Duck vs Gorilla*


Who loves to read about the random conversations that occupy some 37% of our average day?  Put your hands down, I’ll just assume it’s everyone.


Who has made the decision to dedicate a certain percentage of their mental resources to thinking about comically mismatched animal combats?  Okay, put your hands down… I should’ve known it would be all of you.


Using this totally accurate and scientific method of research, I have determined that literally everyone in the world wishes they’d had this exact conversation this morning.  But you didn’t, because you’re not me and you’re not married to my husband.


Suck it.



HIM:  You’re right, it’s duct tape.  The duck tape thing was a huge marketing campaign.
ME:  There is Duck Brand duct tape.  It’s got a ducky on.
HIM:  Ye-
ME:  But Gorilla tape is better anyway.
HIM:  Right, true.  I can’t think of any scenario in which a duck could beat a gorilla in a fight.
ME:  I can!
HIM:  Okay…
ME:  Are you ready?
HIM:  No.
ME:  Well get ready!
HIM:  Okay.
ME:  Are you ready?
HIM:  No!
ME:  Hurry up and get ready!
HIM:  Okay.
ME:  Okay.  Are you ready?
HIM:  I’m not sure anyone could ever be ready for this.
ME:  Well try.
HIM:  Okay.
ME:  Right.  Are.  You.  Ready?
HIM:  Yes.
ME:  Okay.  If they-
HIM:  Wait!  I’m not ready.
ME:  (primal scream)
HIM:  (laughing)
HIM:  You realize I’m just going to keep doing this.
ME:  You’d better get ready.
HIM:  Okay.
ME:  Are you ready?
HIM:  No.
ME:  Dammit!
HIM:  I’ll try.
ME:  Are you ready now?
HIM:  Yes.
ME:  Okay.  If the fight takes place 50 feet off the ground, duck wins.
HIM:  … Because he can fly?
ME:  That’s right.
HIM:  But gorilla can climb.
ME:  Okay, so we have it out in an open field.  No climbing!  Just release them each at 50 feet.  Duck wins.
HIM:  Why 50 feet?
ME:  What?
HIM:  I mean, it’s not even that far.  The gorilla would probably survive.
ME:  … Yeah, but it’d ruin his day, for sure.
HIM:  Better than living in a zoo.**
ME:  Um, no it isn’t.
HIM:  Yeah, kinda.
ME:  No way!
HIM:  Tell that to Harambe.
ME:  Too soon!



I could’ve offered to raise the floor of the match, sure… but I don’t actually know at what altitude a duck would be most comfortable fighting.  And I didn’t want to stress him, because then the gorilla might regain some of his advantage, right?


I think I made the right decision.


 gorilla vs duck



* Disclaimer: I do not advocate animal battles of any kind.   I don’t even let my cats beat up on each other.  Also, please don’t drop any of them, from any height; that’s not nice.  All of this was played for comedy, and if you didn’t find it funny then please never ever look at a Saturday post, m’kay?


** Note for zookeepers and other hard-working conservationists: he does not really believe this, obviously.  We have nothing but the greatest respect for the wonderful work that you’re doing – please keep it up.



9 comments on “Duck vs Gorilla*

  1. tiredwife says:

    Also, the duck would win if the battle took place in water, at least 12 feet deep. Because the Gorilla would have to keep focusing on swimming and keeping his head out of the water. The duck could dive bomb him

    Liked by 1 person

  2. OMG I lived 33 years of my life before I realized it was duct tape and not duck tape. The struggle is real. I only learned my mistake when I began working with a woman whose husband was a legit duct tape dealer…he even worked for that ducky company. I became super enlightened when she schooled me in all things duct tape.


  3. I don’t want the duck to win. Ducks are assholes. I lived next to a lake full of them once and there are things I can never unsee.



  4. ellenbest24 says:

    As usual I loved it. Not least of all because Five small people in this world call me Grandma Duck… be warned no human over Four foot eleven had better try or there would be a battle worth seeing. You were told this in the strictest of confidence so bear that in mind before you #ThrowBackThursday

    Liked by 1 person

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