First, I have to tell you that he bit the bullet (just before the deadline) and “upgraded” to Windows 10. So now there are two of us in the house who occasionally scream “God dammit Windows 10!” while praying that our progress was saved recently. (It rarely is.)
HIM: I’ve got the Windows 10 upgrade running today.
ME: I didn’t realize you were still running 7. And I didn’t realize they were doing a free upgrade for 7, I thought it was just 8.
HIM: Nope, it’s 7 and 8.
ME: But only 7 and 8?
HIM: Yeah, Windows 9 users are shit outta luck.
ME: That’s not –
I needed to tell you about that because he’s still not done with that joke.
Moving on to just now, I actually had the phone out and recording, because I wanted to capture for you a totally typical morning. I’ve discussed with Husband the feasibility of setting up some sort of voice-activated recorder in the car, since I miss so many of our Conversations that happen in that setting, but he expressed concern that “it might pick up things (I) don’t want to hear.”
In case you missed it, that was his way of implying that I’m crazy and say weird things that would embarrass me to hear later. Tch, right.
ME: Ready to get up?
HIM: Fine. (doesn’t move)
ME: Get up or I’ll bark at you.
ME: See, that’s obviously not true because the barking was a lie.
ME: This is the new blanket conspiracy, isn’t it?
HIM: The barking conspiracy?
ME: (gesturing) Because we’ve sorted the blanket thing and now you’re all like, “Oh, yeah, but she barks.”
HIM: Get a sleep study and they’ll get a video of it.
ME: That’s what this is about? You’re trying to distract us from the proof of your snoring?
HIM: I don’t snore. And windows 9 users are shit outta luck.
ME: (holds pillow over his face) Can I please have a duck pond?
HIM: You want to make the accidental home drowning look more believable?
ME: Mostly I just want to hold your head underwater until the bubbles stop.
HIM: You need to schedule the follow up to get the results.
ME: We’ve already got that.
HIM: No, you have to call.
ME: Then what’s that appointment they made way out?
HIM: In September? That’s in case you don’t call. But the analysis is ready now. Call that number on the sheet.
ME: What sheet?
HIM: The one they gave me.
ME: You didn’t hand me anything when you came home from that. You came in, complained that your back hurt because you didn’t have pills with you like I told you to do, and went back to bed.
HIM: It’s right here.
ME: Oh, of course. I should have looked under your pile of random shit.
HIM: That you put there!
ME: No, I didn’t.
HIM: Okay, but still!
ME: (reading) “What to expect after your sleep study.”
HIM: They had two going the night I was there, but I guess they do analysis during the day.
ME: So if they don’t do sleep studies during the day, why do they have that annoying sign in the hallway?
HIM: Well, they do nap studies, but they only do those for actual narcoleptics.
HIM: They do three different kinds, basically, and one of them is the follow up with the CPAP.
ME: Which you probably don’t need, or they’d have told us by now.
HIM: It’s unlikely, yes.
ME: So we can still sleep together, yay!
HIM: Because I don’t snore.
ME: I will—
HIM: (laughing) You’re gonna put that on my tombstone, aren’t you? “He’s not snoring now!”
ME: You should be so lucky. You don’t get a tombstone if they never find the body.
 Told you so.
 Of the sleep study.
 There are other things in that building, including my therapist. Whom I see often enough to be annoyed by a sign shouting at me to “Be Quiet! Sleep Study In Process!” Not in progress, in process. Is that even right?*
 Seriously, how nice would it be to get a medically-authorized, insurance-sponsored nap in the middle of the day? Or even just to work in a place where a nap room is a thing? I mean, I guess kindergarten teachers have that, but I suspect they’re discouraged from napping when the kids nap. You know, to avoid a Gulliver scenario.
*Grammarist says both are acceptable, but progress is more commonly used everywhere. Except by accountants, who apparently aren’t real people. Or something.