This post was a while coming to you, partly because I didn’t actually want to spoil anything, but also because it took me a few weeks to calm down after paying $16 to see a goddamned Spider Man movie in which Captain Whineybitchpants didn’t die.
No, I wasn’t dumb enough to go into the theater expecting him to die (not in this movie, anyway) but after he was so arrogant and stupid and annoying…. yeah, it would have been a nice consolation prize.
But enough about him, because I was actually fidgeting and fuming throughout this movie for reasons that have nothing to do with the star spangled Dudley Do-Wrong.
ME: (confused whisper) Cat Boy?
HIM: (whisper) Black Panther.
ME: (shocked whisper) Racist!
HIM: (whisper) No, the character. The African prince is Black Panther.
ME: (horrified whisper) Racister!
HIM: (whisper) Could be worse… Falcon used to be Black Falcon.
HIM: (apologetic whisper) It was the 70’s.
I’m torn on the Black Panther issue: on the one hand, I sort of need to be upset about the totally unoriginal name and the fact that even his house is shaped like a giant panther; on the other hand, I can’t ignore the opportunity to be upset about the fact that every time I hear the name “Black Panther” I think of this
Then there was this thing
DISEMBODIED VOICE: You’re cleared for landing. (underwater facility begins to surface, revealing a mechanism that opens to allow access to the landing pad)
ME: (arms crossed) Yeah, I call bullshit.*
No, I am not going to “just let this go.” Words mean something, and that particular combination of words means “You can land this exact fucking second because we’ve got our shit in order down here and are not dicking around.” It’s not like when Maverick requests a fly-by and we all know that they’re going to deny that request and he’s going to do it anyway and the only consequence will be some spilled coffee. This asshole was actively trying to crash a helicopter! Telling people they’re cleared for landing when the landing pad is still indoors and under water, what is wrong with you, Guy?
I’m sorry. You know what? I didn’t even set out to tell you about Civil War. Really.
Believe it or not, I came here today to tell give you a Jessica Jones update. Because Husband brought it up.
HIM: Are we ever going to finish Jessica Jones?
ME: It’s just…. she’s so stupid.
HIM: I know.
ME: And he’s so stupid.
HIM: … She kills him.
ME: (suddenly interested) Really??
HIM: Yeah, sorry for the spoiler.
ME: No, it’s fine. That was probably the only way to get me watching again, anyway.
HIM: Yeah, I figured.
ME: So…. does she get smarter, or does he just finally reach critical stupid?
HIM: We’ll have to watch and find out.
And now I’m not sure if he was just saying that to get me to watch, or if it’s true. I’m too lazy to google it.
That’s what I meant to say. Sorry about all that other stuff. It’s just…. Cap, you know?
* We went out to lunch after the movie, and I sat there with Husband and our friend Quirin discussing the film (both of them tried to convince me that the next movie doesn’t actually need to open with Cap’s ritual disembowelment) and neither of them caught the “You’re cleared for landing” gaffe, but both agreed that it was unacceptable and now it’s bugging them too, wondering how many movies do that.