Unknown Search Terms


I really had no expectations at all when I started this blog, other than for some people to read the things my husband says.  For some of those people to enjoy it was a bonus – a stretch goal, to use the currently fashionable term.  Since I never expected “success,” I never thought I’d be one of those people who particularly cared about the stats and “insights” provided by WordPress. 



Clearly, I had not been paying attention to any of my previous experience dealing with the wriggling bag of crazy that is me. 


I have discovered that I need to know how people found this blog, what they did once they got here, what they liked and didn’t like… I need all the information.

 I gots to know!


I now understand the NSA.  Li’l bit. 


Given that I have what my husband terms “control issues,”* there is one aspect in particular that has caused more rants than I can outline here without losing your attention forever:


unknown search terms


Google’s nonsense is the bane of many a blogger’s existence, for sure.  But this?  This is cruel.  This is Google telling me, “Hey, we know exactly who went to your site and why.  And we’re not telling.  Nyah.”


Look, I don’t want anyone’s home address or anything – for one thing, my Christmas card list is stressful enough, I don’t need to start adding subscribers to the mix** – but if I don’t know what people searched for that led them to find me, especially the people that hung around for a while, how can I do more of that thing?  And isn’t that what Google wants everyone to be doing: creating more quality content that people want to see?


Unknown Search Terms, how I loathe thee. 


I’ve been coping with this frustration for some time now, since most of my results in that pane are “unknown search terms.”  I’ve gotten a few interesting exceptions, and had hoped to compile them all into one post someday, but that’s probably never going to happen because Unknown.  Search.  Terms.  Ugh.  Anyway, coping.  I’ve been doing that, while occasionally whining about it to other blogger friends, but then the other night, while we were in the PVP queue*** I popped over to check the day’s stats.

ME:  (scream of outrage)
HIM:  What?
ME:  Okay, you know my “search terms?”
HIM:  Yeah… I know.
ME:  Right.  99.99998% of the time, it’s all “unknown search terms” because Google is being a dick.  But lately, I get people googling “actual conversations with my husband” or “actual conversation with my husband” or similar.  Basically, they’ve found the site and forgotten to bookmark it.
HIM:  It happens.
ME:  Yeah.  Still pretty glad I got it changed to actualconversationswithmyhusband.com, though.  So much easier.  Heh.
HIM:  Yeah.
ME:  But then.  Today.  Are you ready for this shit?
HIM:  No.
ME:  …
HIM:  But tell me anyway.
ME:  Someone got to me when they googled “tired woman cranky”
HIM:  (mic suddenly cuts out)
ME:  …
HIM:  So I’m thinking that I should go get these delves, since that’s the best way to –
ME:  You’re not even going to touch that, are you?
HIM:  Not with a fifty foot pole.

ten foot pole

Not long enough.



Someone once got to me by googling “my husband is my naked waiter.”  I think about that person a lot.  Like, probably too much.  I have so many questions, obviously, but mostly admiration. 


So, if you ever come back, Random Internet Person: good for you.  Really.  That sounds weird but awesome, and I’d honestly like to know more about that situation.





* NOT a control freak.  He is very careful to never use that word.  He corrects me when I paraphrase him and attribute that word to him, because he “would never say that about me.”  We’ve discussed this at some length.


** Oh my god, should I be sending you Christmas cards?  Shit, I should plan something special for Christmas.  Someone remind me, okay?


*** Since you asked, we’ve found a lovely new guild which has (along with the rest of Aldmeri Dominion) been kicking serious ass, so I’m able to drink and play, woohoo!  I’ve even tried my hand at healing, though that takes considerably more of my attention and leaves me less time for wine.



That’s us, in yellow.


34 comments on “Unknown Search Terms

  1. Ugh. Yessssss. This is the funkiest one I got: “my bus driver said 2 me its a good job hes driving cuz he a be very naughty and he had a big smile what does he mean i’m 33 with no experience”. I mean seriously, THAT led to my blog??

    Also I get some “half a fuck” “half a bad” hits. “Name something you would rather do with your friend than with your husband”.

    I was extremely happy when people started searching for “half a 1000”! But then I realized that sometimes other bloggers steal your content, half-heartedly do the “right” thing by mentioning your blog, but not hyperlinking the name. Fuckers.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah, I had a bad day recently when I did some vanity searching and found out that people were stealing my shit FOR THEIR FACEBOOK. Seriously. Claiming that these were their actual conversations with their husbands.

      That’s when I finally put up a copyright notice, but mostly I just reminded myself that they’re the unfortunate lame ones who are so boring they have to steal my life in order to appear interesting.


    • lambsauce says:

      Sorry to butt in here, but, I want to follow your blog (but hate e-mail subscriptions). I see it’s a wordpress site – is there another way to follow? I want you to show up in my reader!


