Ooh, I’m going to hell for that title, aren’t I?
I’m ashamed of myself, if it makes any difference. Let’s just take a breath and move past it, can we do that?
I believe I have mentioned, somewhere around here, that I am not a morning person. I have compared myself to a vampire with a paper route, I think? I have expressed my views on people talking to me like it’s daytime while I’m still clinically asleep. So you all know perfectly well not to wake me unless there’s an actual emergency, yeah?
Here’s the thing: I have good reasons for being so picky about this issue. I already suffer from delayed sleep insomnia: basically, no matter how tired I am, I can count on a couple hours of staring at the ceiling before I fall asleep, minimum. That means that, even when Husband and I go to bed at the same time and wake up at the same time, I’ve gotten less sleep than he has, before you factor in all of the time I spent waking up to get him to stop snoring. Problem number two is this: after a certain point, once I’m awake, I can’t get back to sleep no matter what I try. So waking me up at 3am and then telling me to go back to sleep is just about the cruelest goddamned thing you can do and I’ll warn you now, I know how to improvise a flamethrower.
Now that we’re all on the same page, you’re definitely not surprised that I snapped when he woke me – again – to deal with a situation* and then went back to sleep, leaving me awake and bored and miserable in the company of his snores.
ME: … so, while I don’t blame you for this morning, I do have to insist that I sleep in tomorrow. I need you to promise that you won’t wake me like that for anything less than a fire. That has reached the second floor. Contained fire downstairs? Call the fire department, and tell them not to wake me either.
HIM: K. What if-
HIM: … What if there’s a fire on the first floor, and it’s contained, but there’s a chance that there’s some structural damage being done and the second floor is going to collapse and the bed (points) is going to end up downstairs (points) with you in the litter box?
ME: (ponders) … Fine. If chance of structural damage that will lead to a disrupting collapse is greater than 80%, you may wake me GENTLY.
HIM: Okay. As long as we’ve established a clear line. 80%
ME: GREATER than-
HIM: Greater than 80%
ME: Or, just don’t light any fires in the morning.
HIM: YOU AND ALL YOUR RULES! GAH!
*It was the damned dogs, if you must know.