Here we are again, and good morning! Everyone ready to dive back into the work week, full of ideas and bristling with competence?
Good lord, I hope not. I’d be ashamed of you, I really would.
I prefer to imagine you facing Monday morning just as I do: through eyes narrowed by suspicion and learned mistrust, sidling up to each task with perfect awareness of how horribly it can go wrong and absolute willingness to abdicate all of your adult responsibilities for the warm embrace of your bed.
In fact, you’ve probably guessed that I scheduled these posts ahead of time; as I’ve mentioned before, I greet each new day like a vampire with a paper route – complete with hissing and snarling – and generally will just read in bed until something really urgent forces me to get up (generally it’s the bladder).
You see? You know me so well already that I hesitate to mention this trifle, but it is on The List and… well… I suppose it’s important that you understand just how different we really are, you and I.
Now, you’ve probably looked over that list and said to yourself, “yeah, fine, I’ve not had these exact arguments, but the fundamental principle is the same.” I must correct this assumption, dear reader; you have, I’m sure, gotten into it once or twice with your significant other and been unable, once the dust had settled and doors repaired, to justify the precise escalation of events. That’s fine – normal even! – but unless you’ve ended a grocery trip by chucking a cooking pot at your husband (dented it forever, too) then you’re not really playing on the same field, are you?
Aaaand now you’re sitting back and thinking to yourself “I’ve been following the rants of a lunatic all along!” Please, don’t click away or unsubscribe just yet. Because this is about avocados.
ME: Did you get the avocados?
HIM: Yep (holds out bag)
ME: … what the shit is this?
ME: They’re bright green.
HIM: Yeah. I had to hunt for them, too.
ME: I needed avocados to make guacamole. Tonight.
HIM: Right. Did I not get enough? I thought three would be enough.
ME: These are bright green and rock hard.
HIM: They’re the best I could find! Most of the ones in the store were darker and kind of soft!
ME: (pained whimper)
HIM: They’d have been all mushy!
Here followed a free exchange of information and opinions, in which my “it’s common fucking sense!” was pitted against his “then why didn’t you go get them???”
It was, without exaggeration, one of the most epic fights of our entire marriage.
We were asked once, in a sharing sort of moment, what it is we fight about most. Now, everyone else fights about money but that’s not for us: we’ve got the money we’ve got, and the bills we’ve got, and we’re pretty much in that boat together no matter what, so arguing about money is sort of foreign to us. Other couples have told us that they argue about each other’s annoying habits, but we’re far too interested in laughing at those to ever build up any steam over them. No, we had to go all out over avocados.
Oh, and after all these years?
ME: And after all that, you still can’t pick out a good avocado!
HIM: I know what I’m looking for now, though. They need to be really dark, wrinkly, and soft.
HIM: And, if all else fails, I get an ugly avocado, and an uglier avocado, and…