I’ve Been Drinking

 

 

We take our drinkin’ seriously in this house

 drink responsibly

 

Let me explain: I come from a long line of dedicated alcoholics.  I have, in addition to the usual ferrets who run loose in my brain and generally run the show (they love the sparklies, yes they do), an addict living inside my head.  I fight against this fact constantly, because I know my family history and I have no interest in becoming anything like the people who embarrassed, disappointed, and hurt me at every turn for my entire life until I discovered therapy and the “call reject” button.

 

call reject saves lives

For real, it’s like magic.

 

Because of the above paragraph, we take our drinkin’ seriously in this house.  I monitor my intake somewhat obsessively, I must have several Perfectly Acceptable Reasons* for pouring even one glass, I don’t drive if I’ve had a drink at all that day, and we don’t waste our time and money on crap.

 

 

Okay, that last thing may be more about not being 22 anymore, but still.

 

 

ME:  I expect to be drinking these all summer long, k?
HIM:  K.  Those are actually pretty easy… We don’t have a “martini mixer,” though.
ME:  A shaker, you mean?
HIM:  Yeah.  Just no to the shaker.  It doesn’t do the job right.
ME:  (nodding)
HIM:  The stupid shaker “sets” are for tourist drinkers, people who want to look cool while saying “shaken, not stirred.”  Posers.
ME:  Tell us how you really feel!  Fortunately, you already know I prefer my martinis stirred.  So as not to abuse the alcohol.
HIM:  The bay breeze is a mixed drink, you wouldn’t ordinarily shake it to mix.  Poured over ice, vodka first, oughta do.  It wouldn’t hurt to mix in a pint glass and strain into serving glasses, since it’s so much juice.  But using a metal martini shaker warms it up, and lets more of the ice melt into the drink.  It basically waters it down and ruins the flavor.**
ME:  (nodding) The most horrible type of alcohol abuse.

 

 

So that happened and we ran right out and bought the fruit juice*** and everything and then didn’t get around to picking up the vodka for a while.  Because we don’t keep it in the house, because that is the nectar of my people and it takes up valuable ice cream space in the freezer.

 

 

There actually was a bottle in there already, but it’s the cookie dough flavored stuff.  Don’t you dare judge me, it’s fucking amazing in milkshakes.

 

boozy shake with sprinkles

And now I don’t resent giving up freezer space.

 

My point, if I may be allowed to get there past your rude looks and muttered commentary, is that we finally got around to buying the vodka and making the drink mentioned above and I want all of you to go and thank Unwed Housewife for my current excellent mood.  Because I love her, and everything about her.

 

 

And I love you.  Each and every one of you.

 

 

But mostly, I love vodka.

  Karen Walker I love to drink

 

 

 

* Perfectly Acceptable Reasons™ include such simple ones as “we’ve got a giant pizza here and the new Doctor Who, so let’s open that bottle of red because tomorrow I’ve got to clean the damned house” so it’s not a strict “special occasion” system.

 

** Oh, did I forget to mention that, among his many skills, Husband used to be a bartender?  Went to the school for it and everything.  Yeah.  I’m telling you, marry a Useful Man if you have the opportunity.swiss army man

 

*** Word of advice: your choice of juice really matters.  Especially the pineapple.  Don’t get precious unless you actually like the taste of that organic unsweetened stuff all on its own.  I do not, as it turns out, and Husband had to run and get “the stuff they used at the bar.”

 

 

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