Lying to Kids for Fun and Profit (okay, I lied about the profit)

We are traveling, because apparently I was out of material and we were out of ways to annoy and arouse each other.


This trip is a long one but we’re heading home soon, which is fine by me because I was promised a terrific city full of lovely parks and outdoor events like music festivals, but the view from our hotel room looks like this

view through a rainy window

so I’m officially accusing Lichen Craig of a bait-and-switch.

Thankfully, there are museums and great restaurants, and we will go check those out as soon as I’m finished getting ready which means fixing my makeup and that will take as long as it takes and reminding me of the time every few minutes doesn’t speed things up, I promise.

Beyonce "I ain't ready yet"


Joey Friends "I wanna goooooo!"








Ladies, back me up on this.


Where was I?  Oh, right, I thought I was out of material until we drove 600 hours to get to a city colder and windier and wetter than our home, but thankfully now I’ve got wind and rain and moments like this:


HIM:  The hotel is on Shake-a-baby Drive.
ME:  … I don’t think that’s right.
HIM:  Well that’s how it’s spelled!

the Lord is testing me reaction gif


Okay, I promise I’m done bitching about the weather.

Let’s move on to my one other complaint, shall we?


The Elevator.

elevator from hell

Actual photo. Really.


Seriously, I can’t catch a fucking break with the elevators.   Every single O-corp* elevator I’ve ever been in has been a death trap.

This hotel has two elevators – one which literally coughs and wheezes its way to your Final Destination, and one which never seems to answer my call button.  So we developed a system by which we would send Elevator 1 away (to every other floor, if need be) and wait for Elevator 2 to get bored and offer its services.

Because we’re grown-ups.

Dr Evil "responsible grown-up" air quotes


Naturally, today when I sent away #1, I turned around to see a kid watching me.  Watching me play with the damned elevator, exactly the way his mother probably told him not to.

bad influence tag

I should be required to wear this

ME:  That elevator is in terrible shape; it shakes and lurches all the way up.
KID:  okay.
ME:  So we use this one instead
KID:  Okay.
ME:  (whispering to Husband) I had to say something – he was standing there watching us play with the elevators!
HIM:  (to kid) I’m an engineer, and I work for the company that makes these elevators.
KID:  (eyes wide)
HIM:  Don’t use that one (points at #1)
KID:  (terrified) Okay.


The elevator we wanted finally arrived, and the kid greeted the family that stepped off, so clearly these were his people and we hurried into #2 before it could fuck off to wherever it hides (the doors close very quickly and then it can’t be summoned back.  Does it go to an alternate dimension or something?)  As the doors closed, we heard the kid’s voice again.

“Hey Mom, don’t ever take that other elevator.  It’s got the shakes!  That guy -“

House "oops" gif


We’re going to hell, but at least we’ll be together.

murder elevator with arm sticking out

As long as we don’t take the elevator



*Not the German brand, the other one.

One comment on “Lying to Kids for Fun and Profit (okay, I lied about the profit)

  1. weebluebirdie says:

    So with you on the make up and getting ready thing! Himself always exaggerates how long it takes me, which only winds me up and increases the tension. I often get the line “nobody cares what you look like”. Uhuh. You can imagine where that gets him….

    Liked by 1 person

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