Oh, My Tree



You know how my tree is basically the most important event of holiday season?


You guys, my tree went up soooo late this year.  And the Harbinger of Christmas Spirit has no excuse.


book tree

Shout out to my friend who put up this kick-ass tree before I even took down my Halloween lights. Yeah. Did not have my shit together this year.



I mean, I’ve got nothing but excuses, but that’s kind of the point, isn’t it?  Life got hectic, tree shopping didn’t go smoothly, flat tire, bad weather, the tree we finally picked wasn’t ready to go home right away…


Oh, you didn’t know that was a thing?  Yeah, here’s how that goes:


ME:  (wide-eyed) Ooh, they’ve got white pines!
HIM:  Those are your favorite, right?
TREE GUY:  Oh, you like the white pines?
ME:  (not turning around)  How much are they?
TG:  Oh, ‘bout… eight thousand dollars
HIM:  (smells ozone, ducks behind me)
ME:  (turns Death Glare on TG)  Do not think that I won’t take you out behind the greenhouse and end you.
TG:  (laughing)  Yeah, you’d smack me up for sure.
ME:  No, I will end you.
TG:  (stops laughing)  thirty-five dollars.
ME:  (finally spots sign listing white pines at $54)  Perfect!
TG:  We have more over here…
ME:  Short ones
TG:  Well, how tall are you looking for?
HIM:  Six or-
ME:  Eight feet, at least.
HIM:  (sighs)
TG:  Well, there’s this one
ME:  It is nice, but…
TG:  ?
HIM:  ?
ME:  Was the one over there taller?
TG:  That one’s still frozen.  That’s why it’s up front.
ME:  (blinks)
TG:  See, I wouldn’t even want to shake this out; you’d break the branches if you messed with it.
ME:  Can you defrost it somewhere?
HIM:  Honey…
TG:  (stares)
ME:  (stares)
TG:  Well, it’s not going to warm up at all this week…
ME:  …
TG:  Not until Sunday.
ME:  It’s supposed to snow on Sunday.
TG:  Right.  Nine inches.  So…
ME:  So where will you thaw it?
TG:  (lost)  You could thaw it in your garage?*
ME:  Won’t it feel unloved?
HIM:  (sighs)
TG:  I can put it in my greenhouse?
ME:  (beaming)  Perfect!



So we bought a tree, but we didn’t get a tree.  You see?


Stephen Colbert "yeah... no" reaction


Then there was the whole thing with the topper.  I have several, from various themes and color schemes over the years, but the one I wanted to use wasn’t working.  So we wasted a whole day trying to fix it, and Husband wouldn’t let me put on even a single strand of lights (please remember that lighting my tree is not a quick ten minute process) until the topper was on.  When it became apparent that even the Christmas gun couldn’t save this star, we had to run out to literally every store in town to find a new one – by the way, when did all the angels get so ugly?  And who decided to put Santas on top of Christmas trees?  If this is your tradition or preference, by the way, please explain in a comment.  I’m not asking you to defend, I’m genuinely curious.  I understand the star and the angel, but Santa?  On the tree?  It’s a weird pairing to me.  I mean, he’s already cramming his fat ass down my chimney to put shit under my tree, why would he want to be confronted with a robed caricature of himself with a tree shoved up said ass?


Anyway, the shopping for a new star was complicated by the fact that stores refuse to keep accurate inventory records on their websites, but I did start my research there.



ME:  Okay, so we need to get another one… from somewhere.  Target has a bunch of stupid non-lighting gold stars this year, because they’re poopy-heads.
HIM:  If only there was a way to find the star.  Like something that would light the way to guide us…
ME:  (glaring)
HIM:  Like… like maybe a baby
ME:  Husband!
HIM:  (laughs)
ME:  (glares)
HIM:  Maybe if we just leave a baby out on the ground…
ME:  (turns away)  You’d better go get ready… we’ve got some star shopping to do.



I rather like the one we picked, even if Husband does think it’s “too steampunk.”


bronze and glass tree star



And I think it looks perfect exactly where it is.  We only had to trim the teensiest bit off the top of the tree to fit it.



HIM:  I need to shorten that again, don’t I?
ME:  Why?
HIM:  …
ME:  …
HIM:  Well, I guess if you think it looks fine…
ME:  If it’s braced against the ceiling, it can’t wobble.
HIM:  (shrugs)  As long as you have a justification.
ME:  (confidently)  I can justify anything.
HIM:  Oh, I know.  (turns to climb down ladder)
ME:  (Eyebrow of Entrapment)**
HIM:  (still turned away)  I mean, you’re still married to me, so…



I somehow managed to injure my shoulder while lighting the tree, so I’ll need to go get that checked out… but fortunately, I had some help with that task.


kitty and christmas lights



We do have a lovely tree this year, and I’m happy with it.  Even if it’s a brobdignagian pain in the ass to photograph and never looks as good on camera as it does in real life… that just means you’ll have to drive past and see it, right?  I’d invite you in, but the dog just vomited up something that looks like demon blood so I’ve kind of got my hands full with yet another disaster. 


