The Blanket Thief Conspiracy


puppy wrapped up like blanket burrito

First off, let’s all agree that I am exactly this cute.


I‘m going to tell you a story that really isn’t a story; this is a long-standing, much beloved old argument, which is brought out on a regular basis so that we might run our fingers over the tatters and frayed edges, making repairs and adding to the length as we go. This, in other words, is a running bit: a point of some contention between Husband and myself that will likely never be resolved.


You see, in retaliation for the snoring thing, he’s framing me for blanket theft.


I sense your doubt all the way through the internet.  But it’s true!  And the proof is this: the blankets are always under me, never on me.  Clearly, the only explanation is that he stuffs them under me so he can wake me up to pick a fight.

skeptical Aragorn is skeptical

If that sounds ridiculous and juvenile to you then you are clearly not ready for marriage.


Naturally, this plan leaves him cold much of the night, because I’ve been conditioned to sleep through his snoring and so cannot be wakened by mere shivers and pleas.  So he took to keeping a second comforter on the chair beside the bed.  Once he’d stuffed our comforter under me, he would take the spare to cover himself.  And every morning I had to hear about how I stole the covers and he had to make do with the spare, and we argued because obviously if I was going to steal the covers I would, you know, cover myself with them.  Right?


Then, one cold winter’s night, he took it so much further…

HIM:  AAAAGH!  Enough!
ME:  (jolted awake) Wuh?  Snickfl?
HIM:  No, you can’t have this one (pulls on spare comforter, which is lovingly wrapped around me) too!
ME:  Where’s the….
HIM:  (gets up, turns on lights)
ME:  (looking around) You wrapped your blanket around me?
HIM:  No, you stole it.
ME:  pfft.  Where are the other ones, anyway?
HIM:  (pointing) Look!




And there, puddled on the floor beside me, was our actual comforter.  You see what happened, right?  Oh, he tries to claim that I stole his blanket, got too warm and tossed mine off only to wrap myself in his, but we know the truth.


He framed me.


Case dismissed, bring in the dancing lobsters




15 comments on “The Blanket Thief Conspiracy

  1. weebluebirdie says:

    Absolutely. They always do that, move the evidence around, get you when you’re half asleep and less than your usual sharp witted self. In the last 48 hours I’ve been held responsible for breaking the washing machine, breaking the u-bend under the sink and letting the pancakes go stale.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. My husband hasn’t tried to frame me (yet), but he does this horrible thing with the covers that makes me nuts.

    When he turns over in bed, HE TAKES THE COVERS WITH HIM.

    Which means the covers are pulled away from me.

    When I turn over in bed, I roll under the covers, leaving the covers where they are so that he still has covers.



    • WDS says:

      Dearest gold digger.

      Please run away with me to a life of poverty and obscurity.

      The current Mrs WDS III. Does not even acknowledge the concept of “rolling under the covers”

      Yourself on the other hand, has gathered all The Wisdom of the Ages into one succinct act of heaven, here on earth.


  3. So if I am on trial for murder, if you guys are on the jury, you will acquit, right? Taking the covers is clearly serious enough that I can claim self defense.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I can see were hubby may thing you a blanket thief but then we girls need to stick together so I side with you. Perhaps your blankets are possessed and migrate or levitate all by themselves! 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Night time struggles are a constant in my marriage too. The snoring, the blanket stealing and the horrible sauerkraut/sausage gas….I truly adore my husband during the day, but at night he turns into some kind of monster.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. susielindau says:

    I live with a snoring blanket thief too. He usually accuses me of theft but this morning the blanket was pulled waaaay over to his side of the bed. I should have taken pictures!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Losing the Plot says:

    A good argument is like a cheese that improves but smells worse with age. This is one for your Greatest Hits album.

    Mind you – I have my own theory, I reckon you were just trying to block the sound of his snoring. If THAT was solved, all other problems would mysteriously remedy themselves too!


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