Popping the Question

 

There are questions never asked here, and I want you all to know that I do appreciate your restraint, your apparent faith in me.   There is, however, one question that I get asked in real life that I feel is best addressed here (no, it has nothing to do with managing my staggering sex appeal – seems everyone just assumes I’m completely oblivious to my effect on others); strangely, the question is about this blog, even though, as I’ve alluded a mere eight commas ago (shut up, I do not run-on, it’s called a complex sentence, and the count is now eleven) it’s never asked by anyone who actually follows this blog.

 

Taylor Swift take a deep breath

I’m actually afraid if I pause for breath, other people will get a chance to talk.

 

 

Let me explain.  There are, apparently, three kinds of people in this world: my beloved subscribers, followers, etc. comprise the first and favored group, for surely you will be raptured ahead of all others, even if you get sent right back when  the apocalypse turns out to be only a really bad hail storm or something , because isn’t hail the actual worst?  Like, worse than snow or rain or any of it?  I mean, whose brilliant idea was it for there to be a weather pattern that not only destroys property, but makes it hurt to go outside, while being so temporary and non life-threatening that you can’t even whine about it like you can a tornado?  Yeah, fuck hail. 

 

mini car crushed by hail

And then it melts, so you’re basically being gaslit by Nature.

 

 

Ahem.

 

There are also, sadly, the people who have not yet discovered this blog.  Let us pity them and help bring them into the fold, by sharing links to posts and telling them about all the fun we have here.  Because, and I cannot stress this enough, on the blog version of my life, you get a chance to talk.  This so does not happen in real life conversations with me.

 

And then there are the people who know me in real life.  IRL.  Now, some of them (out of necessity, I assure you!) overlap a bit into the second category, and hopefully wouldn’t recognize events or themselves in any entries.  If they do… oh well, fuck ‘em.  I haven’t said anything that isn’t true, after all.  But the majority of my actual friends know, and have read a post or two at some point.  They read, maybe chuckled, and then wandered away, bemused that anyone who doesn’t know me in real life would be at all interested in my little ramblings.  They are the ones who ask The Question.

 

There’s some variation, but it always follows the same basic formula.

 

ME:  (not saying anything about the blog, because I’ve given up begging friends to Notice and Share)
FRIEND:  So, I read your blog…
ME:  Oh?  (expectant smile)*
FRIEND:  It’s cute/funny/I remember that
ME:  Thanks.
FRIEND:  So…
ME:  Yes?
FRIEND:  What does he think of it?

 

ladies gossiping

 

 

Now, there’s a wealth of tone loaded into that question, so let’s break it down.

 

“What does he think of it?”

 

First of all, regardless of the volume of the preceding conversation, we drop to nearly a whisper at this point.  Note the emphasis on he, almost as if we’re not sure if it’s okay to use his name?  My friends know his real name!  There’s also that weird “you can confide in me” head bob, where the person gives you wide eyes, side-eye, and a little “just between us” chin jut, all at the same time.  Some have gone for looking down, as though making eye contact with a woman who’s about to be divorced over a blog is a health hazard, but they’re all clearly braced for my answer to be some form of “Oh, he’s furious and I’m going to need to sleep on your couch until I find my own place; don’t worry, the dogs sleep on the couch with me and the cats will find their own little nooks.”

 

Here’s the thing: he knows about the blog, we talked about it back when I was first posting our little conversations on my personal facebook page goddamned forever ago.  All of this was about half his idea, half my friend’s idea.  I had to be dragged into it, if you can imagine.  Also, this is a thing that happens on a regular basis:

 

ME:  Did you read today’s?
HIM:  Yup.  First thing.
ME:  And?
HIM:  ‘s good.  (blahblah, appropriate feedback)
ME:  (smiles)

 

He’s also the one to wake me if a post goes live before I’m up and he notices a typo.  Which I appreciate more than I can say, because three people thinking I’m an idiot is way better than a hundred people knowing that I am. 

 

pie chart - what people think when they see a typo

 

 

Also-also?  He knows when he’s said or done something that’s going to end up on the internet.

 

 

HIM:  This is the kind of snow where, after it gets dark, you can turn on your high beams and it looks like you’ve just made the jump to hyperspace.
ME:  Ye-eeess… Yes it is.  (takes out phone)
HIM:  (laughs)  and now you’re making a note.
ME:  Yes.  Yes I am.

