Long-time readers may have noticed that I don’t consume shows on the same timeline as the rest of the world. Basically, people have to nag me for at least a year for it to even get on my watchlist, then I need another two to three years of prodding before I’ll sample the first episode. If that fails to grab me, it’s over. Sorry.
That’s why I’m not actually watching The Walking Dead—I tried, but it wasn’t giving me what I needed and I stopped replying to its late-night texts midway through the first season.
So now you know what’s up with that, and what it takes to get me to watch. Now, think back a few years, to when everyone was talking about Revenge. Remember that? Back then, a friend uttered quite possibly the only words that could get me to put a show in my Netflix queue without other prompting: “You kind of remind me of the girl on that show.”
What? You’re surprised that my ego perks up at the opportunity to watch a show about me? You must be new here.
However, the rest of the process cannot be rushed, so it wasn’t until just recently that I finally sat down with Husband and said, “Hey, what about this Revenge thing?”
The one that’s been over for years.
I don’t really have a plan for this post other than to talk about how Husband and I spent our evenings for the past few weeks, so let’s try this: let’s list my favorite… we’ll go with eight… things about Revenge. The show, not the activity. Although…
#1 My friend was right: I have found my avatar.
We call her the White Ninja Revenger, because that’s what she is. She got special training for it and everything. Husband had his doubts at first, but once I started pointing out similarities even he couldn’t deny the resemblance.
WHITE NINJA REVENGER: (destroys lives, smirks)
ME: I fucking love this show.
HIM: How are we watching this?
ME: Alexis said I kind of remind her of one of the main character.
WHITE NINJA REVENGER: (threatens to murder best friend)
HIM: The one who never smiles?
ME: SHE LAUGHS!
HIM: Only when she’s faking it.
ME: Oh, she’s having fun.
HIM: Seriously, though.
ME: Seriously? I think it was more the “I will burn you and everyone you’ve ever loved so don’t cross me” aspect.
HIM: (nods) I can see that.
#2 Revenge Camp is apparently a thing, and I really want to go
The show, for those who haven’t already seen it, follows the machinations of White Ninja Revenger, who is the most qualified of all the Revengers and went to a super-secret Revenge Summer Camp to learn the secrets of revenging. How have I not already heard of revenge sleep-away camp? Holy shit, this is absolutely my sort of thing!
WHITE NINJA REVENGER: (is drowning)
OTHER WHITE NINJA: (rescues her)
ME: She’s gonna be pissed.
WHITE NINJA REVENGER: Why did you do that?
OTHER WHITE NINJA: I was saving your life!
WHITE NINJA REVENGER: I didn’t ask for your help!
REVENGE TRAINER: (sulks at Revenger drama)
ME: I so want to Revenge Camp.
#3 Dead isn’t really dead-dead. Unless…
Revenge featured what might be called an “Impermanent Death” law. Basically—and you’d only know this if you’re the sort of person who watches other serial dramas exactly the way I do—there are rules for who can actually kill a person and how; all other “deaths” are to be viewed through a filter of skepticism.
DEAD CHARACTER: (walks on, impeccably dressed and clearly not dead)
HIM: Nobody stays dead on this show!
ME: Not unless they’re killed by a hooker or a stripper.
HIM: Killed by a bomb, bodyguard, hired assassin, or law enforcement—not dead.
ME: That’s House of Cards rules.
HIM: What about Rich Asshole?
ME: Shot by kind-of-a-whore. He’s dead for sure.
HIM: But she was shot by a cop, so…
ME: I fucking love this show.
#4 Not to sound greedy… but I want it all.
My actual favorite thing about the show (aside from all the revenging) is how it’s grown my wishlist. And I don’t mean just the fact that it was a show about a bunch of self-identified one-percenters. Sure, they’ve got yachts and private jets… but anybody can have those things…
BEARDED REVENGER: Promise me you’ll stay out of this.
WHITE NINJA REVENGER: I promise.
WHITE NINJA REVENGER: (enters secret room, starts torturing)
HIM: White Ninja has a torture chamber.
ME: I love that house.
#5 Sisters doin’ it for themselves.
I lied. My actual favorite thing on this show was the astonishing number of times dudes were called upon to kick ass and failed to do so, whereupon a lady Revenger would step in and fucking crush it. This did not always stop the dudes from insisting “it’s too dangerous for you to get involved,” but at least they looked ridiculous for doing so.
BEARDED REVENGER: (gets ass kicked, gets captured)
HIM: Yeah, he’s not a white ninja.
DRUGGIE CHICK: (kicks ass, murders kidnapper while still drugged, wearing only undies and jewelry)
ME: She is the next white ninja.
ME: I fucking love this show.
#6 You know me, I love a comedy.
The show was billed as a drama and, sure, there were some tense moments. But let’s be honest: if you weren’t laughing hysterically, you’ve got no appreciable sense of humor and probably find plain mayonnaise-and-white-bread sandwiches exciting.
CHARACTER: (explodes into puddle of blood and guts)
MURDERER: Somebody call 9-1-1!
ME: Because they’ll bring the really big mop?
HIM: I know, right?
#7 All those valuable lessons.
Most people won’t ever hack a power grid or impersonate a Homeland Security agent, so those lessons are maybe less useful (also, probably less accurate). But, if you want to know how to smoothly take a photo without anyone noticing, spill a drink on your foe to take them out of the party, or casually lift someone’s phone/keys/life-destroying flash drive without their notice? This show is an educational requisite.
FRENCH REVENGER: (tosses drink in Rich Jerk’s face)
ME: Holy shit, what was she drinking?
HIM: Do we need to go to replay on that?
ME: Uh, yeah.
HIM: (rewinding) It’s not about how much was in the glass, it’s the angle—look how she thrust along the axis of the stem right up to his face….
RICH JERK: (is soaked, dripping, spits out additional gin)
ME: Impressive! One more time
ME: See, that’s what’s wrong with my life: I’ve never thrown a drink in someone’s face.
ME: That’s going on my bucket list.
HIM: This whole show is your bucket list.
#8 Watching it with Husband.
Sappy, I know, but oftentimes the most enjoyable aspect of any entertainment (for us) is experiencing it together. Every time I shouted out “plot twist!” or he commented “oh, he’s definitely in on it,” we bonded a li’l bit. We are neither of us quiet viewers by nature—this is probably why we don’t go out to movies as often as we’d like—so, yeah… in between all the intrigue and fires and explosions and brutal beatdowns administered by under-dressed women, we found time to work on our own stuff.
WHITE NINJA REVENGER: (is furious that someone she loves died)
ME: See, he never told her he loved her a little less every year.
ME: Because of the bananas dying off.
HIM: (sighs) I love you all of the bananas, of any variety, that ever were, are, or ever will be.
WHITE NINJA REVENGER: (is hella lonely and revengy)
ME: (quietly) Wow. (snuggles closer) That’s a lot of bananas.