It Shoots Christmas


We just got a letter stating that Husband has been approved for FMLA (we knew that) and that he just needs to make sure that he contacted his employer at least two days before (date several weeks before the letter was written, before they even started requesting these forms) to schedule a return to work.  Or else.  Still not a peep about actual disability payments, of course.


And shit like that is why I’m not keeping y’all posted on much of what’s going on around here.  It’s too depressing, and involves a lot of exceptionally foul language.


Let’s talk about Christmas instead, okay?


Christmas Gun


That’s my new favoritest goddamned thing in the whole wide world, and I’m ashamed of myself for not owning one before now.  It’s sold as a light tester and repair device, and there’s a whole lot of nonsense about how it works in the instruction booklet, but I found the real story in this amazon review:




Christmas gun review


Here’s how it usually works: every year, we take down our outside lights and carefully put them away in the basement.  We do this sometime in January(ish) so that they don’t start burning out on us.  Then, in November, we pull them out and discover that a year of storage in a nice, temperature controlled basement did what months in the elements could not, and nearly every strand is crap.  So we go out and buy all new lights, every year swearing that next year is the year we spring for LED’s (but not this year, because this year we have to replace everything again, and it’s going to be really expensive.  Again.)


burned out, tangled christmas lights

It’s beginning to look a lot like… fuck it, I need a drink.


Well, this year I finally convinced Husband to spend $20 on a tester before spending $100 on the portico lights alone.*  Because I – and I think we can now agree that this is a confirmed fact – am a freakin’ genius.


Husband and Offspring were skeptical at first that this flimsy plastic gun could fix shit, but I pointed out that even if all it did was point out which bulbs were bad it would be a timesaver.


Ten minutes later, Offspring came to me with the gun in one outstretched hand


OFFSPRING:  (wide-eyed)  What brand of demon resides in this thing, and what do they eat?
ME:  (trying to contain the smug)  It works?
HIM:  I… I plugged in the dead socket, clicked it a few times, and the entire strand lit up.  SORCERY!
ME:  Off you go, then.  Fix ‘em all.
HIM:  (holding gun between two fingers)  We’re keeping this locked in the basement at night.  I don’t want them stealing my soul!
ME:  (cheerfully)  Don’t worry – they eat batteries.



Husband is full of theories as to what the gun is doing, but Offspring and I don’t want to hear it.  Frankly, I’m pretty sure he’s making up all that nonsense about shunts and fuses and voltage and amps.  Pfft. 


Clearly, it is a Christmas gun.  You click it, and Christmas shoots out.


throwing glitter

Which is so much more efficient than my usual method.


I don’t know, maybe it’s an engineer thing, but Husband is having a really hard time with some basic Christmas concepts.  One last example, before I go shout at the insurance company about the linear nature of time and offer to buy them a calendar.  This one takes place around 10:00am, which is important because I had not had time to touch anything sparkly.


HIM:  (Blah blah blah)  … You’ve got glitter.
ME:  What?
HIM:  On your forehead.  And your cheeks….  And some on your mouth?
ME:  What?  How?  Oh… because it’s Christmas.
HIM:  (confused)  What, you just start to sweat glitter?
ME:  Do you doubt it?  This is our final proof!



* Of course I light the crap out of everything.  Are you new or something?




4 comments on “It Shoots Christmas

  1. Arionis says:

    Do you have to fill that thing with your own sacrificial blood to get it to work? I hear some guns that shoot Christmas are like that. Srsly though, that looks pretty cool. This year I gave up on stringing outside decorations and went with one of those laser projectors that bathe your house in green and red dancing dots. I’d like to say I am an adopter of cutting edge technology, but really I’m just lazy.


    • It seems to come pre-loaded with whatever sacrificial elements it needs, thankfully.

      I lobbied for one of those laser displays last year, but Husband put his foot down when he read about someone getting fined by the FAA for aiming it incorrectly. Given that our tree is already (innocently!) mistaken for a runway, he feels that such a device would just be begging them to shut us down.


      • Arionis says:

        One of the runways of our local airport is not too far away so I am also paranoid about that issue. For that reason I set the projector really close to the house. The downside to that is it will only light up my front porch area instead of the whole house like I wanted it to do. But better that, so I can get a visit from Old St. Nick and not Mr. FAA. I wonder who they would send to fine me anyway? Local cops, FBI, FEDEX, Walker Texas Ranger?


  2. The glitter plague is going strong in the Nut house too. ‘Tis the season to sparkle whether you like it or not.

    Liked by 1 person

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