My Eggs

 

You guys.

 

I am a goddamned genius.

 

Genius medal [citation needed]

 

I know, I know… I promised you that this wouldn’t be my craft blog—you’ve got plenty of those (if you haven’t, I can make some recommendations) and it sure as hell won’t be my food blog (again, if you’re in need, I can make some recommendations) because the internet is full of those and those are for people who clean their house even if nobody’s coming over.*

 

But this one time, I have to tell you what I’ve done.

 

It began, as so many things do, on Easter Sunday.

 

Because I am a busy lazy person, I forgot to cook the eggs until the day before, and then forgot to color them until that morning.  So.  Easter Sunday, and I’m dying eggs.  Whatever.  Offspring was no help, because even though he said he wanted to color eggs, what he really meant was that he wanted for there to be boiled, colorful eggs in the house and for me to make a mess with a crazy-ass art project while he watched me get in trouble for destroying the kitchen.  Again.

 

Teenagers.

 

Anyway, after the eggs were done and I was photographing them (because, thanks to Instagram, we now know that nothing really happens unless it’s photographically documented, filtered, and rated by strangers) it occurred to me that there had to be a better way.

 

 

ME:  Why do we boil the eggs before dying?  I mean, why is that the tradition?  Is it just so kids can eat them right away?  Because we’re also giving them candy…
HIM:  So they don’t go bad?
ME:  They’re eggs.  Chickens sit on them until a farmer remembers to come by and collect them, then they sit out until someone cares enough to package and sell them, and still they sit out until someone decides, “shit, these are gonna be out a while, we’d better refrigerate them.”  Overnight, or even most of the day won’t hurt them.
HIM:  In case Kirk loses the egg map?
ME:  Those were also boiled eggs.  If you don’t find ‘em all, cooked or raw isn’t really going to make a difference.  This is why Playboy Mansion egg hunts use blown out eggs.
HIM:  …
ME:  Girls Next Door.
HIM:  Ah.
ME:  I’m just thinking that we put a lot of extra stress on ourselves, buying eggs a month in advance so they’ll be ready for boiling in time for Easter, just to dye them and have boiled, dyed eggs in the fridge.
HIM:  You want to dye raw eggs?  That’s fine.
ME:  That’s what I’m thinking.  Colorful eggs, ready to go, all around Easter!
HIM:  For that matter, who says they’re only for Easter?
ME:  …
HIM:  You could have festive eggs all year.
ME:  I WILL GLITTER THE CRAP OUT OF SOME CHRISTMAS EGGS.  Just you wait.
HIM:  (laughs)

 

Hamilton "Just you wait!"

ME:  Seriously, I think we’re on to something here: who says colorful eggs are only for Easter?
HIM:  Jesus.
ME:  I defy you to find that in the Bible.
HIM:  (laughs)
ME:  In fact, I defy you to find a bible.**
HIM:  He did!  There was the bread, that’s the body, the wine, that’s His blood, and the eggs… I think that was his testicles?
ME:  You’re going to hell.
HIM:  (laughing)  Yeah, but I’ve got a good map!

 

 

Now, I’m sure he thought that was the end of the matter.  Because—as we’ve established—he doesn’t actually pay attention when I talk plot.

 

But you know, don’t you?  I was serious.

 

A few days ago, I sent him out for more eggs.  A few hours later, he found them like this:

 

dyed eggs in carton

 

 

I tell you, this is my greatest idea ever.  I’m finally living my best life.  Colorful eggs!  Every day!  A different color scheme for each holiday or season!

 

I made myself an egg sandwich this morning, and the simple act of opening the carton made me smile.

 

Offspring made meatballs last night, and I swear they tasted better because he used blue and purple eggs to make them.  (He thought so, too)

 

Look, I’m not here to tell you how to live your life.***  But this is seriously the greatest thing you could possibly be doing for your grocery routine, I promise you.

 

Sure, it takes time to dye them every week.  But then I thought, it takes less time than vacuuming the stairs, and I hate vacuuming the stairs.  So obviously, I’ll just do this instead, right?

 

Problem solved.