Christmas tree

Did I mention it smells like cinnamon? I baked cinnamon ornaments. Because I’m insane.



light through red glass ornament

And glass ornaments – same reason.






* This is why you should never conversate (with me, at least) without a map.  And possibly a guide.  And some snacks, just in case.



** Looks just like any curious expression, but this is always a trap.




17 comments on “Oh, My Tree

  1. weebluebirdie says:

    Jeez and I thought I took my tree too seriously!! 😀 I get you with making the TG thaw out the tree. I was at a craft fair recently and made the vendor sell me the brooch she was wearing just by looking at it, then making disappointed ‘hmm’ sounds at the ones she was actually selling. We have a perfect tree topper – a Satanic Rudolph made by the Kid when he was about 10.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh, my tree is Serious Bidness. Growing up I always felt vaguely disappointed that our trees didn’t look like the ones in department stores and magazines. Then when my Aunt, in her self-appointed role as Fun Ruiner decreed that “Christmas is for kids” and decided that nobody (herself, my grandparents, my mother and her brother) would put up a tree the same year as my first truly independent Christmas… I snapped and went whole ham. Never looked back. Christmas is a big fucking deal around here, and my tree sits in the middle of it and beams approvingly over every loving moment of the season.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. 1. I don’t know why I’m not getting notifications from you. :o( 2. I love your tree and wish my tree could be as wonderful. Unfortunately I have a Viking and a Cat. The Cat ruins everything nice and The Viking is stuck in a ‘Danish Christmas Decorating 1972’ time-warp loop that denies me my beautiful angel tree topper for a rusty and bent tin star. It also means I can’t use my iridescent green tree skirt, and most of the ornaments I have been collecting for 20 years. Also, he doesn’t understand why trees need 1000 lights. Sigh. I have to cut out paper elves and litter them all over the house, use a stamped burlap tree skirt, the above-mentioned tree star, and eat rice pudding for dessert. I am currently bargaining for an ‘All About Me’ Christmas next year but I need to find our video camera before I get down to serious nitpicking. I’ll need indisputable evidence for the bargain to stick.

    PS: Merry Christmas!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • That’s so weird, and I don’t know why that would be O.o I may have to brave the unhelpfulness of the WordPress overlords to address the notification issue!

      Can’t you just pull a Helena Bonham Carter on the Viking, and let him have his own tree in his room (since I’m guessing he doesn’t get half the house all to himself) and you can do another in a perfectly reasonable fashion? Maybe once he sees the magicalness of your vision, he’ll warm to the idea. (Incidentally, my tree currently holds 1210 lights, including the star. Next year I’m going for more. Gotta see that shit from SPACE.)


      • 1210 Lights?! That’s AWESOME!! A Christmas tree can NOT have too many lights! It’s taken 9 and a half years but he’s finally buying me a gift now. :o) That’s glacial progress but he IS a Viking and they are famous for their tenacity. I like the idea of 2 trees though. I’ll put them side by side. My shimmery, glowing, fancy tree beside Charlie Brown’s tree. It should be fun. :o)

        BTW…..I don’t get notifications of your posts but I did get a notification of your reply. Weird, right?

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Your new star is lovely. As is your tree. Also you are very brave to use glass ornaments with a kitty around, or else kitty is remarkably trustworthy.

    My husband knows better than try and have anything to do with our Christmas tree. His job is to sit quietly in the corner resisting the urge to make fun of my obsessive need to place ornaments with near mathematical precision, and then to tell me how nice everything looks once I’m done. He’s very good at this job. I think I’ll keep him.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Three cats and two greyhounds. All know that the tree is not for fucking with. One year, we had a foster greyhound who PEED on the tree when it first came in (no decorations or lights yet) and I screamed and threw things and called my foster coordinator and threatened to have him excommunicated then shot into the sun. My dogs just stood there staring at him like they couldn’t believe anyone fucked up that bad. “Dude, never mess with that woman’s tree.”

      Liked by 1 person

  4. JenW says:

    Ooooh, that’s a terrific star! Back when Jim Henson died, thereafter until she retired and downgraded to an itty bitty tree my mother tied a stuffed Kermit the Frog to the top. Us kids festooned him with a golden tinsel halo.

    I put a light-up star on my sad plastic excuse of a christmas tree. My favorite ornaments are the “drunken reindeer” my friends helped me make out of wooden clothes pins.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. As a former Targeteer (I worked at HQ) I must take a little offense at being called a poopy head. Then again, sometimes, well, poopy head fits.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Lutheranliar says:

    I love your tree. Especially since I don’t have one. I do, however, have a kick-ass fir candle!

    Liked by 1 person

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