I could give you a bunch of excuses about health issues (I’m fine now) and about how busy I get for basically the whole month of October but you don’t want to hear that, do you? No, you want reports and updates on the insanity is Us.
So much, you guys. Just…. so much.
Okay, so first of all I’ve been working at a haunted house this year because of course I’m doing makeup and scaring people for funsies. Duh. But Husband (prepare to be shocked) doesn’t actually enjoy le scares the way I do, which is to say at all. He actually gets bored when I make him watch scary movies, finds haunted houses kind of weird and silly, and generally only gets into the spirit of the holiday if I actually heat up the cattle prod, which he has hidden from me and won’t tell me where.
Mixed marriages. The struggle is real.
So I’m thoroughly enjoying my scares and making up people to scare and it’s all sooo much fun, right? Yeah it is! But he just smiles indulgently and waits up for me every night and zones out while I enthusiastically recount stories of people wetting themselves in terror or the clever thing I decided to do with a bit of ribbon and a stipple sponge. Then we get conversations like this one
ME: (finishes story of drunk customer who got rough and had to be escorted out)
HIM: Why would you get drunk and then pay $18 to take a tour of an old building?
ME: Because it’s haunted? Duh.
HIM: That seems like all the more reason to stay away.
ME: But. It’s. Haunted.
He hates musicals too, you guys. I just don’t know.
But here we are, me dragging him around to plan our decorations and him dragging his feet and whining about my brilliant plans to construct a massive device that will spray cobwebs all over any surface (like “going too far” is a new thing?) and I asked an innocent question on my facebook and was subjected to a flashback of this incident:
(We are at the pumpkin patch, where I obviously expected to see a few children. For some reason, on this particular day, the place is completely overrun with the screeching hyperactive under-8 crowd and it’s basically my personal version of hell.)
ME: I seriously just want to go out to the parking lot and stuff every car full of condoms.
HIM: … You know those don’t work retroactively, right?
ME: YES. But the thing that would actually solve my current problem is kind of illegal.
HIM: (mocking, squeaky voice) “Kind of illegal”
HIM: (laughing) Murdering children isn’t “kind of” illegal. It’s seriously illegal.
HIM: Actual conversation with my Wife…
I promise, I wouldn’t actually murder thousands of children. Probably.