Remember how Husband is supposed to let me go to bed before he does, so that I can be fully asleep before he comes to bed?
He’s been so good about that lately.
Remember how we were using those nose strips to stop the snoring?
They mostly stopped working after a while. At least, I thought they did, until he tried going a night without one:
ME: (wakes to sound of cat yowling around the room)
HIM: (snoring loudly)
ME: (staggers out of bed to let cat out)
HIM: (snores on, rudely unaware)
ME: (pokes him awake) Honey, you left the baby cat in.
HIM: Mngkfgl… SNRKKKKK (resumes snoring)
ME: (pokes again) And you didn’t put your strip on, or lock the door, or anything.
HIM: THEY GET REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE, OKAY??
ME: (glaring) I am going to remind you of this in the morning, and if you don’t remember…
He didn’t remember. He never remembers.
So Husband has been much more careful about the strips and also about making sure he stays up until I’m asleep.
I’ve been bad.
HIM: What time is our curfew?
HIM: Yeah. It’s not just my curfew, you know.
ME: I meant to…
HIM: You know, if YOU have to be in bed before I can go to bed, you have to be reasonable about it. You can’t keep me up this late on a work night!
ME: I’m sorry. I didn’t do it on purpose!
HIM: Yeah, but you did it all the same.
ME: … Okay, but I didn’t do it on porpoise, either.
ME: Does that count for anything?
HIM: I was thinking of how to respond in porpoise, but I only speak dolphin.
ME: You do love me!
And then we kissed, and it was disgustingly cute. But I still had to go to bed.
ME: (finally tucked into bed, tries to engage him in conversation)
HIM: Go the fuck to sleep! Do I need to read that book to you?
ME: (wide-eyed) Ooh, would you?
ME: (closes eyes, begins deep breathing)
HIM: (via skype) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e1fzkPHqLI4
ME: (via skype) It’s not the same!
HIM: (shouting) IT’S BETTER! IT’S LEVAR BURTON! IT’S READING RAINBOW!!
ME: I want my husband to read it to me!
HIM: Then… Marry LeVar Burton!
ME: … Is that an option?
HIM: Yeah, sure.
ME: INTRODUCE ME!!!
Clearly, I’ve left room for improvement. But I swear, last night I went to bed at a reasonable hour and still I woke to the sound of someone trying to pull-start a blender full of vibrators. Or, as it turned out, the listless snore of a man who came to bed way too late. Naturally, I jumped on this opportunity to point out that I did exactly what I’m supposed to do and he still did it wrong.
That’s called marriage.
HIM: I was going to come to bed at one point, but then I heard you get up to use the bathroom, so I realized you were still awake.
ME: … I didn’t get up once I was in bed last night.
HIM: You did.
ME: N-noooo… I’d remember that. Went to bed, stared at the ceiling, fell asleep.
HIM: Except for when you got up.
ME: Bet it was the ghost again.