So excited. The sleep study.
It’s finally time.
Y’all know I’ve been looking forward to this. Well, not the sleeping alone bit – I’m notoriously bad at that – but they’re finally going to…
Actually, I’ve forgotten what the sleep study is supposed to be for. Are we just proving to him that he’s doing it wrong?
Anyway, the really exciting bit came yesterday:
ME: (answers phone)
NURSE: Hello, Mrs. Husband. This is (nurse) from (office) calling about Dreamy’s sleep study tonight.
NURSE: Okay, yes. So just a few things to go over with you… make sure he brings all the paperwork we mailed-
ME: I’ll go shout at him about it now.
NURSE: … and he can bring his own pillow-
ME: Yeah, not gonna happen. I’ve got plans for all those pillows. You’ve got pillows there he can use, but tonight I’m making a big ol’ pillow pile and claiming it in the name of ME.
NURSE: … That’s fine too. Also make sure he brings something comfortable to sleep in-
ME: Naked okay?
NURSE: … We really prefer he at least wear shorts. Ahem.
ME: I’ll tell him. Anything else? What about his snoring strips?
NURSE: Nope, he won’t be allowed to wear them. We want to record his natural, un-augmented sleep.
NURSE: Mrs. Husband?
ME: You’re going to record the snoring?
NURSE: Does he snore?
NURSE: Then yes, we’ll get recordings and readings.
ME: You’ll finally have proof?
NURSE: (chuckles) Yes, and we’ll be able to show him.
ME: Marry me.
Yes, I’m quite serious about the pillow thing. Because I’ll allow that I’m a little rough on my pillows (it’s all the tossing and turning, I think) but he’s worse. And yet, somehow, he always ends up with the firmer, fluffier pillows.
It’s another of his conspiracies, I tell you. He’s obviously stealing and rearranging the pillows nightly so I get the worst of them.
Anyway, he whined a bit about not being allowed to take a nap during the day (wut? I don’t even… seriously?) but mostly I focused on the fact that I was going to have to sleep alone.
ME: It’s almost time for you to leave!
HIM: Just finishing the paperwork.
ME: But I’m going to miss you! Will you miss me?
HIM: You can make it up to me by going with me next week.
And off he went.
Full disclosure: when I say “alone” I don’t mean completely alone. I’ve got a goddamned zoo in the house, so I’m never alone.
When Husband came home in the morning, he was tired (from all the sleeping?) and came right to bed to join me, so I was able to get some real sleep.*
It didn’t take him long to recover his full abilities, though.
ME: How was your study?
HIM: Not sure… I slept through part of it.
HIM: You can’t set me up like that.
We won’t have the results for months yet, because something something bullshit reasons. So we’re still using the strips, and he still denies that there was any snoring.
I’m pretty sure they’re using the delay to play the recordings for their colleagues. Because no one who hasn’t heard it would ever believe them.
* He was also in a bit of pain, because he’d neglected to take any pills with him. Even though I told him to do so. “It’ll be fine,” he said. “Do it anyway,” I said. He didn’t, and he won’t remember this lesson because he’s never remembered any of the other times we’ve had basically that exact conversation. But the nurse turned me down, so I’m stuck with him.