You know how my tree is basically the most important event of holiday season?
You guys, my tree went up soooo late this year. And the Harbinger of Christmas Spirit has no excuse.
I mean, I’ve got nothing but excuses, but that’s kind of the point, isn’t it? Life got hectic, tree shopping didn’t go smoothly, flat tire, bad weather, the tree we finally picked wasn’t ready to go home right away…
Oh, you didn’t know that was a thing? Yeah, here’s how that goes:
ME: (wide-eyed) Ooh, they’ve got white pines!
HIM: Those are your favorite, right?
TREE GUY: Oh, you like the white pines?
ME: (not turning around) How much are they?
TG: Oh, ‘bout… eight thousand dollars
HIM: (smells ozone, ducks behind me)
ME: (turns Death Glare on TG) Do not think that I won’t take you out behind the greenhouse and end you.
TG: (laughing) Yeah, you’d smack me up for sure.
ME: No, I will end you.
TG: (stops laughing) thirty-five dollars.
ME: (finally spots sign listing white pines at $54) Perfect!
TG: We have more over here…
ME: Short ones
TG: Well, how tall are you looking for?
HIM: Six or-
ME: Eight feet, at least.
TG: Well, there’s this one
ME: It is nice, but…
ME: Was the one over there taller?
TG: That one’s still frozen. That’s why it’s up front.
TG: See, I wouldn’t even want to shake this out; you’d break the branches if you messed with it.
ME: Can you defrost it somewhere?
TG: Well, it’s not going to warm up at all this week…
TG: Not until Sunday.
ME: It’s supposed to snow on Sunday.
TG: Right. Nine inches. So…
ME: So where will you thaw it?
TG: (lost) You could thaw it in your garage?*
ME: Won’t it feel unloved?
TG: I can put it in my greenhouse?
ME: (beaming) Perfect!
So we bought a tree, but we didn’t get a tree. You see?
Then there was the whole thing with the topper. I have several, from various themes and color schemes over the years, but the one I wanted to use wasn’t working. So we wasted a whole day trying to fix it, and Husband wouldn’t let me put on even a single strand of lights (please remember that lighting my tree is not a quick ten minute process) until the topper was on. When it became apparent that even the Christmas gun couldn’t save this star, we had to run out to literally every store in town to find a new one – by the way, when did all the angels get so ugly? And who decided to put Santas on top of Christmas trees? If this is your tradition or preference, by the way, please explain in a comment. I’m not asking you to defend, I’m genuinely curious. I understand the star and the angel, but Santa? On the tree? It’s a weird pairing to me. I mean, he’s already cramming his fat ass down my chimney to put shit under my tree, why would he want to be confronted with a robed caricature of himself with a tree shoved up said ass?
Anyway, the shopping for a new star was complicated by the fact that stores refuse to keep accurate inventory records on their websites, but I did start my research there.
ME: Okay, so we need to get another one… from somewhere. Target has a bunch of stupid non-lighting gold stars this year, because they’re poopy-heads.
HIM: If only there was a way to find the star. Like something that would light the way to guide us…
HIM: Like… like maybe a baby
HIM: Maybe if we just leave a baby out on the ground…
ME: (turns away) You’d better go get ready… we’ve got some star shopping to do.
I rather like the one we picked, even if Husband does think it’s “too steampunk.”
And I think it looks perfect exactly where it is. We only had to trim the teensiest bit off the top of the tree to fit it.
HIM: I need to shorten that again, don’t I?
HIM: Well, I guess if you think it looks fine…
ME: If it’s braced against the ceiling, it can’t wobble.
HIM: (shrugs) As long as you have a justification.
ME: (confidently) I can justify anything.
HIM: Oh, I know. (turns to climb down ladder)
ME: (Eyebrow of Entrapment)**
HIM: (still turned away) I mean, you’re still married to me, so…
I somehow managed to injure my shoulder while lighting the tree, so I’ll need to go get that checked out… but fortunately, I had some help with that task.
We do have a lovely tree this year, and I’m happy with it. Even if it’s a brobdignagian pain in the ass to photograph and never looks as good on camera as it does in real life… that just means you’ll have to drive past and see it, right? I’d invite you in, but the dog just vomited up something that looks like demon blood so I’ve kind of got my hands full with yet another disaster.
* This is why you should never conversate (with me, at least) without a map. And possibly a guide. And some snacks, just in case.
** Looks just like any curious expression, but this is always a trap.