We’ve done it again.
We tried grocery shopping together.
Honestly, I don’t know why we do this to each other, unless it’s to gather material for your amusement. Well I hope you’re proud of yourselves, because now we’re talking bondage.
ME: (pondering weird gravy pouches)*
HIM: I was all the way at the checkout when I looked and you were gone.
ME: Oh. Yeah. Do we need to hold hands in the grocery store, too?
HIM: You need a leash!
ME: Oooh, yes please! You’d let me put a leash and a pretty collar on you?
ME: With sparkles?
HIM: No. The leash would go on you.
HIM: Because I’m pushing the cart.
ME: Exactly. So your hands are full.
HIM: Fine, you can put a leash on me.
ME: Thank you! It’s all I’ve ever wan- ooh, look, chocolate eggs!
HIM: (visibly prays for patience)
Astute readers, the sort who actually absorb every word and don’t just skim, will have caught my subtle use of the word “too.” Yes, in fact, there are places where I’m required to hold his hand for safety reasons. Most notably, in parking lots or when walking on a busy street.
Don’t you fucking judge me!
It’s not that I’m an idiot, it’s just that I’m… easily distracted. I have, as previously mentioned, a brain that is full of ferrets. (Seriously, it’s so much fun up in there.) So when we go to Home Depot for grout, he has to hold my hand until we get to the grout section, otherwise…
ME: (quietly) Ooh, coppery!
HIM: (looks around, realizes I’m missing, hunts me down)
ME: (flips through samples)
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Look how pretty! Could we use this for the ceiling in the kitchen? Or the floor? Ooh, or the backsplash?
HIM: DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT IS??
So you see, holding my hand in the parking lot is an act of love. He’s just making sure I don’t step out into traffic because I saw a plastic bag or something.
* First of all, gravy is ridiculously simple, so I’m sort of ashamed to admit to ever using the “just add water” stuff. However… sometimes, you suddenly decide that’s what you want to have with your fries and they’re not getting any warmer, you know? So fine, I get it. But the ones where you add stock… what’s going on there? And the ones that are full of liquid… what the hell is in that pouch? What is happening on our grocery shelves?