Jumping right in this week, because I’ve got an embarrassing story to tell you (I know, right?) and I’d really like to just get it over with, but I need to fill you in on the earlier stuff, so you can be at least a little bit miffed at Husband with me.

 

Because if I’ll own up to what happened this weekend, he’s got to take some of the heat off me.  Marriage is a partnership, after all.

 
My friend Audrey has adorable short hair, the kind that naturally curls under and makes the cutest little boppy ponytail when she pulls it back.  It’s like a little puffy ball back there.  Naturally, when she does pull it back, I cannot help myself and am endlessly entertained, swatting at it and batting it around. 

 

 

Don’t judge yet – this is not the embarrassing thing.

 

HER:  Having fun back there?
ME:  Yup.
HER: (to Husband)  She really is basically a cat, isn’t she?
ME:  (undeterred, continues to bat at hair with wide, predatory eyes)
HIM:  Basically.  Didn’t you realize your hair was the perfect cat toy?
HER:  I did not.  We don’t have a cat.
HIM:  You do now!  (turns, walks off)
ME:  (never stops swinging at hair-ball)

 

 

No, you’re getting preemptively miffed.  I appreciate your loyalty, but hold off on judging him just yet.  He didn’t go far, and I’m sure he thought he was being funny, implying that he’d just abandoned me like a feral thing.

 

This incident does, however, inform the thing that happened this weekend.

 

First, we were in the car…

 

ME:  (struggling)
HIM:  You okay?
ME:  No!
HIM:  What’s… Oh.  You’re locked in again?
ME:  Shut.  Up.  (to seatbelt) I am not a child!
HIM:  (sighs)

 

 

Yes, I got trapped in the seatbelt.

 

 

No, it’s not the first time this has happened to me.

 

No, that’s still not the really embarrassing bit – though obviously it’s not my shining moment – nor was his patient, though somewhat patronizing, tone the horrible thing that he did.  Keep reading!

 

 

EVAN:  (offers me a drink)
ME:  Sure, I’m not driving!
HIM:  (looks at me)
ME:  What?  I got trapped in the seatbelt on the way over – you don’t want me to drive!
HIM:  (nods)  True.
AUDREY:  You got trapped in the seatbelt?  You really are a cat!
ME:  (indignant roar)  It could happen to anyone!
EVERYONE:  (laughs, as though this has never happened to them)
ME:  (sulks)
HIM:  Don’t look at me, she’s your cat!

 

 

Now, Husband will tell you that he was only joking, that he would never “put me up for adoption,” and that I’m way better than any of our actual cats. 

 

He is also quick to point out that I literally walk up to him and, apropos of nothing, say “pet me.”  And he does.

 

 

 

 

In my defense, who doesn’t like that?