Not to be trite, but yes, I’m going to post something about how adorable and lovey we are this week. Deal with it, ye cynics and haters of love and mushy stuff. I’ll get back to bitching about him next week, I promise.*
For those who have wondered what I did with all of my “I love you more” energy, never fear! I channeled it in new and increasingly weird ways. I present the following, in my grand tradition of wiping away the dust and soot to clear a window into our little world, so that you may peer in before gasping in horror, clutching your loved one and whispering, “I’m so glad we found each other instead of them!”
ME: Have I mentioned yet today that I love you?
HIM: You just did.
ME: No I didn’t.
HIM: You asked if you had, in a way that implied that you do.
ME: What if I was asking to say, “I haven’t accidentally given the impression that I love you, have I? Because I don’t.”
HIM: Fine. No, you haven’t.
HIM: And I love you too.
ME: (sometime later) I didn’t mean it that way, of course. Because I do love you.
HIM: I know.
Moving on, let’s discuss my best friend Alexis. You remember her, right? Well, a long time ago, her husband poured boiling water on her. Oh, sure, he swears it was an accident and she’s 97% sure it’s just that he’s an incompetent moron, but I’m 100% sure that he’s an incompetent attempted murderer who wanted to boil and eat her because the price of lobster had finally driven him mad. I still love him, though – he’s actually a really funny guy, deplorable dance moves aside. He doesn’t read this blog, though, so we’re safe to discuss his murderous tendencies.
Anyway, Husband heard this story and – at the time – agreed that it was a horrible thing Mr. Alexis did. Now? I’m not so sure they’re not in some secret wife murdering club…
ME: You turned out the lights right before I came downstairs? Are you trying to kill me?
HIM: I didn’t touch the lights on the stairs!
HIM: The only light I turned off was the one in my office. Did you need to go in my office?
HIM: And is that where you went down stairs?
HIM: And did you fall and die?
HIM: Well, then, I miss you.
And then we kissed. Yes, really. We’re actually quite revolting like that. Get right up, nose to nose, shouting at each other, then kiss.
I’m sorry you had to see that. I did warn you.
* Promise has no actual value, and should not be construed as a guarantee, voucher, or promise of any future behavior. But you knew that already, because you’re on the internet and haven’t yet lost your entire life savings to a Nigerian Prince.