He didn’t snore basically the whole time we were away.
Glad to see you share my outrage.
A couple of nights, toward the end of our stay, he made a bit of noise but as soon as I moved even a little, he cuddled up and went back to sleeping politely.
Then we came home. And the first damned night:
ME: Honey, you’re snoring. Stop.
ME: So if you could just not do that, that’d be great.
HIM: Was that all?
ME: Yeah, it was pretty much just the snoring thing.
HIM: Mm’kay. (rolls over)
ME: (closes eyes, hoping against hope to fall asleep before-)
Having proven – and I think we can all agree that this evidence will hold up in any court of law, right? – that he is capable of not snoring, we are left with only one cruel, painful conclusion: he does it on purpose.
Reader, I cannot think how to assure you that I’ve done nothing to deserve this, other than to implore you to remember that I can’t possibly deserve such treatment, since I am neither a Canadian-born teen pop idol nor even a genocidal dictator. I am kind to animals, I give to charity, I vote the way you do (no need to tell me about your political affiliations, I can sense that you and I are on the same page so let’s not cheapen that bond by letting others get too good a look at it,) I’m a hell of a cook, and I-
Wait, real quick, let’s talk about this thing:
Occasionally, I will go on a kick with a particular food item, playing with recipes and making batches and batches on my way to perfection. One week, I was doing this with sweet rolls and was pretty happy with my results; it was just down to the fine details, really.
ME: You know, I’ve got some cinnamon cream cheese in the fridge; I bet I could use that as a base and whip up a better icing than the sugary one.
ME: What do you think of that idea?
HIM: I think it sounds great for you guys
ME: Why just us?
HIM: Well, it’s good for people who can eat fish
ME: (thoroughly confused) Why only for people who eat fish?
HIM: Because SALMON?
ME: What? CINNAMON, you ‘tard!
HIM: Oh…. well, you do sometimes buy cream cheese with salmon in.
ME: WHY would I put salmon on a cinnamon roll?!?!?!
HIM: WHY WOULD YOU PUT SALMON IN CREAM CHEESE???*
Sorry, I’ve just been needing to get that one off my chest for a while. Clearly, we need to add “doesn’t actually listen” to my list of complaints, yeah? I mean, I think we can all agree that salmon and cinnamon only really “sound alike” if you’re blatantly not collecting all of the sounds from the air. That’s the sort of misunderstanding I’d expect from shitty 90’s-era speech-to-text software, not an actual human being who expects me to kiss him and let him use at least one of the pillows on our bed tonight.
Where were we? Right, the snoring. Aren’t we always more or less on that topic?
We have established, as you’ll recall if you scroll up a bit or cast back in your memory to a few minutes before I went all bonkers about the sweet rolls (which, really. I mean, really) that I do not deserve to be deliberately snored at, and yet this is what he does. Right?
But oh! He says this is not the case. He also claims he’s not been sleeping well lately (I say that’s because I keep poking at him and insisting that he roll over or just stop) and that he’s having trouble falling asleep (can’t tell by me, since he starts snoring the moment his head hits the pillow, but what do I know?) all of which led his doctor to recommend a sleep study. This means that we will pay for him to sleep away from me (meaning I won’t sleep, but that’s nothing new at this point) and hooked up to all sorts of machines – you all remember how much he loves being recorded at night, don’t you? – and they’re going to make sure he’s sleeping deeply enough and getting oxygen when I’m not smothering him with a pillow – which I have sworn I’m not actually doing, and everyone believes me, so whew – and sort it out so that I can finally get a decent night’s sleep. Only….
ME: He mentioned a CPAP machine.
ME: They’re pretty noisy.
(uncomfortable pause while we stare at each other. My eyes say, “I’ll sure miss sleeping with you when you have to move to the basement with that gasping monstrosity.” His sort of flit away, making vague noise about the guest room which is, of course, out of the question)
HIM: But I really don’t think I’ll need one. You said I don’t stop breathing.
HIM: (leaves the room)
ME: Not yet, anyway.
*Because it’s fucking delicious, that’s why.