Gone in 90 Seconds

 

In the midst of all the Halloweening, I totally forgot to mention that we got the results of Husband’s sleep study!

 

Oh, it was a glorious day.  And not only because I figured out how to make my phone do some cool new tricks: it now silences a call when I flip it screen-down, wakes up immediately when I pick it up from a table (no swipe to unlock!) and immediately goes to sleep if I set it screen-down on a table.

 

dog chewing on iPhone

Now if only I could teach it to stay out of dogs’ mouths…

 

ME:  Hey, check it out!  (shows off advanced settings)
HIM:  So… it’s like the refrigerator light.  And you’re testing it.
ME:  Yeah.  I’ll have to see if it’s cool in my pocket, though.  But I think it needs to be flat.  Like, I’m shaking it right now and… Wake up, phone!
HIM:  There’s a button for that.
ME:  Yeah, but look! (balances phone on his knee, tests)
HIM:  Do we need to bring toys when we have a doctor appointment?
ME:  (excited) Yeah!
HIM:  (laughs)
ME:  But, in all seriousness, probably.

 

 

But enough about me, because this blog – whatever my husband might tell you – is not about me.  You’re all here to find out what they said about him, right?

 

If I may quote from the polysomnography report (which I absolutely got a copy of, you know I did) “Sleep latency was 1.5 minutes.”  It took him 90 goddamned seconds to fall asleep from the time he climbed into a strange bed with a bunch of wires hooked up and strangers watching him through a window.  Ninety.  Seconds.

 

 South Park "you bastard!"

 

That bastard.

 

“Patient had steady, severe snoring with a snore arousal index of 11.2”  He snores so loud it wakes him frequently.  Hmph.

 

The doctor told us that the snore was actually pretty impressive, in that it was so loud and so consistent… in fact, the only time he stopped snoring was when he stopped breathing.  We discussed the positions that were the worst for his breathing/best for his snoring, and Husband glared at me the whole time.

 Polyomnography report - snoring

 

Apparently, he thinks that every time I’ve told him to roll over until he stop snoring, I’m trying to kill him.  Pfft, I’ve already said I’d do it with a pillow.

 

So, what now?  Well, now there will be a stupid CPAP machine in the room with us.  I agreed to give it a try, mostly because Husband says he won’t use it if it results in him being sent to another room: he’d rather go back to the nose strips and risk dying in his sleep than spend the night away from me.

 Chandler come to bed

 

I’m not sure if that’s incredibly sweet or incredibly stupid.

 

I guess that means it’s romantic, which calls for someone to be both of those things at the same time.

 

So far, we’re still getting used to the machine in our bedroom.  I mean, we’ve had battery-operated devices in there for years, but nothing that plugs in and nothing that stays on all night, you know?

 

ME:  So.  That thing makes different noises throughout the night.
HIM:  Okay… how bad is it?
ME:  I’ll try to learn to live with it, but every time it made a new noise, it woke me up.  It’ll take some getting used to.
HIM:  Yeah… It’s a good thing I only needed the basic model.
ME:  (already cringing)
HIM:  If I’d needed more features, all those bells and whistles would really wake you up.
ME:  (smacks him with kindle)

 

 

 

 

 

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6 comments on “Gone in 90 Seconds

  1. JenS says:

    I have very bad allergies, which make me snore really loud sometimes. My husband sometimes uses ear plugs. lol. Maybe you should give that a try. But, yeah, the cpap machine is important and I assume it will take getting used too. Yay for breathing!

    Like

  2. Verhaft says:

    I can happily report (from my wife, so you know this is good shit I’m about to report) that you get adjusted to the CPAP fairly quickly. As long as your husband has a good seal on that thing (to his face), the CPAP won’t make a load of noises throughout the night.

    I have SEVERE sleep apnea – my report says I stop breathing like 104 times an hour. AN HOUR. Now, with my weight loss my sleep apnea is much better, I can tell, and so can my wife so – again – you know I’m telling the truth. 😉

    Either way, it took me about a week or 2 to fully adjust to using my CPAP and about that long, or a little less, for my wife to get used to the noise it made. Now she really likes the noise the machine makes because, and I quote (grab your barf bag), “I can sleep easier because I know you’re still alive.” Awwww….

    Like

  3. Quinn says:

    I think it’s both sweet AND infuriating. You guys sound like a good team!

    Liked by 1 person

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