We’ve reached a summer détente on the blanket issue: husband gets both comforters because I only want the sheet. It’s gotten too hot at night for anything else.
That doesn’t keep him from heaping the blankets on me throughout the night, so that I wake up sweating and have to toss them back over to his side. But he’s been unable to cry “blanket thief” because I react too quickly.
So what’s his new plan? Oh, he’s got one.
We find ourselves, once again, in a restaurant. If you’ve been reading recently, you know that this means ours was the only table at which you could find absolute silence.
ME: So. Here we are.
ME: … And you’re still not talking.
ME: Have you selected some safe topics for discussion?
ME: (preparing to stare him down all fucking night if I have to)
HIM: You took a nap today!
ME: … Ye-es.
HIM: How was it?
HIM: (smirking) You talk in your sleep.
ME: (waves dismissively) Everyone knows this.
HIM: Yeah, but…
ME: What did I say?
HIM: Well, I didn’t catch words, really…
ME: (thinking about how I usually enunciate and am, if anything, loud and bossy in my sleep) Really?
HIM: But at one point, you started barking like a puppy.
ME: (laughing) You’re making that up!
HIM: (laughing) No, I’m not!
ME: You are! You’re making it up to get back at me for telling the world* that you snore!
HIM: You barked like a puppy chasing a bigger dog and having fun. It was cute.
ME: You’re so full of shit.
HIM: You yipped.
Now, obviously I did not bark in my sleep. I do talk in my sleep, and it’s kind of legendary. No, seriously, people tell other people about their friend who has whole conversations while totally unconscious, and how weird it is that she not only has no memory of these things when she wakes up but will get really angry with you if you don’t do as you’re told. My stepmother still tells the story of the time, when I was eleven or so, that we shared a hotel room on a road trip and my father and I got into it and I was dead to the world but shouting at him about how he lost something? Apparently it made sense to my (also very asleep) dad, because he was yelling right back, and she insisted that I have my own room for the rest of that trip.
But barking? That doesn’t even make sense. That’s just a desperate attempt at distraction by a man who knows that the world is judging his sleep habits.
* You, basically. Well, you and all the people you told.