Scenes From A Shop

 

This will never be my food blog.

 

Because that would involve getting better at photography (okay) and cleaning my kitchen (not okay).

 

kitchen clutter

I could get better at photographing my messy kitchen, but I’d still be working around the wallpaper and carpet.

 

 

This will never be a blog about all the cyooooooot things I found on pinterest.  Not because I have too much respect for myself (although…. ) but because I have too much respect for all of you.  Also, you can just hop on over to pinterest and find your own shit that you won’t really make – you don’t need my help, not even a li’l bit.

 

But the other day, I came across a blog post titled “How To Torture An Oreo” and of course I clicked on it.  And now I’m going to tell you what came of it.

 

flogger & cuffs

Not involved.  I know, I was disappointed too.

 

Not about the cookies, because they were every bit as lackluster as promised.  In fact, mine weren’t even attractive: they looked like B-movie flying saucers and tasted like tooth decay.  But, you see, before I could make the damned things, I had to buy the cookie dough (Rhubarb Swank is absolutely correct – there is no point using my incredible cookie recipe if I’m just wrapping it around a goddamned Oreo) and since we were set to do the grocery shopping together anyway…  *

 

HIM:  We need Coke.
ME:  Okay, but after that we need… (thinking) 9-volt batteries.
HIM:  (nodding) Okay.  (heads off toward beverage section)
ME:  And… (checks list) Oreos.
HIM:  (stops, shakes head)
ME:  (defensively)  No, really.  Need them.  Legitimately.
HIM:  (stares)
ME:  Double Stuffed.
HIM:  (stares)
ME:  I have a plan!
HIM:  (horrified stare)
ME:  (moves on)
HIM:  What’s your plan?  Shock aversion therapy to get Brindle to stop loving Oreos???
ME:  What??  No!  I would never do that!  She loves Oreos!
HIM:  Okay.
ME:  Why would you think that?
HIM:  Why do you need batteries and Oreos??
ME:  Huh?
HIM:  You said –
ME:  No!  Not together!
HIM:  Okay.
ME:  The batteries are for a different thing entirely.
HIM:  Okay.
ME:  The Oreos are for my plan.
HIM:  Okay.
ME:  Which doesn’t involve batteries.
HIM:  Okay.
ME:  Or Brindle.
HIM:  Okay.
ME:  Do you feel better now?
HIM:  Yeah, now that you’re not planning to electrocute our dog

 

Ridiculous, right?  I swear, he’s always causing scenes.  Did I tell you about the thing in the fabric store?

 

Hang on, let me check.

 searching

 

No, I did not tell you about the thing in the fabric store.  Let me do so now:

 

We were, as I’ve alluded, in the fabric store.  I’ve got a lot of sewing to do just now, due to the impending haunt season.  I’d been tasked with making a new costume for one of the other ladies, and it’s a complicated order because of the lack of guidelines – if there are any costumers or seamstresses here, you feel my pain.  Anyway, one of the requirements is that she really wants it all in black, so I’m shopping for these heavy black fabrics, comparing several to try to find the matchy-est blacks – current and former goths, you feel my pain here.

 Quinn: this is how deep people dress

 

ME:  This one’s more of a greenish…
HIM:  (distracted, wishing he was literally anywhere else)
ME:  This one’s darker, but oof!  So expensive!
HIM:  … yeah…  (gauges distance to nearest exit)
ME:  These two are closer… See, this is the problem with blacks!
HIM:  (suddenly alert) Um…
ME:  Tch.  (tosses four bolts in cart)
HIM:  (loud hiss) You canNOT say “this is the problem with BLACKS” in public!

 

See?  You can’t take him anywhere.  Honestly, I ought to go ahead with the shock treatment plan – which really wasn’t ever my plan, but now I’m thinking about it – to work on some of his behaviors.  He ran out of his snore strips the other day and forgot to run out for new ones, but didn’t tell me that that was the situation.  Until he came to bed and started feeding damp wood through a warped saw blade.**

 

HIM:  (snoring)
ME:  Roll over.
HIM:  K.
ME:  …
HIM:  (doesn’t move, goes back to snoring)
ME:  (poke)  Roll.  Over.
HIM:  I just did!
ME:  No, you didn’t!
HIM:  Fine.  Better?
ME:  No, because you still haven’t –
HIM:  (snoring)

 

 

* Grocery shopping together is actually one of those things that should go on The List, but basically he hates going with me because I am disorganized and easily distracted, hates going alone because it’s boring without me and I always complain that he forgot something that I mentioned but didn’t put on the list, and refuses to send me alone because the bill comes out to double and somehow we still have no food but I manage to bring home a sombrero and a giant stuffed tiger.***

 

** Well that’s what it sounded like, anyway.

 

***  I am a fucking rock star at grocery shopping, y’all.

 

 

 

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6 comments on “Scenes From A Shop

  1. Apparently if you make the Oreo abominations in a muffin tin rather than on a sheet pan, they don’t turn into flying saucers. I didn’t give enough of a fuck to try again with the proper pan, though. Plus, I was pretty sure another round of “one Oreo wrapped, one in my mouth” would probably tip my pancreas over into full-blown diabetes. Proving Pinterest wrong just wasn’t worth another chronic health condition for me.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. tiredwife says:

    I was just about to say what Rhubarb did. My daughter makes those cookies and the first time they were “eh”, but the second time she put them in a cupcake tin and they were SO very much better.

    Like

  3. As an occasional cosplayer and full-time perfectionist, I’m just ever so slightly anal-retentive about fabric choice, so I get it, I really do.

    Speaking of which, if you’re not going to use your batteries for electrocution, can I? I need to exact revenge on whoever made one of my husband’s souvenir t-shirts. The fabric making up the torso of the shirt is is a nice soft, deep, neutral black, but they cheaped out on the sleeve fabric for some reason and the sleeves have faded to this bullshit watery blue-green black, and the disparity between the shades is slowly driving me up. the. wall.

    Like

  4. JenS says:

    I literally spit-laughed all over my tablet over the “problem with blacks” conversation.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. LOL! I never let The Viking come shopping with me because his math causes me severe stress. For instance, ‘Buy 3 and Get the 4th Free!’ W.T.F. do we need 4 giant jugs of bleach for?! OR ‘Buy 1 and Get one Free!’ We will never, ever, ever eat one jar of Vegemite let alone 2!

    I love your posts! :o)

    Like

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