Who’s In Charge Here?

 

We’ve established that I’m not a grown-up, so nothing I’m about to say should come as a surprise to you.

 

And yet…

 

 

First of all, I’m going to have to throw Husband under the bus a bit by saying that at least I’m not the picky eater—he is.  Did I mention he only just tried guacamole after being shamed into it?  Because he did, finally, though he still swears he hates avocados so I don’t know what to do with him because how can anyone hate avocados, they are literally the most inoffensive flavor on God’s green earth—it’s like saying you don’t like water!

 

Okay, so here’s the thing: feeding me isn’t easy either.

 

Holly Golightly surprised

 

Right?  Not where you thought I was going.  But here’s what usually happens:

 

 

 

HIM:  Hey, can we talk about dinner?
ME:  Mmm, I’m not really hungry.
HIM:  Okay, but… if we need to run to the store, we should have a plan soon…
ME:  Yeah, I know.
HIM:  (hours later)  So, about dinner…
ME:  Yeah, I don’t think I’m going to be hungry.
HIM:  (sighs)  Should we just plan on something light?
ME:  Maybe?
HIM:  (goes away sad)
ME:  (ten minutes laterOH MY GOD I’M STARVING!  WHERE IS ALL THE FOOD?

 

 

See?  That’s not how a grown-up would feed herself.

 

“Okay,” I hear you saying, “but that was just a template.  Can you give us an actual example?  Something recent!”

 

Of course I can.

 

 

HIM:  (making jambalaya, pulls out phone to check recipe)
ME:  (via skype)  Changed my mind, want this (links recipe)
HIM:  (storming in)  I’ve already pulled the trigger on jambalaya.  Aromatics have been cut, there’s no going back!
ME:  But I’m hungry now!
HIM:  … So why change the plan?
ME:  This is already done!
HIM: 
ME:  …
HIM:  No, it isn’t.  It’s done in the picture.
ME:  Nuh-uh.  There’s a video!
HIM:  …
ME:  (triumphant smirk)
HIM:  Fine, print it out and eat it, but you’ll have to share with your dog.
ME:  (huffs)

 

 

“Yes,” you’re thinking (or perhaps saying aloud because we are truly kindred spirits), “that’s all perfectly normal hangry talk… and not all that recent, because I remember you posting a picture of said chopped veg and complaining how he chased you out of the kitchen for stealing a pepper.  Really, haven’t you got anything weird for us?”

 

Oh ye of little faith.  How ‘bout this: just a few days ago I made coddle, which is (shut up) one of my absolute favorite things to eat and I cannot be reasoned with in its presence.  Seriously, I don’t even need to be hungry—if  I am presented with (my) coddle I will serve up two bowls without batting an eye.

 

 

ME:  So full.  Why did you let this happen?
HIM:  How is this my fault?
ME:  You didn’t stop me!
HIM:  You’re supposedly a grown-up.
ME:  Yeah, but you know that’s not true.  Plus, you’re supposed to stop me from making terrible decisions.  If I was about to marry someone else you’d stop me, right?
HIM:  … Do you feel like that would be a mistake?  Maybe he’d stop you from overeating.
ME:  Well, now that I’m married to you.
HIM:  Pretty sure the state would stop you.
ME:  Nah, they only care if I file taxes with both of you.
HIM:  True.
ME:  Oh my god, I just looked over and saw that there’s still a little bit of coddle and had to stop myself from—
HIM:  Seriously?
ME:  (nods pitifully, polishes off cider)
HIM:  Well it’s a good thing you inherited that extra alcohol stomach.
ME:  Right?  (doubles over) Aorhuoueou.
HIM:  ?
ME:  I don’t know.  There’s a lot wrong with me right now.  I hurt.
HIM:  (laughs)
ME:  And you won’t help me!
HIM:  I probably won’t stop you in the future either, if you’re going to be this entertaining.
ME:  MY SKIN DOESN’T FIT ANYMORE.
HIM:  (laughs harder)
ME:  How is this funny to you?
HIM:  It just is!
ME:  Shut up and take my bowl away before I finish that off.
HIM:  (laughing) Oh my god!

 

 

Basically, between the two of us, it’s a lot like feeding a toddler.

 

Inside Out broccoli tantrum

Except we’ll eat broccoli… as long as it’s cooked properly.  Not overcooked – that’s disgusting.

 

 

 

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8 comments on “Who’s In Charge Here?

  1. gingerbread76 says:

    OMG. We are kindred spirits. When Tarzan and I got married, I thought we would fight about the things they always tell you you’d fight about.. money, sex, kids, etc. Nope. We fought about food. And the dog. We don’t fight about the dog anymore, but food is still an issue. Smh.

    Oh… and what is coddle???

    Liked by 1 person

    • Boiled sausages, bacon, potatoes, onions, and carrots in stock and cider and cream… like a stew but not thick at all; the flavor is familiar and comforting to those who have never tasted it.

      Liked by 1 person

      • gingerbread76 says:

        You should post the recipe!

        Liked by 1 person

        • • 2lbs smoked pork sausage
          • 1lb bacon (we are not fucking around here)
          • 2 large onions, sliced thin
          • ½ lb baby carrots, halved
          • 6-8 golden potatoes
          • 2-3 cups chicken stock
          • 1 ½ cups hard cider (I like Magners, but you do you)
          • ½ cup heavy cream
          • salt and pepper to taste

          Note: I do all of these steps simultaneously, layering in the dutch oven as I go, but for ease of writing it down I’m pretending you’re cooking one thing at a time and “setting it aside” and then assembling. You can totally do this, but it makes more cleanup, which I am not into. You might have a maid or something.

          Heat oven to 325° F

          Cut bacon into smallish (½—1 inch) pieces (easier if you leave it stacked while cutting then separate) then cook in hot cast iron skillet until crisp; set aside.

          Sautee onions in leftover bacon grease, or in some other oil if you hate bacon. I don’t know, maybe there’s something wrong with you. But if it’s the pork thing, this recipe probably isn’t for you.

          Cut pork sausage into manageable (will fit in your pan) pieces and sear in hot pan (maybe with some leftover bacon grease? Who’s watching?), turning for even sear. Set aside.

          Slice potatoes into ½-inch medallions, then halve to produce roughly bite-sized pieces. Don’t go too small, trust me!

          Slice seared sausage into bite-size pieces (nice and thin is fine here, it won’t break down)

          Assemble in dutch oven, layering ingredients and seasoning along the way.

          Add chicken stock (more or less, according to personal taste) and cider.

          Pour heavy cream down side of pot; watch it mix with the stock and the cider; feel terribly decadent.

          Slide pot into hot oven and wait impatiently (90 minutes).

          Serve with soda bread, if you’ve thought that far ahead.

          Eat way too much, praise me for introducing you to this culinary delight. Curse me when you can no longer fit through a standard doorway.

          Liked by 1 person

  2. Arionis says:

    LOL! Your dysfunction is my entertainment. 🙂

    Your video recipe reminded me of one I saw recently.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Phil Taylor says:

    I’d like to point out that in the earlier paragraphs that you complained when he tried to make you dinner! That’s the craziest part. What wife complains when their hubs makes dinner?

    Liked by 1 person

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