Remember that thing last fall, when Husband let his license expire and I mocked him mercilessly?
It’s not that I’m an idiot, okay? It’s just that there was a lot going on, you know? My hair was looking kind of sad, and with my birthday coming up… I got Horizon Zero Dawn, so I was super-busy hunting robot dinosaurs! And, like I said, my hair needed redoing and we had some scheduling conflicts there but I wasn’t going to go for a new photo with roots showing because I’m not actually feral. Anyway, while it took him something like three days to get his taken care of, it took me over a week. Which is not that long, right?
HIM: Ugh, I really don’t want to run out in this rain. (holds out keys) Any other licensed driver want to pull the car around?
ME & Offspring: (share unamused look)
HIM: Oh, that’s right… I’m the only one! (crosses parking lot to fetch car)
Yeah, he didn’t let up. Honestly, who thinks that’s funny?
So I got my new hair (yay!) and we rushed down to the DMV (two days later) to get my shiny new license.
ME: (steps up to counter) Renewing.
DMVGuy: Can I have your current license?
ME: (hands over license) By “current” you mean “slightly expired,” right?
DMVG: (looking at date) Aw, only a little, you’re fine.
HIM: So I don’t need to point out that she hasn’t been driving?
ME: Shut. Up. (gets paperwork, takes photo, sits down to wait)
HIM: You gave me so much crap when I let mine expire. How come I never thought to just tell you to shut up?
ME: (glares) Oh, you’d never get away with that.
HIM: So how come you can?
ME: Shut up!
DMVGal: So… what do you want to put for your ethnicity? You left it blank.
ME: I didn’t know your code for “Possibly Albino”.
DMVG: (writes “w” in the space)
DMVG: Aaaand… you left “hair” blank as well.
ME: Yeah. Anything we put there will be a lie within a month.
DMVG: We have to put something.
ME: Multi? Is that an option
HIM: (looks at clock, calculates how many meals he’ll miss for this errand)
DMVG: Some people just go with their natural hair color…
ME: (maintaining eye contact) And where are they going to check that?
HIM: (stifles laughter)
DMVG: (checking computer) Options are… bald, sandy, red, brown, black, white…
HIM: Just let her pick something
DMVG: There’s a lot of blond right now…
HIM: Your last one still said red, so not like it hasn’t been a lie for years.
ME: Ooh, I should’ve said bald! Is it too late to change it?
DMVG: (ignores me)
HIM: That’s literally the only one that would always be a lie.
ME: So? What’s that got to do with anything?