The fine art of entrapment may be verboten in the world of law enforcement, but I’m here to tell you that it’s a vital component if you expect your marriage to be at all humorous. Sure, some people strive for peaceful, happy, harmonious, mutually beneficial marriages… but I think they must not understand what they’re missing.
If you’re sensing one of those posts where I ramble a bit, and have to jump back and forth to properly tell the story, congratulations on the paying attention thing! But no, this time I’ve actually got my shit together, and there’s a point easily made. Come along, readers – trust me.
First, the good news: I did finally finish Dishonored 2.
Well, that’s a lie. I “finished” it. See, a dog spotted me at one point and I decided it wasn’t a big deal, only later I felt that it was a big deal because I wanted to ghost the whole thing, but I should be able to go back and redo that mission, right?
They did just add that feature, but you have to have at least one save file from the mission in order to replay it, and I didn’t. So…
New Game + to the rescue! Now I can play through, ghosting, getting all those achievements I missed the first time, and do some shit right. Yay!
Anyway, the point is that Dishonored 2 has now passed to Husband (who finished so much faster, thanks to his reckless playstyle that stresses me out) and then to Offspring, since they weren’t allowed to play until I had. I decided I actually did want the remastered Skyrim (after having decided that I didn’t, go figure) and discussed this with Husband, who was easily talked into it. Then I decided I wanted the guide as well, which he didn’t see the point in, since we have the guide to the original game.
ME: But it’s got the DLC stuff in.
HIM: Is that really an issue?
ME: I don’t understand the question.
HIM: You know all the DLC stuff. You’ve played these before.
ME: But I maybe haven’t done everything, and found every little tiny cool thing.
HIM: … I’ll put it in the cart, but let’s talk about it.
Some of you are already smirking, because you think you know how this went. You’re wrong and you’re amateurs. I haven’t given you the full setup yet, so calm down. I was playing the long game here, you know?
ME: So I went ahead and bought the game and the book, and it’ll be here Friday.
HIM: …Okay, cool. Fine.
ME: I’m justifying this because the game is your Valentine’s Day present –
HIM: Thank you!
ME: … And the book is mine.
HIM: Happy Valentine’s Day!
Okay, do you see what I did there? That was the setup. Now it was just a matter of waiting, and it honestly didn’t take him long to step right in it.
ME: You’ll have to run out for dinner; I’m freezing and starving.
HIM: My back really hurts. You’re okay with the fact that you’re sending me out in the cold to get you food while I’m in pain?
ME: Yup. I just stood out in goddamned 10 degrees working with that dog, then sat in K’s truck with no heat on for half an hour. So unless you actually took an arrow to the knee –
HIM: (bends knee slightly)
ME: And I want to see a fucking x-ray or the actual arrow sticking out –
ME: You can be the one to run for burgers or some shit.
HIM: Fine. (goes to coat closet) But that just proves that you don’t love me.
ME: I got you Skyrim for Valentine’s!
HIM: You got me a game you’re going to play for Valentine’s Day??
ME: YOU GOT ME THE GUIDE FOR A GAME I DON’T EVEN OWN FOR VALENTINE’S DAY???
HIM: (deflates, defeated)
ME: (to offspring) Winning.
OFFSPRING: Dad… you should know better.