My Backup Husband


Because I really want you to understand me better (so that you can fall in love with me and never ever leave me, because I require external validation like plants require whatever it is that I don’t give them) I sometimes succumb to the urge to share with you a random glimpse at our actual daily life.

This right here?  This is the sort of thing I just lived with, of which I thought nothing at all, until one good friend pointed out that other people don’t have a husband like this, so they don’t have Conversations™ and they’d probably read about them if I offered them up to the internet.

This is also an example of the basic formula on which many of our conversations build; see if you can spot the pattern.


HIM:  There’s another Dreamy Husband, whose email is Dreamy_Husband*, and I sometimes get emails and LinkedIn requests for him.  He’s a musician in Toronto, apparently.
ME:  Oh?
HIM:  So if anything ever happens to me, you’ve got a back-up husband
ME:  Good to know.  I won’t even have to change my name.
HIM:  I emailed him once I figured it out, and told him that I was getting some of his mail and requests, and I respond to people to let them know that they’ve messaged Dreamy.Husband when they actually need Dreamy_Husband, but I’ve never heard from –
ME:  What kind of music?
HIM:  I…. don’t know.  You could look him up, I guess.
ME:  Do you think that he ever looked you up?
HIM:  Maybe.
ME:  And said, “wow, there’s a Dreamy Husband who’s an American engineer!”
HIM:  Maybe.
ME:  And maybe he said, to his wife or husband or boyfriend or girlfriend, “hey, honey, come look!  There’s an American engineer with my name.  So if anything ever happens to me….”
HIM:  (laughing) I really don’t think anyone else would have said that.
ME:  But he might have.  And then, someday, some skank, some Canadian skank –
HIM:  (laughing)
ME:  Some maple-infused hussy
HIM:  Maple-Infused Hussy would be an excellent name for a rock band


Dilbert cartoon ( Liz needs a spare boyfriend

I have joked about this


nb: What might seem, to the untrained eye, to be an escalation on my part is actually a carefully programmed redirect response.  He is Pavlov, and I’m just waiting for the bell.


*obvious stand-in for his real first and last name, obviously.

3 comments on “My Backup Husband

  1. Ah jaysis,I’ve no back up! Thank fuck for dat…one is enough in a lifetime!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. josypheen says:

    Maple-Infused Hussy *would* be a good band name.

    Liked by 1 person

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