Hey, remember that thing where he has to work bullshit hours?
Hang on, kids, it gets even better!
HIM: Do you want to go to (City with famously worse winters than ours) this weekend?
ME: Are you kidding me?
HIM: No. Unfortunately.
ME: I… It… They…
HIM: I’m telling you, I had an eventful day!
Now, this isn’t entirely out of the blue. We knew this trip might be coming up soon, because Husband is the go-to guy for making sure that tests are run properly – he’s just got a magic touch when it comes to gently guiding vendors to doing what they fucking promised so he doesn’t have to hurt them… I swear, I don’t know how he does it without busting out the air horn. Because that’s totally how I would handle those situations.
ME: I really need you to do this the way you agreed, on the timetable you agreed to, for the price you agreed to, and – this bit’s really important – without changes to any of the above that you will later claim were totally acceptable because our “initial parameters were unreasonable.”
VENDOR: Okay, but we won’t be able to start until six months after your delivery date because –
VENDOR: I’m just trying to explain that the guy who used to do the grinding the way we said we’d do it retired,* so now we don’t do –
VENDOR: Please stop doing that!
ME: So we’re done here?
VENDOR: Yes, we’ll just need you to change –
I’d get so much shit done, but my reign would be brief.
Husband, on the other hand, has a way of massaging people until they not only come around to his point of view, but walk away from the discussion thinking it was their idea all along. This would infuriate me (I need credit for my ideas, all of them, even the terrible ones – validation is my life’s blood) but he’s just happy when shit gets done right.
Anyway, yes, we knew that the trip was coming. And I was even sort of looking forward to going with him, since we’ve got friends in that city, including one who recently moved there to… okay, I’ll admit now that I wasn’t 100% paying attention. She teaches people about plants, and she works for the university, but not directly? She’s at the arboretum- it’s really cool and she gets to do lots of interesting programs… but it’s plant stuff and as you may recall, I’ve got enough on my plate keeping poor Clara alive.
ME: I should’ve known this would happen.
HIM: (sighs) Why?
ME: Because I had a nightmare last night that we went on the trip and you found this really great hotel that I thought was wonderful –
ME: … and it was kind of a theme place, cute but weird, and one of the things was that you pick out your own linens –
ME: AT LEAST THEY HAD TOWELS.
ME: So anyway, I chose fur everything – faux fur, you know? – except the sheets because ew, and the sheets were tiger stripes because brindle and I was already missing Brindle Dog.
ME: But the comforter and pillows and everything were fur, except first I was going to do the pillows in the tiger print but this woman was pissed that I grabbed the last set of tiger print pillow cases, and I was like, “hey, calm down lady, there’s more in that cubby right there” and she was all, “NO! I don’t want those, I want these!” and that’s when I decided that I wanted fur instead anyway and she threw everything down and decided to just stay somewhere else and I couldn’t believe I’d just witnessed such a tantrum but whatever –
ME: And then we got up to the check-in desk and he gave us the total for the linens and I was surprised that they charged extra but whatever and you were asking me which card to use and I was like, “Whaaaa?” and you said, “Well, we can’t put this on the corporate card! I mean, come on… fur comforter?”
ME: So I said the usual one and sat there grumbling about it but whatever, and then he gave us the total for the room – which was $374 per night, at four nights, I remember that – and you nudged me and said, “Honey, same card?”
ME: And that’s when I lost it. Because you were seriously going to charge the hotel for your business trip to our account?
HIM: Well –
ME: And I asked, what the hell, and you said that you couldn’t possibly put this place on the corporate card because, I mean, even from the name – which was something cutesy and animal themed, I think? – they’d know that it was clearly something out of the ordinary. And besides (deep breath) YOU HADN’T EVEN BOOKED IT ON THE CORPORATE BOOKING SITE, BECAUSE IT WASN’T A PREFERRED HOTEL.
HIM: (shakes head)
HIM: I –
ME: And then I woke up. And you were in the shower, otherwise I’d have let you have it.
HIM: I’m… sorry?
ME: You should be. (flounces off)
* Actual situation that Husband has encountered. And they just decided to skip that step without telling anyone, insisted that nothing had changed, and couldn’t explain why parts were failing. Airhorn would’ve solved that shit, I can promise you that!