Holding Hands

 

We’ve done it again.

 

We tried grocery shopping together.

 

Honestly, I don’t know why we do this to each other, unless it’s to gather material for your amusement.  Well I hope you’re proud of yourselves, because now we’re talking bondage.

leash coupler with sparkles

 

 

ME:  (pondering weird gravy pouches)*
HIM:  I was all the way at the checkout when I looked and you were gone.
ME:  Oh.  Yeah.  Do we need to hold hands in the grocery store, too?
HIM:  You need a leash!
ME:  Oooh, yes please!  You’d let me put a leash and a pretty collar on you?
HIM:  N-
ME:  With sparkles?
HIM:  No.  The leash would go on you.
ME:  Why?
HIM:  Because I’m pushing the cart.
ME:  Exactly.  So your hands are full.
HIM:  (sighs)
ME:  (beaming)
HIM:  Fine, you can put a leash on me.
ME:  Thank you!  It’s all I’ve ever wan- ooh, look, chocolate eggs!
HIM:  (visibly prays for patience)

 

 

Astute readers, the sort who actually absorb every word and don’t just skim, will have caught my subtle use of the word “too.”  Yes, in fact, there are places where I’m required to hold his hand for safety reasons.  Most notably, in parking lots or when walking on a busy street.

 

Don’t you fucking judge me!

 

It’s not that I’m an idiot, it’s just that I’m… easily distracted.  I have, as previously mentioned, a brain that is full of ferrets.  (Seriously, it’s so much fun up in there.)  So when we go to Home Depot for grout, he has to hold my hand until we get to the grout section, otherwise…

 

ME:  (quietly)  Ooh, coppery!
HIM:  (looks around, realizes I’m missing, hunts me down)
ME:  (flips through samples)
HIM:  What are you doing?
ME:  Look how pretty!  Could we use this for the ceiling in the kitchen?  Or the floor?  Ooh, or the backsplash?
HIM:  DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT IS??

 

copper something, very pretty

I think it might have been this, but I honestly don’t remember.

 

 

So you see, holding my hand in the parking lot is an act of love.  He’s just making sure I don’t step out into traffic because I saw a plastic bag or something.

 

Not Another Teen Movie most beautiful plastic bag

 

 

 

 

 

 

* First of all, gravy is ridiculously simple, so I’m sort of ashamed to admit to ever using the “just add water” stuff.  However… sometimes, you suddenly decide that’s what you want to have with your fries and they’re not getting any warmer, you know?  So fine, I get it.  But the ones where you add stock… what’s going on there?  And the ones that are full of liquid… what the hell is in that pouch?  What is happening on our grocery shelves?

 

 

 

 

 

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17 comments on “Holding Hands

  1. Arionis says:

    When I go grocery shopping with my wife, I ask her about a 100 times if she got everything she wanted before we head to the checkout. The reason I do this, is because 99.98% of the time I will be shuffling the groceries on to the conveyer belt, look up, and find she is nowhere to be seen. Eventually she will return with a few more items but only after all the groceries have been scanned and the clerk is standing there waiting on me to pay. Not to mention all the people behind me in line that are giving me the evil eye. So, yes, a leash would be a great idea!

    Liked by 1 person

    • It’s not that I don’t want to come down on your side in this; I do, I really do, because you are the loyal subscriber and of course I love you best.

      That said, here’s how this happens: he keeps asking me “is that everything?” and at a certain point I have to tune him out because oh my GOD, I can’t even hear myself think and he’s just too annoying. Then we’re at the checkout and the line is long and I’m staring down all the aisles near it and suddenly I realize that I could, in fact, use a couple of new hair clips, and I’m pretty sure our son said he was low on mouthwash, and… oooh, look, they’ve got a deal on all the first aid kits, isn’t that handy? Next thing I know I’m trotting back down the main aisle and am distracted from my quarry (chocolate covered peeps, yo) by the sight of my husband’s head energetically bouncing above the various displays as he scans for me. Oops!

      Liked by 2 people

  2. OMG! Too funny! My boyfriend and I can’t go to the grocery store together. He has zero patience for my shenanigans. So, he goes, and is happy. As am I 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh please!! We hate shopping together. I hate it when he comes with me because he puts all kinds of shite into the trolley…like cakes and sweets and biscuits, like he’s fucking 5 or something, then moans at me at the checkout if I dare to go back for something. ‘Oh just fucking leave it Bernie’ he says ‘Do we really need more toilet roll ?’ ‘Eh yes Jimmy’ I say, ‘Maybe we need even more now for when you’re finished stuffing your face with that jumbo bar of chocolate and super size bag of jellies, not to mention the cream cakes and biscuits…you know the things that we REALLY need?’ Men I swear…shouldn’t be allowed near a supermarket…unless it’s on their own, with no wives around!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. we never shop together. Even in the grocery store she takes fooooorrrreeeever……

    Liked by 1 person

  5. noellekelly says:

    This was actually a very sweet post! I like it 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  6. josypheen says:

    Hahaha! My husband holds my hand to stop me walking into roads sometimes. I know how you feel!

    By the way, do folks in the US have shopping delivered? It’s the same price here if they bring it to you vs you picking it up yourself. We never go to the supermarket together as it is so much easier to have someone bring all the heavy things to us! Then I just buy a few veggies on my walk home in the evening.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Some stores do, but it’s a bit of a hassle due to the possibility of them getting it wrong or deciding to make substitutions when they’re out of things – have to go back anyway then – and there’s always an extra cost… plus, why eliminate a source of perfectly good arguments?

      Liked by 1 person

      • josypheen says:

        Aaargh. True. I normally turn down the substitutions (I buy the heavy things like cans, potatoes, cat food etc. so it’s never too urgent if we don’t have something…)

        We’re rubbish at arguments, so I might be missing out.

        Like

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