 

dyed eggs

 

 

 

 

* That is not me.  I’m currently looking at a comfy green chair that is covered in dog hair and it’s going to stay that way until I need to put my ass on it.

** Husband is Agnostic, which delights me about him but there are at least two bibles in the house and I doubt he’d be able to find one under threat of force-choking.

*** Yes I am.

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

29 comments on “My Eggs

  1. Jaded Jeni says:

    Holy. Fucking. Shit.

    I’m totally dyeing my carton of eggs every time I buy them, now. Thanks for the idea!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. josypheen says:

    This is SUCH a good idea!

    We mostly have brown eggs in the UK, so after you colour them they are less bright…but I’ll ask my sister if any of her chickens have white eggs, just in case.

    My mum always used to draw our faces on eggs for Easter Sunday, so we’d get to eat ourselves for breakfast. You could add some faces to your colourful eggs if that would make life more fun…

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Victor K says:

    If I’m not here for you to tell me how to live my life, why am I here at all? =D

    I did this for a few years when I first left home, it messed with my girlfriend’s head to go looking for eggs and find a colourful surprise waiting.

    Sadly, now I just never find the time for it. I do still cut my thirteen year old’s sandwiches into dinosaur shapes for her school lunches though. She’s the envy of all her friends, who have parents that clearly don’t have enough whimsy in their lives.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. gingerbread76 says:

    We have chickens. Right now we’re getting about 5 brown eggs a day. I’m eating 3 hardboiled eggs every morning, just trying to keep up. In my experience, if you add a TON of salt to the water, you don’t have to buy eggs a month in advance. Even so, now and then you’ll come across one that won’t peel well, but most of them do. If you are using store-bought eggs, salting the water works without fail (in my experience).

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’ve tried the salt trick without success, but maybe I’m just not adding enough salt? Dunno, but waiting usually works well enough, since we don’t have a pressing need for hardboiled eggs most of the year. I’ve also heard about boiling them with vinegar, but I’m not jazzed about vinegary eggs.

      Like

      • gingerbread76 says:

        I’ve never tried the vinegar thing, either, for the same reason. I would guess maybe you aren’t adding enough salt, because the first couple of times I tried the salt thing it didn’t help for me either, and then my cousin insisted it would if I would just use MORE salt. I don’t measure, but I pretty much start one one side of the pot and just salt the heck out of the water, going back and forth across the length of the pot with my salt shaker until I get to the other side of the pot. So much salt that the eggs have like a salty residue (just a little bit) on them when they’re dry. I haven’t noticed the eggs tasting salty, though. The same would probably be true of vinegar, it probably wouldn’t affect the taste of the eggs, but I’m too chicken to try it.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. This is an excellent idea. Less vacuuming, more dyeing!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. To be fair, they do look rather awesome!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Arionis says:

    This was an Eggcellent post! I think I’ll start doing this to freak out the spousal unit. I’ll add it to my trick of leaving secret messages scratched into banana peels with a toothpick. Learned that one from Rodney Lacroix at rodneylacroix.com.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. They look so cool! Is it weird I don’t know about or understand egg dying? I have a vague memory of colouring eggs when I was about five and then not being allowed to eat them because the dye made them toxic or something. Even five year old me thought that was pointless. But Easter has always been chocolate eggs for me.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Since kits are currently out of season, I’m just using food coloring (which is totally non-toxic, but so are the egg colors, so I think your parents were putting one over on you so they could keep all the eggs). Try it yourself! Just make sure you use the liquid drops rather than the gels, and use a li’l white vinegar to keep it vibrant. POW! Gorgeous eggs and nobody around to stop you from eating them any time you want 🙂

      Like

  9. You’re officially a nutter 😂😂😂I love nutters…and Ihate vacuuming the stairs too …and I never check blogs on my alcoholliers…goodnight 🍷🍷🍷💃💃💃🎶🎶

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Ritu says:

    I love Eggs.. Have them almost every day… may just need to find time to do this!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Araucanian chickens lay muticolorered eggs . Sharon, precious wife, has a few.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Wait. You have chickens?
    You have lied to me all this time.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s