Barking Mad

We’ve reached a summer détente on the blanket issue: husband gets both comforters because I only want the sheet.  It’s gotten too hot at night for anything else.


legs in too hot, one leg out just right... but the Monster!

At least the monster never steals my pillow.


That doesn’t keep him from heaping the blankets on me throughout the night, so that I wake up sweating and have to toss them back over to his side.  But he’s been unable to cry “blanket thief” because I react too quickly.




So what’s his new plan?  Oh, he’s got one.



We find ourselves, once again, in a restaurant.  If you’ve been reading recently, you know that this means ours was the only table at which you could find absolute silence.



silent dinner date

Every time we go out, we look like a terrible first date.



ME:  So.  Here we are.
HIM:  Yup.
ME:  … And you’re still not talking.
HIM:  Sorry.
ME:  Have you selected some safe topics for discussion?
HIM:  …
ME:  (preparing to stare him down all fucking night if I have to)
HIM:  You took a nap today!
ME:  … Ye-es.
HIM:  How was it?
ME:  Fine…
HIM:  (smirking) You talk in your sleep.
ME:  (waves dismissively) Everyone knows this.
HIM:  Yeah, but…
ME:  What did I say?
HIM:  Well, I didn’t catch words, really…
ME:  (thinking about how I usually enunciate and am, if anything, loud and bossy in my sleep) Really?
HIM:  But at one point, you started barking like a puppy.
ME:  (laughing) You’re making that up!
HIM:  (laughing) No, I’m not!
ME:  You are!  You’re making it up to get back at me for telling the world* that you snore!
HIM:  You barked like a puppy chasing a bigger dog and having fun.  It was cute.
ME:  You’re so full of shit.
HIM:  You yipped.


huh? face

What a weird thing to lie about



Now, obviously I did not bark in my sleep.  I do talk in my sleep, and it’s kind of legendary.  No, seriously, people tell other people about their friend who has whole conversations while totally unconscious, and how weird it is that she not only has no memory of these things when she wakes up but will get really angry with you if you don’t do as you’re told.  My stepmother still tells the story of the time, when I was eleven or so, that we shared a hotel room on a road trip and my father and I got into it and I was dead to the world but shouting at him about how he lost something?  Apparently it made sense to my (also very asleep) dad, because he was yelling right back, and she insisted that I have my own room for the rest of that trip.



But barking?  That doesn’t even make sense.  That’s just a desperate attempt at distraction by a man who knows that the world is judging his sleep habits.


barking dog

My dogs don’t even bark, so why would I?




* You, basically.  Well, you and all the people you told.




12 comments on “Barking Mad

  1. weebluebirdie says:

    Next he’ll be telling you about the men who look at goats. He’s clearly affected by his time in the military and is seeking weird ways to induce paranoia and conspiracy.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. weebluebirdie says:

    But what if….you really did yip like a chihuahua???


  3. Ah, yes! That’s what we do too! We have a chance every so often to do lunch. Connor will be at daycare and I’ll have this wild idea for a kid free meal. We’ll get there sit and then… fiddle with the table ornaments or shakers and…. check our cellphones and…. yup. Riveting.

    I sleepwalk. I found out in college. Luckily I never left the room. I would wake up and have whole conversations with people, check my email, and all sorts of things. Next morning someone would bring it up and I’d be like, “what are you talking about?!” It’s better now!

    Stick to your guns, he’s barking mad!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. LOL! Loved the post especially the convo. I talk in my sleep and my husband says its an alien mother tongue 🙂 He thinks I am from another planet. Sigh!

    Liked by 1 person

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