Now that the whirl of the candy acquisition season is over and the candy GIVING season is upon us, I’m going to pause for a moment and ramble at you.
Because that’s how we do ’round here, right?
Halloween was insane but too much fun. I will be a haunter until the day I die, and every year thereafter, at least. In fact, one current side-project (because sporadically updating this blog and tweeting about my more ridiculous moments just doesn’t fill the hours the way you’d think) is to find a genuinely haunted location for a friend of mine to work after grad school. Suggestions are welcome, especially local ones.
Before I blather on about whatever else I’m going to throw at you, I have to tell you about the thing that happened when I tried to find my favorite Halloween cereal. Husband is, of course, no help at all in this situation, but at least he’s waiting patiently at the end of the aisle and not moving on without me (thing that has actually happened in the past)
ME: (standing in front of cereal display) Booberry, Frankenberry, Booberry, Frankenberry…. Where in the hell is my Count Chocula? What kind of limp wet bullshit is this?
STRANGER: (reaches past me, into a dark hole in the display, produces a box of the elusive chocolaty cereal)
ME: Oh my GOD, why would they hide it?
STRANGER: I know, I’ve been standing here for like 20 minutes wondering, just like you…. (trails off as I wander away)
ME: (walking away) Thanks! You’re the best! (to Husband, pointing over my shoulder at Stranger) I love him now.
ME: He found my Count Chocula!
HIM: Yep. I see that.
(I glance back at this moment and see a blonde woman approaching my helpful Stranger, looking confused and a little irritated. He waves his own box of Count Chocula at her, by way of apology and explanation, then points back at me and I see him trying to explain.)
ME: I wouldn’t really leave you for a man who found my cereal
HIM: I don’t know why. That’s a really big favor!
He gets it. And that’s why we work.
So Halloween came and went and we’ve settled back into our slightly more usual routine around here. I mean, there was that thing where I brought two foster dogs into the house at once without discussing it with him first (hey, in my defense, I used to be able to sneak them past him) and of course the germy masses got me good and sick so that the first half of November was spent recovering from whatever the hell was lodged in my throat, but did that stop him winding me up?
ME: (from the other room) Just make sure to leave your headphones off so you can hear the door.
ME: Did you even hear me?
ME: (comes in to check) You’re ignoring me WITHOUT the headphones to prove a point?
ME: Someday, you’ll be looking up at me, all bloody, and you’ll ask me, “why?” I want you to remember this moment. This is why.
HIM: Please don’t kill me
ME: If you’re good, I might use a pillow.
He does this all the time, so please don’t think I was overreacting. Tonight, for example, we were out picking up dinner – drive-thru tacos, because I had come home from shopping for even more sparkly Christmas ornaments (you guys, they’re so goddamned sparkly) and found that dinner wasn’t even STARTED. Hungry met hangry, and we ran back out for tinsel and tacos.
ME: (after we’ve ordered) oh, look, they have a cherry slushy thing!
HIM: (coughing) That would be good for my throat, actually
ME: See? Want to ask if they’ll add one to your order?
HIM: Can I?
HIM: Okay (backs car up)
ME: AT THE WINDOW! AT THE WINDOW!! AT! THE! WIN! DOW!
HIM: (laughing) ohhhh
HIM: (pulls forward)
ME: This is going on the blog!
HIM: I wasn’t really going to do it!
ME: On. The. Blog.
(Believe it or not, he behaves even worse when I’m driving.)
Okay, just one more and then I’m going to wander off and try to find a point to make somewhere else. I don’t know what happened here today, but let’s go ahead and blame it on the general state of fuckery in the world, k?
I’ll admit, I generally only half listen when he tells work stories. They’re boring, they involve people I will never meet, and most of the words aren’t even real words. Engineers are basically a whole ‘nother species, I’m telling you. But this one? This one I saved for you. Because I love every precious one of you*.
HIM: So I was in the cow lab today-
ME: (suddenly interested) You have a cow lab?
HIM: Calibration lab, yeah.
ME: (disappointed) Oh.
HIM: (realizing what I’d heard) So I was in the cow lab today-
ME: (giggling) yeah, I can’t listen to your story right now. Enjoying the cow lab idea
HIM: -and I’ve been asking everyone for weeks to just get the damned thing milked-
ME: (in fits now) But do you launch them in the wind tunnel?
HIM: Well how ELSE are we going to teach them to fly?
*I love you even MORE when you comment. Just sayin’.