Everyone talking about Pokémon Go, but my man is still on the Stellaris.
Now you know I can’t allow that. Because I’m an idiot.
ME: Where are we going? I thought we were getting dinner?
HIM: We are, but there’s a pokécenter right here.
HIM: YOU USED UP MY BALLS!
ME: Oh my god, I did not!
HIM: You did. And now I’m out. So until I’ve got a whole bunch more, you need to quit tossing my balls around.
HIM: … Wait, did you make me download this game just so we could have Conversations?
ME: No, but I’m not mad.
Okay, I sense that I’m about to lose you if I keep going in the usual way, so let me back up and try to tell this story in some semblance of chronological order. Please understand that that’s really hard for me (heheh, hard) and I probably can’t do it without wandering back and forth a bit.
Let’s see… Yes, the “beginning” sort of place would be the other night, when he came to bed at some ungodly hour and the snoring was so loud it woke me as effectively as gunfire.
Side note of interest: I did once live in a neighborhood so bad that I’m aware of exactly how I wake when there’s gunfire right outside my window. It does not sound at all like a car backfiring or fireworks, or anything else, in case you wondered.
So, having been awakened by the sound of thirty-seven screws in a garbage disposal, I shouted at him until he put the damned strip on his nose and eventually worked my way back to sleep. Then, the next morning,
ME: What time did you finally come to bed last night?
HIM: (sheepishly) I think it was around 2 this time.
ME: Yeah, we can’t be having that anymore. New rule: if you’re not done by midnight, you’re not sleeping in here. There are two other beds and plenty of couches in this house.
HIM: I almost came to bed at 11, and again at midnight!
ME: Then you almost did it right.
Yes, I implemented a Stellaris Curfew. I cannot bring the sexy to this dreary world, day after day, if I’m not getting a decent night’s sleep.
I even tried to help him, by asking him to do me a favor in ESO before I went to bed; this way, the logic goes, he’s playing another game and maybe more likely to come to bed at a decent hour, yeah?
HIM: So I had to restart, now that I understand how-
ME: (interrupting) Mm-hm. (sets book down firmly)
HIM: … But you’re…
ME: Reading. Yeah. (picks book back up)
HIM: So I’m going to go play, since you don’t want to hear about the awesome game you got me.
ME: How ‘bout you start thinking about how you’re going to implement your new Stellaris curfew?
HIM: I go to bed when the drones learn to sleep.
HIM: … How ‘bout I go train your horse?
ME: You still haven’t done that? I asked you for ONE THING last night!
HIM: But you were asking me to quit my game! I can’t run both at the same time!
ME: (dies a little inside)
But then, Pokémon Go came on the scene. And I said to myself, “Self, this is an Opportunity.”
So I pointed out to Husband that we walk the dogs anyway, and while they’re out there tracking bunnies and squirrels, we might as well be looking for a snorlax or a bulbasaur while we’re out there. He created an account and promptly found three of the little bastards in our bedroom – yes, as a matter of fact that might be when I used up a bunch of his balls trying fancy throwing techniques; jeez, enough with the third degree! – and was hooked.
No, neither of us have ever played a Pokémon game before now. But that’s fine, because none of them have been this cool, and I can say that with absolute certainty because I didn’t care at all about any of them ever until there was an option to take pictures of them in the real world.
All caught up now? Good. Because now you’re in the ideal position to predict what happened this morning.
ME: You broke your Stellaris curfew last night, and the snoring was awful as a result.
HIM: But… I wasn’t playing Stellaris!
ME: Nevertheless… wait, do I need to make it a Pokémon Go curfew too?
HIM: … and ESO.