Meet John


So a funny thing happened on Friday…


ME:  (on the phone with a friend)  … But the injections really did seem to help, and the shoulder pain is cleared up like BAM, so… shit.  I gotta go.  My husband is home, and he went to work less than two hours ago.  I swear, if they put him on another split shift, I’ll firebomb the whole place.
HIM:  (slamming the door)  So I got fired.
ME:  WHAT???


Stephen Colbert stunned



Yeah.  Let that soak in.  Because it actually gets crazier.



ME:  What possible reason –
HIM:  Apparently I’ve been a no-call/no-show since last Tuesday.
ME:  Nooooo, you were on those godawful night shifts, overseeing the test that kept breaking because Scott’s a dick who can’t remember that you need more than one clamp to attach moving airplane parts to a test stand.
HIM:  Yeah.  Only Gobshite* told HR that he hadn’t seen or heard from me since that morning.
ME:  But… He’s the one that told you that you had to take the midnight to eight AM!
HIM:  Yep.
ME:  And you stayed late Thursday morning to talk to him, personally, to remind him about your injections on Friday.
HIM:  Yep.
ME:  And you’ve been emailing him all this week.
HIM:  Yep.
ME:  So what the fuck?
HIM:  No idea, but I’ve got to go try to file for unemployment.  Can you handle insurance?



Yes, of course I could.  Handling shit is sort of my thing, believe it or not.  But I did it through a haze of rage.  And then, while looking up our bank information to answer some questions…



ME:  They haven’t paid you.
HIM:  No, they won’t for a few days, I think.
ME:  No, you misunderstand.  They haven’t paid you THIS YEAR.
HIM:  What?
ME:  I don’t know how I missed it, but they haven’t paid you since you’ve been back from your FMLA leave.
HIM:  How…
ME:  I’m sorry.  I don’t know how I missed that.
HIM:  (remembering that previous leave put a hefty dent in savings) How are we not broke?
ME:  I’m real fuckin’ careful?
HIM:  ???
ME:  … Just not careful enough to notice that they’ve not been depositing paychecks, apparently.



Okay, I’ve thrown a lot at you, but it’s kind of how it was thrown at me.  Let’s recap: Husband went back to work in January, but wasn’t paid for any of it, mysteriously.  Accommodations that had previously been made for his disability went away, and new ones that were ordered were ignored.  Frankly, he was on his way in to make a complaint to HR about the whole thing, but when he walked up to his building that day, discovered that his badge wasn’t working at his preferred door.  He walked around to a nearby lobby, and was met by HR Twat, who pulled him into a meeting and informed him that he was being let go and there would be a letter waiting in his mailbox when he got home.**  When he tried to explain that he was, in fact, working on the days in question, he was shut down and his laptop (containing the emails that would prove his story) taken from him.


There are many more layers to this particular clusterfuck, but mostly they involve things we’ve discussed with our savior.


Buddy Christ

Not this one.



Once my rage dissipated enough that I was able to see the absolute quicksand of fuck about to swallow us, I got mad all over again.  But this was the useful kind of angry, the kind that makes people go out and hire a goddamned vampire hit man.  Since those are tough to find – I don’t know what Jenny Lawson is doing right, but so far I’ve only been introduced to peaceful love gurus and “money managers” – I settled for JTL.


Justin Timberlake

Not this one.  Y’all are bad at guessing.



John The Lawyer.  Like John the Baptist, only basically the complete opposite.  Anyway, he’s the first person we’ve told this whole story to who didn’t spend the whole time saying “they can’t do that!” because, well, obviously they could… they just really shouldn’t.  Because all of it was 100% illegal.


Anyway, I’m sorry I don’t have a funny for you.  I did say funny up top, didn’t I?  Shit.  Hang on…




baby goats wearing pajamas playing in barn

Baby goats in pajamas!  Look at ’em go!  Awww… that’s what you came here to see, not all that stuff above.  Just ignore everything and stare at the baby goats pouncing around in their jammies.







* Not his legal name, but we won’t reveal that… if our demands are met.

** Apparently you can schedule post office deliveries, just mail something and have them hold it to be delivered at a certain time.  I did not know this and kind of wish I’d known about it in my dating days.





17 comments on “Meet John

  1. C Hndrsn says:

    Fuck. Them. Up. But Good.

    Good luck.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. S.R.E. says:

    OMG Strip them of so much money that your grandchildren have to finish spending it. Make sure he finds a new job. My hubby ran into something like this years ago. Lawyer got his job back and compensation. But they made everyday a living hell for him until he quit. Really dumb stupid stuff. Good luck.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. WTF. That’s unbelievable. I hope JTL is as good at lawyering as the other JTL is as good at dancing/ singing/ making me swoon.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. JenS says:

    Ah! Cliffhanger ending!
    Evil, bad company. grrr.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Victor K says:

    Ho-lee shit. That is just insane! I’ve worked bad jobs, but never “contrived a reason to fire me” bad. Hopefully it all works out for you, somehow. Like another job comes along that is better, and pays more, and involves playing video games during the day somehow …

    Wait, sorry, if that job comes along I’m taking it. But I’ll think fondly of you while I’m there!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’ll fight you for that job! I may not look tough, but I’m a biter 😉

      Seriously, it’s sort of a company-wide joke that the only time they fire people is when they’ve been with the company so long it’s cheaper to offer them an extravagant retirement package than to keep them on, so we just didn’t see this coming. I’m still a bit in shock.


  6. Arionis says:

    I’m a big proponent of viewing Goat GIFs for what ails you, but I don’t think even that would save me in this situation. I hope you both eventually come out on the right side of this cluster fuck.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah, the goats are more by way of apology; I know y’all come here expecting a chuckle or even a proper laugh, and here I hit you with a massive loogie of suck. But hey, a lot of what we’re talking about right now is going to center around this, so it was either tell you or finally start posting about politics (which I can’t handle).

      Liked by 1 person

  7. So I liked your post but I really DON’T like your post. May your Lawyer be part Pitbull and part Jack Russell. I’m not a hitman/woman but I’m in a really bad mood today so I’d be more than happy to unleash some verbal hell on them. Just give me a phone number. If you didn’t live so far away I might be persuaded to actually inflict my person on them as well. I’ll have to settle for inflicting my person on The Viking instead I suppose but he’s the one responsible for my vile mood in the first place. Oh! And buy some of these:

    If anyone deserves VooDoo….they do!

    Liked by 1 person

    • If you didn’t live so far away, we’d already have teamed up on way too many evil projects and our menfolk would have relocated anyway just to separate us!

      I’m not saying I’m going to give HR Twat a brain aneurysm, but the voodoo kit is in my amazon cart, awaiting some… developments.


      • LOL! True. I have a feeling that together we would be a menace to society and to our husbands in particular. I have a stock pile of VooDoo kits, ready for deployment at a moment’s notice.

        I’m sending good thoughts your way and really bad thoughts to HR Twat. Good luck to you. :o(

        Liked by 1 person

  8. My eyes got wider and wider in disbelief as I read. I wish I had wise words for you but all I have is holy crap! and good luck.

    Liked by 1 person

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