Good news! Husband is much happier with the last post.
(He’s still hella bitter about the whatsit thing, though. Seriously, that’s probably never going away.)
I have officially been given the all-clear to tell stories about past Things he has said and done, but I have also been reproved for leaving out part of his plan.
ME: So you’re okay that I shared that story?
HIM: Yeah, but you didn’t tell them my other plan! I was gonna-
ME: I know, I was saving that bit.
HIM: Okay, so you remember, I will-
ME: Yes, I remember. Of course, now I might have to do it sooner rather than later, and include this conversation.
HIM: Because rich and homeless is still my plan!
ME: I know.
HIM: I’ve got it all figured out – it’s going to be GREAT!
ME: (sighs, gently bashes head against door frame)
I’ve already told you that, when he becomes rich and homeless, my husband has decided to spend the morning hours handing out free newspapers (do they even still have those boxes?) and the rest of his day standing on a street corner (in downtown Denver, according to the original plan*) with a repunctuated panhandler’s sign, giving away $50’s to anyone who offers him change.
His evening plan, though… that’s the ambitious part. The “funniest” part (according to Husband).
The almost-certainly illegal part.
His plan? To break into cars that don’t have alarm systems, and install alarms.
Yes, we pointed out that, even if you do a really really good and generous deed after, breaking into cars is still very much illegal.
I pointed out that Americans are a litigious people (it’s part of our charm) and that people who come down to their car in the morning and discover that it now shrieks at them for opening the door will be unhappy.
“I’ll leave instructions on the front seat, in a nice envelope, so they know how to disable the alarm!”
Right, sure, fine. But those people will turn off the alarm and call the police. They will get that envelope fingerprinted. They will want the smartass who did this prosecuted.
“The police won’t pursue that! I’m doing a service!”
Yes, right, of course. But even if the police laugh and smile and pat you on the back and tell the owners of these cars that you’re Denver’s very own sort-of superhero (minor league), the owners will sue. Because that’s how we do here in ‘Murica when we’re cranky about something.
His answer to all of these really good arguments?
“I’ll only do it to unlocked cars.”
*the original plan may, of course, be modified now that we’ve relocated to the frozen wastelands of the Great White North. But if he’s that rich? I’m moving back to where the air is thin and dry and the sun shines nearly every day. Cold and damp are not my friends.