importance of clicking the Not Exactly Motivational link (that one right there will do nicely, or there’s one at the top of every single page of my site; I can’t speak for other websites, but they should probably also start linking to that page, just in case) so that you fully understand what you’re getting into before you go on.  Also, please share!  NEM is now available on Instagram and Pinterest, but go spread the “motivation” wherever you think people need to learn how to laugh at truly horrible things.  If all of that was old news to you, you may proceed as usual.  But don’t be smug about it, okay?  Unless you’re bringing me a damned mimosa, in which case you can pretty much do whatever you want.

 

Motivate me!

Cereal Drama

 

As previously mentioned, Husband and I tried shopping together again.  I know, I swore we wouldn’t.  And we don’t, honestly, for all the reasons you already know about… but this was Costco, and if you’ve ever been then you know that it’s just not possible to do that place alone.  Sure, you walk in with a plan and you’re only going to grab bread and canned tomatoes and ground buffalo, but then the guy with the TV’s stops you and he’s not wrong—they’re huge, and the picture quality is amazing, and it wouldn’t hurt to stop and look—but you’re smarter than that so you duck down the nearest aisle and find yourself surrounded by composite flooring samples as far as the eye can see.  Where is the food?  Miles away, and you’ve still got to get past the piles of books if you want to see produce, so good luck getting out before hunger sets in.

 

costco alcohol section

There are worse places to be stranded.

 

Don’t stop now – keep reading!

The Big Cheese (NEM #60)

 

Welcome back to another Saturday and another “motivational” edition of the internet’s favorite weekly tradition.  I’m super-excited to dive right into it this week,* so let’s skip the long intro and go straight to the warnings and disclaimers, shall we?

 

If you have a heart condition, an underdeveloped sense of humor (diagnosed or otherwise), or are the sort of person who finds yourself writing comments, emails, tweets, or other tirades including the phrase “that’s not funny”, please click the Not Exactly Motivational link provided here or at the top of any page of this blog before proceeding.  If you are a person who knows and loves NEM and all it stands for, please follow on Instagram, Pinterest, or whatever else I’ve forgotten to mention.  Ooh, and share it!  Just… share it all over the place.  Because I’ve done 60 of these now, and I’m pretty sure that’s the magic number that makes me immune to prosecution.  (If you happen to be a lawyer, please feel free to tell me what the actual magic number is, because I just made that up.)

 

Motivate me!

I Need to Meet Peter Jackson

 

Sometimes a Conversation is totally worth sharing, but it’s also really long and I’m afraid that you won’t understand… us.  I’m afraid you won’t understand that this is really how we are, that this is just a normal six or seven minutes in the car on the way back from Costco (where another thing happened, because we tried shopping together, but that’s just going to have to wait, you know?) and really this was just the last few minutes of the drive… but you don’t want to read about that time we talked politics, or money, or about the Offspring’s future.  And then I wonder what it is you do want to read about, and I start questioning everything this blog is about before I remember two things:

 

  1. It’s just a blog. Jesus, has anything in the history of everything ever mattered less?
  2. It’s my blog, so I can post whatever I want. Right?  This is not Instagram, where we’re terribly worried about impressing each other, or Facebook where we don’t want to offend anyone. *

 

sometimes I post photos I shouldn't

One could argue that most of the photos I post should have been kept to myself.

 

Don’t stop now – keep reading!

Everybody Out of the Pool!

 

Summer has officially arrived. 

wizard of oz cast melting in summer heat

That magical time of year when I finally stop bitching about the cold… to bitch about the humidity.

 

I know this because my son is home all day now, which means daytime sex with my dreamy husband is but a memory.  It also means that we don’t have to deal with all his school shit, but I’m thinking now that I’d trade all that to not have him kicking around the house all summer. 

 

Don’t stop now – keep reading!

Pride Cometh (NEM #59)

 

A sunny Saturday to you, my lovelies!  Now I know the sun was annoyingly persistent this morning but it had good reason: today is NEM Day, and even the sun looks forward to that.

 

I must preface this week’s “motivation” with an apology: I truly didn’t mean to stick with the same theme two weeks in a row, but sometimes I create an image and make a note to hold it back until something happens (it always does) to make the timing perfect for release.  See?  Totally out of my hands. 

 

Not sure why I’m so concerned about possible upset?  You’re clearly new—go ahead and click the Not Exactly Motivational link (found at the top of discerning pages across the internet).  This is also the best way to catch up with all the old NEM posts if that’s all you want to see.  If you’re looking for NEM plus some other stuff, like… whatever else I post, I’ll check in a sec*—go follow me on Instagram.  If you already knew about all of that, then you already know what to do next—so go do it already!

 

Motivate me!