In the midst of all the Halloweening, I totally forgot to mention that we got the results of Husband’s sleep study!
Oh, it was a glorious day. And not only because I figured out how to make my phone do some cool new tricks: it now silences a call when I flip it screen-down, wakes up immediately when I pick it up from a table (no swipe to unlock!) and immediately goes to sleep if I set it screen-down on a table.
ME: Hey, check it out! (shows off advanced settings)
HIM: So… it’s like the refrigerator light. And you’re testing it.
ME: Yeah. I’ll have to see if it’s cool in my pocket, though. But I think it needs to be flat. Like, I’m shaking it right now and… Wake up, phone!
HIM: There’s a button for that.
ME: Yeah, but look! (balances phone on his knee, tests)
HIM: Do we need to bring toys when we have a doctor appointment?
ME: (excited) Yeah!
ME: But, in all seriousness, probably.
But enough about me, because this blog – whatever my husband might tell you – is not about me. You’re all here to find out what they said about him, right?
If I may quote from the polysomnography report (which I absolutely got a copy of, you know I did) “Sleep latency was 1.5 minutes.” It took him 90 goddamned seconds to fall asleep from the time he climbed into a strange bed with a bunch of wires hooked up and strangers watching him through a window. Ninety. Seconds.
“Patient had steady, severe snoring with a snore arousal index of 11.2” He snores so loud it wakes him frequently. Hmph.
The doctor told us that the snore was actually pretty impressive, in that it was so loud and so consistent… in fact, the only time he stopped snoring was when he stopped breathing. We discussed the positions that were the worst for his breathing/best for his snoring, and Husband glared at me the whole time.
Apparently, he thinks that every time I’ve told him to roll over until he stop snoring, I’m trying to kill him. Pfft, I’ve already said I’d do it with a pillow.
So, what now? Well, now there will be a stupid CPAP machine in the room with us. I agreed to give it a try, mostly because Husband says he won’t use it if it results in him being sent to another room: he’d rather go back to the nose strips and risk dying in his sleep than spend the night away from me.
I’m not sure if that’s incredibly sweet or incredibly stupid.
I guess that means it’s romantic, which calls for someone to be both of those things at the same time.
So far, we’re still getting used to the machine in our bedroom. I mean, we’ve had battery-operated devices in there for years, but nothing that plugs in and nothing that stays on all night, you know?
ME: So. That thing makes different noises throughout the night.
HIM: Okay… how bad is it?
ME: I’ll try to learn to live with it, but every time it made a new noise, it woke me up. It’ll take some getting used to.
HIM: Yeah… It’s a good thing I only needed the basic model.
ME: (already cringing)
HIM: If I’d needed more features, all those bells and whistles would really wake you up.
ME: (smacks him with kindle)