That’s How You Get Pinkeye

 

Getting better, no thanks to the sudden snow dump.  And hey, I learned something new: coughing causes your heart to pump, so if you get your BP taken while you’re having a coughing fit, the machine declares you in danger of stroke because you’ll read a perilous 183/102.

 

high bp cracked heart

 

 

Fortunately, the worst coughing fits were already over by the time my neuro appointment rolled around – I don’t know if being stabbed in my brain cage would halt the cough reflex, but it’s not the sort of thing I want to practice, you know?

 

 

ME:  (coughs)
HIM:  (backs away)
ME:  Seriously?  You sleep with me.
HIM:  Yeah, but… I face away from you now that you’re coughing…
ME:  That’s it.  I’m gonna cough in your eyes tonight.
HIM:  B-
ME:  In.  Your.  Eyes.  While you sleep.  On purpose.
NURSE:  That’s how you get pinkeye.
ME:  Nah, you get that from poo.
DR:  I don’t think-
ME:  At least, that’s how I’ve been doing it.
HIM:  (horrified expression)
NURSE:  I’m pretty sure it’s not from poo…
ME:  So I’ve been smearing poo in people’s eyes for no reason???
DR:  (patting me on the shoulder)   No, I’m sure you can get it that way too.  Now hold still (stabs me in skull with giant fucking needle)

 

pinkeye from unwashed hands

 

 

Regarding the legal stuff: there has been some small, itsy, incremental movement on that front.  You’ll have to wait a moment while we sort through what we’ve just heard, and while I consider how I want to tell you, but rest assured: something finally happened.  Which is great news, especially and most notably for the gobshite former boss, when you think about it.

 

 

ME:  So… you know how I have that stack of envelopes on my desk?
HIM:  (distracted, playing Skyrim)  No.
ME:  The ones from all the Christmas cards we got from people who weren’t on our Christmas card list, so that I can add them for next year?
HIM:  Oh.  Yeah.
ME:  Right.  So… That dickweasel you used to work for sent us one.  Not sure if you remember.
HIM:  (sighs, puts down controller)  Honey…
ME:  And I’m not saying I’m going to do anything with that information
OFFSPRING:  (from upstairs)  Egg his house!
ME:  I mean, he’s certainly not getting a Christmas card from us now.
OFFSPRING:  (still upstairs)  Devilled egg his car!
ME:  But I do have his home address.  That’s all I’m saying.
HIM:  … You cannot drive to that man’s home and key the paint or slice the tires on his black Ford F-150.
ME:  (nods meekly)  Okay.
HIM:  (picks up controller)
ME:  (turns to leave, pauses) … Do you happen to know the plate number of the truck I’m absolutely not supposed to mess with?  Just in case it’s parked on the street instead of a driveway?
HIM:  Plausible deniability goes only so far, honey.

 

 

Gilmore Girls - deviled egged car

 

 

Aaaaaaand now I want deviled eggs.  Anyone have a really good recipe?  Mine is only so-so.  I will also accept particularly sticky/smelly recipes, for… reasons.

 

 

 

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15 comments on “That’s How You Get Pinkeye

  1. rgayer55 says:

    I had pink eye once, but can’t if I eye-rubbed someone to catch it. Loved the thought of someone devil egging your car. That is definitely a sign of deep hatred.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Arionis says:

    “ME: In. Your. Eyes. While you sleep. On purpose.”

    Don’t know why, but that immediately conjured up an image of John Cusack holding up a boom box over his head. Then he climbs in the window and coughs right in Ione Skye’s eyes!

    BTW, I could make a meal out of deviled eggs alone. Just no pickles in them, yuck!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. My Jimmy gets red arse a lot…it’s from sitting on it so much 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Haralee says:

    Too funny. On the scale of poo caused diseases, pink eye is not so awful, about a 5 with 10 being the worst, because the drops work well! I have a formula for cooking hard boiled eggs with out loosing all the whites; boil in covered pan 3 minutes. Let sit in pan 12 minutes. Rinse in cold water and crack shells under running cold water. I must remember to turn on timer otherwise one more pan goes down with the eggs!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Alton Brown tells us that the kettle is the perfect place to cook eggs in-shell; I can’t bring myself to do it. Not because I doubt it would work, but because I only put distilled water in my beautiful glass kettle – it’s got blue lights under the heating element and looks fancy AF.

      Like

  5. If my information* is correct, I think you can also contract pink eye via farting. In case you were looking for alternative routes.

    *By information, I mean the movie Knocked Up. Which is obviously a reliable source.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I will never look at someone with red eyes the same way again. Maybe they were just crying……or…..just put poo in their eyes. This is going to cause me problems because I just want to hug people’s tears away but if there is the slightest chance that poo might be involved I want no part of it. Do you think I might end up in hell because I’ve stopped hugging people or do you think St. Peter understands extenuating circumstances and sends you to hell instead? Not that I’m hoping/wishing you were sent to hell, I’m just examining all the angles to make sure I don’t end up there.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh, I’m sure I’ll go to heaven because I haven’t stopped hugging people. But I’m sure St. Peter will hear your reasons for withholding that basic comfort from the afflicted. And when you tell him about the poo, he’ll be all, “Gross! Oh, man, Gabriel had pinkeye just last month… now I’m wondering how he got it!” And you’ll be all, “Yeah, that seems sketchy to me. Can I just… you know… hang out here with you?”

      And then a whole host of angels will walk by with pinkeye and you’ll look at each other and know

      Like

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