You guys, the new best thing ever has happened. And it happened on my husband’s birthday.
And it was his fault, which makes it even better.
In fairness, it was also the new worst thing ever, because of course it was, but still!
I need to back up again, don’t I?
Okay, so, morning of Husband’s birthday dawned, and I woke him up singing Happy Birthday, because I am an awesome wife.
Then I told him that, for his birthday gift, I was going to totally forgive him for being a selfish asshole to me. I then outlined the cruel, dickish things he had done and said, which were so awful I won’t repeat them here – also, they involved some not-okay sexual behavior.
HIM: And this happened… in your dream?
ME: Yeah. But I forgive you.
HIM: … Thank you?
ME: You’re welcome! So, what do you want to do today?
HIM: (sighs) … Go to the fabric store?*
ME: Aww, perfect!
Am I the best wife or what?
So we got ready (after some proper morning “snuggles,” because I’m not a complete monster) and headed out to the fabric store.
HIM: I didn’t get my license renewed this week?
ME: … So it expires today. It’s still good today.
HIM: No, I think it’s expired today.
ME: Are they open today? I’ll look it up.
HIM: No, I’ll look it up. You finish finding your shit.
ME: Pfft. I’m ready to go! (goes off to find purse, etc.)
HIM: Okay, so it’s no good today. Expired. And they’re not open ‘til Monday.
ME: So I’ll drive.
HIM: (sighs) Fine.
ME: Because you don’t have a license!
OFFSPRING: Neither do I!
HIM: Oh, God.
ME: I’m the only REAL grown-up in this house! Hope you didn’t plan on buying beer today!
HIM: I can still buy – Come back here!
You can see how much fun I had with that, right?
You’d have done the same, I know it.
And it went on like that for the whole weekend, too.
ME: Where are the keys?
HIM: In my pocket.
ME: Well give them! You’re not even supposed to HAVE keys! You don’t have a license!
HIM: I can touch keys!!
ME: I’m pretty sure you can’t.
It was truly the best of times.
HIM: It’s gonna get busy through here, lots of cars entering.
ME: Yes, I see them.
HIM: But your exit will be on the right, so you’ll need to move over.
GPS: In about… five miles…
ME: … I think I’ll be fine.
Husband, I had forgotten, is the worst passenger. I don’t know if it’s only when I’m driving or what, but seriously, he acts like I need a damned guide dog.
GPS: Turn left.
HIM: This is your turn.
ME: Yeah, I heard her.
HIM: The light’s green.
ME: (wonders if it’s possible to crash only the right side of the car)
Maybe it’s an engineer thing. You know, like it goes along with that conviction that other people will just mess it up so you might as well do it yourself. Only, he was right there, and he could see that I was driving like a normal adult person who knows what the fuck she’s doing. And where she’s going!
HIM: It’s not this turn, or the next one. But soon.
ME: Yes, I know.
HIM: Okay. There’s someone behind you, but –
ME: Yes. I. Know.
HIM: Not this one.
ME: (decides it’s definitely possible, scopes out useful buildings)
Now, you may be asking why I didn’t snap at him, call him on this behavior, or beat him over the head with a shoe. I did, repeatedly, point out how annoying and unreasonable he was being. and it would work, for a while. But then…
HIM: You can pull up to the line.
ME: I’m doing that.
HIM: You’re clear to turn.
ME: You know, they don’t let blind people drive.
HIM: … Is that for when you gouge my eyes out?
ME: No, I’m reminding you that I can see.
Monday arrived, as it does nearly every week, and I took him to get his license.
HIM: Hi, I’m here to –
ME: I drove. Because he doesn’t have a license.
I’m so good to him. Really, he doesn’t deserve me.
* Here’s the thing, we needed to go to the fabric store because I had made a horrible mistake and needed to replace an entire cut of fairly expensive cloth. Because one of the costumes I’m making for the haunt this year is made out of genuine Poltercloth** and has caused me no end of setbacks, including a sewing machine that was “broken” only while it was in the same room with this garment and a light fixture that spontaneously exploded internally. So there have been a lot of these errands lately.
** Yeah, the whole thing is honest-to-God haunted. I’m sure of it. It’s probably going to murder the girl who wears it.