Selflessness Inaction

 

Offspring turned 17 this year, and I now fully understand why some animals might be compelled to eat their own young.

 

alligator eating baby gator

 

It’s so they never have teenagers.

 

But, as I remind myself daily, we are almost done!  This one is being prepped for ejection from the nest, because I am not one of those people who suddenly suffers pangs at the idea of having no children in the house.  Frankly—and don’t get me wrong here, I love that boy with every fiber of my being—if I hadn’t had him young, I’d have discovered the freedoms of adult life and probably wouldn’t have had any children, ever. 

 

But here we are, and I’m hard at work turning a surly teenager into a person who can feed himself even if the nearest McDonalds is closed while police investigate the apparent mass suicide. 

 

Thankfully, the internet is full of recipes that include a video of the thing being made (because watching me do it proves nothing—I became an idiot sometime around his eleventh birthday).  So Offspring is occasionally (at least one night a week) responsible for dinner.  More or less.

 

This idea has been praised by everyone who’s never had a teenager; my friends who’ve already been there smile knowingly.

 

 

OFFSPRING:  That’s two bell peppers and one jalapeno diced evenly. Done!
ME:  Onion?
OFFSPRING:  No…
ME:  Why not?
OFFSPRING:  I’m not sure how… jalapeno juice in my eye… headache… (excuses and muttering)
ME:  Fine, I’ll show you – sheesh! (quickly chops red onion)
OFFSPRING:  See, I would never have been able to do it that fast and efficiently! It’s better for all of us that you did it – we’ve successfully delayed the end of the universe!
ME:  How you figure?
OFFSPRING:  Law of entropy. Dad was telling me about it.
ME:  Uh-huh, I’ll bet he did.

 

Entropy Seminar cartoon

 

So you see, sometimes he doesn’t even need to be in the room to find himself in trouble.

 

 

 

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4 comments on “Selflessness Inaction

  1. Arionis says:

    Kudos to you for preparing your offspring. My older son from a former marriage was not prepared to fend for himself. I pleaded with my Ex to have him get a part time job during his high school years just to get used to the idea of providing for himself. She never did and when he graduated she gave him a week to find a job. Of course he didn’t and she kicked him out. He came to live with me and within a week he had a job and I charged him rent. Nothing serious, only a small amount to get him used to the idea. Of course he thought it was all grossly unfair at the time. Now he is in his mid 20’s and doing just fine on his own. He actually thanked me a few years back for preparing him.

    Liked by 1 person

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