My License





Remember that thing last fall, when Husband let his license expire and I mocked him mercilessly?


Belle's suspicious eyebrow




It’s not that I’m an idiot, okay?  It’s just that there was a lot going on, you know?  My hair was looking kind of sad, and with my birthday coming up… I got Horizon Zero Dawn, so I was super-busy hunting robot dinosaurs!  And, like I said, my hair needed redoing and we had some scheduling conflicts there but I wasn’t going to go for a new photo with roots showing because I’m not actually feral.   Anyway, while it took him something like three days to get his taken care of, it took me over a week.  Which is not that long, right?


HIM:  Ugh, I really don’t want to run out in this rain.  (holds out keys)  Any other licensed driver want to pull the car around?
ME & Offspring:  (share unamused look)
HIM:  Oh, that’s right… I’m the only one!  (crosses parking lot to fetch car)


Yeah, he didn’t let up.  Honestly, who thinks that’s funny?


Clara Oswald "you did"




Shut up.


So I got my new hair (yay!) and we rushed down to the DMV (two days later) to get my shiny new license.


ME:  (steps up to counter)  Renewing.
DMVGuy:  Can I have your current license?
ME:  (hands over license)  By “current” you mean “slightly expired,” right?
DMVG:  (looking at date)  Aw, only a little, you’re fine.
HIM:  So I don’t need to point out that she hasn’t been driving?
ME:  Shut.  Up.  (gets paperwork, takes photo, sits down to wait)
HIM:  You gave me so much crap when I let mine expire.  How come I never thought to just tell you to shut up?
ME:  (glares)  Oh, you’d never get away with that.
HIM:  So how come you can?
ME:  Shut up!


man with taped mouth

Fortunately, they had tape



DMVGal:  So… what do you want to put for your ethnicity?  You left it blank.
ME:  I didn’t know your code for “Possibly Albino”.
DMVG:  (writes “w” in the space)
HIM:  (laughs)
DMVG:  Aaaand… you left “hair” blank as well.
ME:  Yeah.  Anything we put there will be a lie within a month.
DMVG:  We have to put something.
ME:  …
DMVG:  ….
ME:  Multi?  Is that an option
HIM:  (looks at clock, calculates how many meals he’ll miss for this errand)
DMVG:  Some people just go with their natural hair color…
ME:  (maintaining eye contact)  And where are they going to check that?
HIM:  (stifles laughter)
DMVG:  (checking computer)  Options are… bald, sandy, red, brown, black, white…
ME:  …Yes?
HIM:  Just let her pick something
DMVG:  There’s a lot of blond right now…
ME:  Fine.
HIM:  Your last one still said red, so not like it hasn’t been a lie for years.
ME:  Ooh, I should’ve said bald!  Is it too late to change it?
DMVG:  (ignores me)
HIM:  That’s literally the only one that would always be a lie.
ME:  So?  What’s that got to do with anything?


vivid pink hair

Let us not forget that I once rocked this color (when my hair was shorter, of course)






21 comments on “My License

  1. Jaded Jeni says:

    Cackling yet again. This made time go by faster while I’m at work! *fist pump* And of course I had to read the post from last fall and laughed like an idiot. Seriously, a few guests looked up and gave me the side eye. I gave them the most exquisite RBF in return, naturally. Your posts are absolute ambrosia, btw. ♥♥♥

    Liked by 1 person

  2. josypheen says:

    “I wasn’t going to go for a new photo with roots showing because I’m not actually feral.”

    I saw your new hair on instagram and it looks amaaaaazing. I can’t remember if I bothered to type that out when I saw it, or if I just passively clicked “like.”

    Liked by 1 person

  3. “I wasn’t going to go for a new photo with roots showing because I’m not actually feral.”

    I went with the opposite approach for my new passport photo a few weeks ago. I decided that the worse I looked in my passport photo, the less likely people would say, “No! That’s a GOOD photo of you!”

    People! I do not want you to tell me I look good in my DL or passport photo! I want you to look at these photos, gasp, then say, “Whoa! You look WAY better in person!”

    Liked by 2 people

  4. JenS says:

    I don’t know why anyone would let it get expired. I get a warning months before it needs to be done, so I have a good amount of time to get the picture done. I blame both of you for your lazyness. 😠 tsk tsk.

    Liked by 1 person

    • No warning or anything, just the date printed on your license. True, I was vaguely aware that it would expire in April of 2017, but that’s been the case since 2017 was a magical sci-fi-esque date that Future Me could deal with.

      Turns out, Future Me didn’t have her shit together any better, lol.


  5. Arionis says:

    Oh the sweet revenge of pointing out hypocrisy. I’m in the same boat as you HIM. The wife never seems to acknowledge the irony.

    Looks like that DMV gal had no measurable sense of humor. Of course, a humorobotomy is probably required to work there.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Rohvannyn says:

    Awesome post! Very funny. So, why don’t you move to AZ where they make you change it every 10 years?


  7. I don’t mean to brag, but according to my driver’s license I’m still the same weight as I was when I was 16. So it has to be true, right?

    Nope, couldn’t keep a straight face. I’m not sure if the licensing office workers don’t notice the 30 pound difference, don’t care, or are all just too Canadian and polite to bring the matter up, but either way, score for me.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Yeah, we must be close enough to the border that they won’t challenge anything here either, because they let you fill in weight, height, etc. and they won’t challenge any of it… unless it’s something that just doesn’t fit in their boxes (one guy tried to write “salt and pepper” for hair color and got told he had to pick one color).

      I still think I should’ve gone with “bald”.


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