      • Not sure whose blog you want to follow, but I’ll answer for all. If you go into your WP Reader, up on the top left it says “Followed Sites” and then there is a button that says “Manage”. Hit that and you can add the URL for any site you want to follow. It always cracks me up when people say they don’t to subscribe. I’m like — it’s ONE email a week. Ha. I would never remember to go read and comment on blogs without subscribing. I gets the sadz when I can’t subscribe.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. tiredwife says:

    If it makes you feel better, I found you from Hacker.Ninja.Hooker.Spy because I saw one of your comments and then internet stalked your blog.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. JenS says:

    I saw one of your comments on The Bloggess and followed the link to your blog. 😀


  4. lambsauce says:

    I’m with you. I never get to see ANY results. EVER. And way back when, when I had another wordpress blog, Google wasn’t hiding their stuff and it was so much better/weirder. And, yanno, I love weird.


  5. Merrisa says:

    So, I’d like to apologize for being part of the repeatedly googling actual conversations with my husband problem. It isn’t because I’ve forgotten to bookmark, it’s because I’m at work and while I’m sure I.T. can follow my every move I feel like if I start bookmarking things then he’ll have actual solid evidence against me. Found you thru Hacker.Ninja.Hooker.Spy. Should probably apologize to her, I google her repeatedly too 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Unknown search terms are the WORST. I want to know what they are so bad.

    I have written two posts total that mention demons or demonic possession (in a humorous way, promise), and I get all kinds of odd demon-based searches. And it worries me how many people are googling “how to tell if you are soulless”.

    But my weirdest search term reads suspiciously like somebody plotting a murder. I hope it was just a writer doing weird research for a book, but their spelling and grammar makes me doubt that. And I have no idea why that search led to me.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Holly says:

    I had a bunch with my previous blog, which my current blog doesn’t have since it has come under the ‘unknown’ but recently I had “pale puffies only” and “word for coffee hater”. Previous blog had “Deadpool for president” a few times, wish I could get that trending again!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I miss all my weird-ass search terms like hell. With everything turning into “unknown” I’ve lost all my “Nutty’s all out of ideas but at least I can talk about these crazy search terms” material.

    I’ll never know if people are still finding my blog by searching for “pickled peckers” and that makes me sad.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. saf says:

    Well, I followed you back from the gold-digger’s blog, I believe.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Angela Sims says:

    I am seriously late to this answer party, but I am faithful to The Bloggess, and as I read your comment I immediately rushed to your blog. Now, four days later (and STILL catching up), I can say I’ve signed up for your posts and I have you on perma-reading until I’m all caught up. Sooooo, six months late to answer. But the power of you knowing compels me! You are awesomesauce. Squared. Fifth power. I’m sharing you with my guild. Wheep!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Welcome aboard! (I’ve recently renewed my campaign for the haunted cruise, only now I’m angling to just buy a boat and add our own ghosts – this seems like the most cost effective method, long-term).

      Thank you for reading and for sharing, and especially the commenting and answering. I love Bloggess readers: y’all get my brand of weird.


  11. Angela Sims says:

    Oh. Forgetful me. Can also answer any duck questions you have. Or you can live vicariously through my duck owner life.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Let’s. Talk. Ducks.

      Settle an argument for us: do they have to fly south in the winter, or can they come live inside and wear little diapers?


      • Angela Sims says:

        Wellll, Northern Duck breeds must fly South because no one has figured out how to make them little snow hats n gloves n skis. Southern Ducks stay put and quack, “screw snow, ya’ll.”

        Now that the argument is put to rest. Couple of things about Ducks.
        1. Poop. Lots of poop. More than offspring poop. All. The. Time. Nix that diaper thought straightaway.
        2. You can’t get just one Duck. You must have two or they will have their little hearts broken EVERY time you leave them.
        3. No vacations. Friends do not, nor wish to, Duck-sit two depressed Ducks.
        4. Poop.
        So. Now that you’ve had a small Duckucation, let Husband buy you a stuffed Duck. And I can privately send you pics of my awesome, snuggly, smart yet highly emotional Ducks. 😎

        Husband, you’re welcome.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Angela Sims says:

          P.S. Internet pics of Diapered Ducks are valid. But those people are completely dedicated Duck persons and I applaud them profusely.

          With that, you win.

          Everyone wins ALL THE THINGS!

          Still, stuffed animal Duck would suffice!

          Liked by 1 person

        • I’d always planned to have two: Rory and Amy Pond. Then I can call them by saying, “come along, Ponds” and it would be the best thing ever.

          Though now you’ve got me worried about the vacation issue… I’ll have to research hotels that allow ducks.


          • Angela Sims says:

            Oooooh, and you could build them a TARDIS Duckhouse. But on the other hand (or webbed feets, really), Husband is not making up that drainage thing. I ended up with 2 Pekin (Aflac), Ducks, a Swedish Blue, a Khaki Campbell (and their Offspring), for a total of 7 Ducks. And 3 chickens. I’m a sucker. Apparently. Ended up with a ginormous aviary in my backyard. With drainage (insert major engineering stuffs here). Plus poop. Fly control. Ant control. Any critters wanting to eat them control. Emptying Baby pools. However, unconditional love and snuggles. Training the Pekins. Good trade. I did have to give up Gemstone III for them, but totally worth it!

            Liked by 1 person

          • Angela Sims says:

            Have not a clue how my comment looks like a word scarf.


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