I‘m going to tell you a story that really isn’t a story; this is a long-standing, much beloved old argument, which is brought out on a regular basis so that we might run our fingers over the tatters and frayed edges, making repairs and adding to the length as we go. This, in other words, is a running bit: a point of some contention between Husband and myself that will likely never be resolved.
You see, in retaliation for the snoring thing, he’s framing me for blanket theft.
I sense your doubt all the way through the internet. But it’s true! And the proof is this: the blankets are always under me, never on me. Clearly, the only explanation is that he stuffs them under me so he can wake me up to pick a fight.
Naturally, this plan leaves him cold much of the night, because I’ve been conditioned to sleep through his snoring and so cannot be wakened by mere shivers and pleas. So he took to keeping a second comforter on the chair beside the bed. Once he’d stuffed our comforter under me, he would take the spare to cover himself. And every morning I had to hear about how I stole the covers and he had to make do with the spare, and we argued because obviously if I was going to steal the covers I would, you know, cover myself with them. Right?
Then, one cold winter’s night, he took it so much further…
HIM: AAAAGH! Enough!
ME: (jolted awake) Wuh? Snickfl?
HIM: No, you can’t have this one (pulls on spare comforter, which is lovingly wrapped around me) too!
ME: Where’s the….
HIM: (gets up, turns on lights)
ME: (looking around) You wrapped your blanket around me?
HIM: No, you stole it.
ME: pfft. Where are the other ones, anyway?
HIM: (pointing) Look!
And there, puddled on the floor beside me, was our actual comforter. You see what happened, right? Oh, he tries to claim that I stole his blanket, got too warm and tossed mine off only to wrap myself in his, but we know the truth.
He framed me.