Spring Needs Some Viagra

 

Spring, in its own disappointing way, has sprung.

 

new growth through brittle winter leftovers

Possibly my garden.  Unless you’re judging me, in which case… my neighbor’s?

 

 

And by sprung, I mean it’s staggering drunkenly forward, occasionally lurching to the side, vomiting up weeds, dazzling flower beds, or more miserable rain.  Kind of a crap shoot, spring.

 

Can you tell it’s not my favorite?  I’m more of an autumn girl, when the colors are lush and exciting and the changes are crisp and bold.

 

Spring is the seasonal equivalent of an old man stepping out of the shower: sure, everything’s fresh and clean, but it’s also shriveled, bare, and nobody wants to see that shit.

 

naked old man, censored

I’m sorry you have to see this, but it’s by far not the worst thing that came up when I googled “naked old man.”  Google only shows me horrible things now.  I may have to burn my computer.

 

Our dogs – two greyhounds, you’ll recall, one of whom is convinced she’s a husky – are likewise unimpressed with the springing thus far.

 

 

HIM:  (looking out window)  They’re just standing there, looking miserable.  Should I let them in?
ME:  (shrugs)  Sure.  If they’re not going to play, and they’ve done their business…
HIM:  (lets dogs in)  Sorry it sucks out there today.
ME:  They probably want you to send them to the good outside.
DOGS:  (pounce excitedly)
HIM:  See, now they’re acting like they want –
ME:  You guys wanna go outside?
DOGS:  (flail wildly, smacking Husband with tails and paws)
HIM:  You just went!
ME:  Come on, let’s go outside!  (lets dogs back out)
HIM:  You’re letting them back in!
ME:  Watch this (points out window) no loss of enthusiasm.
HIM:  They’re playing!
ME:  Won’t last.  They’ll realize it still sucks.
HIM:  (sighs)
ME:  (from kitchen)  You should probably let them back in.  Oh, and their paws will be muddy now that they’ve played and run around.
HIM:  You can do it.
ME:  (waves hand vaguely)  There’s a towel by the door.
HIM:  You’re closer!
ME:  (reaches for granola bar)  No I’m not.
HIM:  You will be when you go hell!
ME:  (doubles over laughing)
HIM:  Dammit.  Go to hell…
ME:  (points, still laughing)  You ru-u-u-u-ined i-i-i-it!

 

greyhounds in yard

Shown: Unimpressed greyhounds.

 

The “you’re closer” thing, since you asked, is another of our running bits.  I don’t remember exactly when it started, but at some point I got brilliant at it.

 

 

ME:  Grab me a water?
HIM:  You’re fully capable of getting your own water.
ME:  Yeah, but you’re closer.
HIM:  No I’m not.
ME:  You will be once you move your ass and go get me a water.*

 

 

hairless kittens

Does this make up for the naked old man thing?

 

 

 

 

* That’s trademarked, by the way, but I’m not cranky about it.  Feel free to use it against someone you love.

 

 

Advertisements

10 comments on “Spring Needs Some Viagra

  1. Arionis says:

    Minus your trademarked “closer” bit, your conversation about the dogs could be an exact duplicate of one I have with my wife on a regular basis.

    P.S. No, it doesn’t make up for the naked old man. You’re going to have to do better than that. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  2. You are one brave soul to have googled, “naked old man”!! Is it bad that i

    Like

  3. Hmmm…I will take that as a sign that, yes, yes, it is bad that a small part of me wants to google “naked old man”…

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Jeffy says:

    Those are Devon Rex babies! Very naked when young, and gorgeous their whole lives.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think they’re cute right now! I go back and forth on actual hairless cats: on the one hand, no shedding! And they are cute, in their own way. On the other hand, kind of creepy to touch, and tend toward low body fat, which makes them scary (for me, at least) to pick up and cuddle.

      Like

      • Jeffy says:

        I have three of these. They aren’t hairless generally – short, curly fur. It’s so cute, and doesn’t need brushing, and very little shedding. They do have low body fat, and long legs and tails. But also very cuddly and lap-occupying, and very curious so they have a tendency to follow you around like a dog. My eldest boy always answers to his name, and my youngest boy fetches a small ball for throwing. If you want a cross between a cat, a dog and a monkey – Devon Rex are the way to go…

        Liked by 1 person

  5. You do realize that your internet search history is no longer private, right? Dear help you when Google sells the information that you’re into naked old men…

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s