 

 

snow or hyperspace?

Never said he was wrong.

 

 

 

 

 

 

* Variation goes something like this:

FRIEND:  I read your blog.
ME:  (happy smile)  Oh?  Which post?
FRIEND:  … ?
ME:  (guessing)  You… read the whole blog?
FRIEND:  I read the thing about _________.  Is there more?
ME:  (seriously considers putting everything on one impossible-to-load front page again)

 

 

 

 

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19 comments on “Popping the Question

  1. Victor K says:

    All I did was see a comment on Bloggess, think it was really funny and insightful, follow that here and start reading – and it kind of seems clear that he would have to know, doesn’t it?

    Also, and this is sort of important, I know engineers and engineering types. There’s no way they have any right to complain about anyone saying anything about what they have said. I had to talk a friend out of building a large slide from his sixth floor apartment because “it would make moving out easier!”

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Were my parents to read a single word of my blog, they would disown me forever. Fortunately, they still think it’s the 1940s and therefore don’t spend much time surfing the web. Your page, however, should be read by everyone who knows how to read. But I say that mostly because I think it’s funnier than mine.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think “hiding from parents” is one of the few universal conditions of the internet. Fortunately, it’s easy enough in my case: my father doesn’t visit any site that isn’t wholly dedicated to porn (I am not joking) and my mother is so mired in her own version of events that she wouldn’t recognize my actual life if I stood in front of her and told her about it.

      Dad did send me a Facebook friend request once: I ignored it until our Christmas phone call and asked, “by the way, what the hell was that?” and he explained that he was done with Facebook already, so I could ignore it. Excellent. Good to know that my strategy of ignoring a problem until it goes away totally fucking works.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I’ve had similar experiences to yours: someone says something funny/ stupid, I take out my phone or my journal, “Oh no! Are you going to put that on your blog??” Um, duh.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Arionis says:

    Your husband is a good sport. My wife doesn’t even read my blog, even though she is sometimes featured in a post. I suspect it’s because she has to hear this shit from my mouth, so she really doesn’t want to read it too.

    I do not advertise my blog to my family as I come from a mostly religious background. You know what they say about preacher’s kids. They would probably disown me if Google were to lead them to me one day. It’s fortunate that they probably don’t know the internet name I go by and even if they did, I am safely tucked away on the third page of Google results that nobody ever gets to.

    A few of my co-workers have read my blog because one of my posts was about an idea we collectively came up with for a fitness tracker that gave you credit for sexy time activity. However, I doubt any of them read it on a regular basis. There is one post I wrote a while back about one of my co-workers wife who pretty much ruined a hiking trip we were on. Even though I changed the names, I’m holding off on posting it due to fear that they might read it and get offended. Actually, I am really holding off until I get the cooler I lent him back. Once I do, I might find it easier to press the publish button.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Isn’t it always amazing how IRL friends know very little about your blog, let alone read it? I’m sure you’ve explained at some point in your posts what the dealio is with your hubby, right? I feel like, if I were you, and I got that question 90 times a day, I’d just say, “Read my blog…😒”
    I’m SO over asking people I know IRL (I just learned what IRL means, so naturally I use it every chance I get) to support my blog. DONE.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It’s a weird thing, for sure. Some are basically unaware that the blog has grown from it’s original form, and will still say “oh, I’m not on facebook very much” so I just leave it at that. Others really do keep forgetting that most readers are not people I’ve met (and that anonymity is a deliberate choice) and I occasionally have to remove comments like, “why didn’t you mention that I was there?”

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Lol your friends don’t know what they are missing. I’m at the stage in mine where I wished no one I know IRL read mine 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you! Yeah, I figured out early on that I could either beg everyone to read or I could talk shit about them, but not both. I think I made the right choice 😛

      Plus, Secret Identity, and there’s that whole “three can keep a secret only if two of them are dead” thing. Frankly, I’m running out of places to bury the bodies.

      Like

  7. Debbie H says:

    Great read! Conversations with some people can be quite entertaining especially when they don’t even know they’re becoming subject matter. Love the spelling error chart 🙂

    Like

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