The GPS Strategem


Some marriages rot from within – I’ve seen it happen, due to lack of communication or fundamental conflict of values, deep underlying resentments – some are sabotaged by “friends” or family members who honestly believe they’re working in the best interests of one or both parties.


I have come to the conclusion that there is a GPS conspiracy, hard at work against my marriage.



Now, obviously part of the problem is that I hate Husband’s phone and he hates mine.  This, however, is a common issue for couples to face and it’s easily sorted by deciding that the person who is driving (or, alternately, the person who is navigating) gets to use the device of their preference.  Period.  Always.  And we’ve done that, so that part’s fine. 


There’s also the fact, as we’ve established, that Husband is the actual worst passenger since Henry Ford first decided to put a second seat in his horseless carriage.*  


single seat car

I’m surprisingly okay with this variant.


But I know all about that, and can work with it by simply letting him drive, or reminding him every few feet not to be a ginormous asshole. 


However, the GPS is decidedly not helping.



GPS:  You should reach your destination by 1:29
HIM:  We’ll be there in six minutes.
ME:  I…  (growl)
HIM:  I have one job to do.  It’s a stupid job, but I’m going to do it.
ME:  (side glare)
HIM:  Like on Galaxy Quest!
GPS:  In about 900 feet, your destination is on the right.
HIM:  It’s right up here.
ME:  Put.  It.  Away.


Galaxy Quest clip


I could be wrong… It might simply be trying to get us killed.  I mean, there was this thing, from a few days ago.  Husband was driving, and we were utterly lost because GPS was fucking with us. 



GPS:  Get ready to turn right on County Road A
ME:  Ooh, look! Ducks!
HIM:  (distracted) yep
ME:  I want one
GPS:  Turn left on County Road A
ME:  Wouldn’t he make a good pet? The freckled one?
HIM:  Yeah! You should grab him
ME:  (surprised)
HIM:  (grinning)
ME:  You know, one of these times, you’re going to say that and I’m going to go grab it.
GPS:  (bingbong noise) Turn!
ME:  And then you’re going to be all “Fuck! I have a duck now!” And I’ll name him Rory. And then I’ll get a girl duck to keep him company, and name her Amy.
HIM:  Right, because the Ponds.
ME:  Exactly
GPS:  (apropos of nothing) You have arrived.
ME:  (glares at vicious GPS)
HIM:  (confused, looks around at trees and dirt road and all)


mayhem gps

It’s basically an ATMOS at this point…






* Somebody go dig him up right now and give him hell for not thinking to include a ball gag with the passenger seat.





11 comments on “The GPS Strategem

  1. Arionis says:

    This is hilarious, doubly so since I watched a good portion of Galaxy Quest last night while channel surfing.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Victor K says:

    I had neighbours with pet ducks when I was growing up – three of them, who basically lived in a plastic kiddie pool until it froze over. They’d fly around every now and then, but must have had a good thing going in the food department because they came back to that pool every day. So cute when they would go for walks down the road!

    And every time I’m in a car with GPS I get a bit freaked out because of bloody ATMOS (although Tennant turning with the gas mask on and asking “Are you my mommy?” is one of the best bits of TV ever written.)

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Ritu says:

    Oh my!!! Spousal differences. Will never be smooth sailing!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. noellekelly says:

    Oh God, this made me laugh!! 🙂 🙂 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. This is so funny…and so us! Have you been secretly sitting in the back of our car???

    Liked by 1 person

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