Marvel Spoilers, Volume 2

 

GotGV2 theatre sign

 

 

Spoiler: there is a sequel to Guardians of the Galaxy.

 

I think it’s been long enough that most of you have seen it.  If not, tough shit.*  

 

Rocket winking (from Guardians Vol. 2)

 

As many of you know, Rocket is my spirit animal.  So naturally, we intended to see GotGV2 on opening night.  However, I also kind of wanted to see it with some friends and sometimes there must be compromise. 

 

 

ME:  Can we go see Guardians 2 next weekend?
HIM:  Sure.
ME:  Can we see it with K and her boyfriend?
HIM:  Sure.
K:  He wasn’t exactly going to say no with me sitting right here.
ME:  And can we go bowling with them, too?
HIM:  No.
ME:  Why not?
HIM:  Because I’ll hurt.
ME:  But!
HIM:  I’ll think it’ll be fine, and then I’ll fling a 16-pound ball and hurt myself.
ME:  So don’t use a 16-pounder!  They’ve got smaller balls than that!  Use a 10-pound.  Hell, they’ve even got an 8 or a 6 if you’re willing to look!
HIM:  (scoffs)  I’ve got bigger balls in my pants.
ME:  (rolls eyes)  No.
HIM:  (laughs)
ME:  You see what I put up with?
K:  Is this going on your blog?
HIM:  Nah, I say way stupider things than that.

 

 

Parks & Rec Andy: "I do say the cutest stuff"

Spoiler: I still wrote about it.  Because BALLS.

 

We’d planned on Sunday (Husband did some flailing and whining because goddamned Aussies had already had it for weeks and I was making him “avoid spoilers”** but I prevailed because Seeing It With Friends, right?) but then K surprised us on Saturday so I considered us ahead of the game at that point.  We sorted out show times, Husband and I made an early dinner and we got out the door with the plan to arrive about 30 minutes before our chosen show for good seats.

 

 

HIM:  So I’ve managed to avoid most major spoilers—
ME:  Well I’ve avoided all spoilers, so stop talking and don’t ruin it.
HIM:  … but I do know how many after-credits scenes there are.
ME:  Are you kidding me?  I just said no spoilers!
HIM:  That’s not a spoiler!
ME:  The way you said it is!  Now I know there’s more than one!
HIM:  It’s a Marvel movie
ME:  Nope, movie’s ruined.  Fuck this, let’s just go home—
HIM:  (brakes hard)
ME:  Asshole!
HIM:  (laughs)
ME:  Okay, but seriously, no spoilers!
HIM:  Fine.
ME:  In fact, it’s best if you just stop talking altogether.
HIM:  You keep saying that!

 

 

I was texting with K as we drove to the theater; she’d gotten there ahead of us and was saving good seats, so we relaxed a little.  She commented that it was filling up fast, and I thought “wow, good thing they got there even earlier to grab extra seats!”

 

Spoiler: I am an idiot.

 

Drax asks, "Do you need a hug?"

That might help, yes.

 

Just as we got up to the ticket counter, the nice lady at the register opposite ours shouted over growing crowd, “If you’re here for Guardians of the Galaxy the only shows we have left are….”

 

Shit.

 

I texted K to tell her they were sold out.

 

Looked up.

 

She was standing there, judging me.

 

Groot waves to Gamora, who pauses her firefight to say hi

 

Spoiler: we saw the movie, and it was amazing.

 

 

After some discussion of my fuck-up, and K’s explanation that Boyfriend had plans later with someone she’s keeping me from meeting so I don’t kill him (fair enough—he’s rumored to be loud and annoying, and everyone agrees I will rip his face off and snack on it while he cries) we sent her back into the theater and bought tickets to the last available show.  Then we went home to wallow in our stupidity, because why did I not buy them online as soon as we decided on a time?  Seriously, I’ve bought tickets days in advance, and this one time I figured nobody else would want to see a movie?

 

Andy Dwyer: "That's embarrassing"

Shut up.

 

 

But we did see it!  And it was excellent and amazing and Groot and all the things I could possibly ask for in a movie so waiting a few extra hours really isn’t anything to complain about!

 

 

Spoiler: I can always find something to complain about.

 

 

ME:  Everything about that movie was awesome.  Perfection.  Don’t change a thing.
HIM:  Yup.
ME:  Except…
HIM:  (sighs)
ME:  How cheesy was that “not with your head, with your heart” bit?  I mean, come on.
HIM:  Okay, yeah, that was bad.
ME:  That and the new studio logo.
HIM:  What about it?
ME:  It’s like five minutes of “remember these movies?  They were great, right?  Don’t you wish you were watching any one of them right now?  Well you’re not.  You’re here to watch something else entirely, so fuck you.  HAHAHAHAHAHA!”
HIM:  You need to stop watching CinemaSins.

 

 

Spoiler: NEVER!

 

Oh, but in case this post did actually spoil something for you, or your day just isn’t going well?  

Dancing baby Groot to cheer you up. YOU'RE WELCOME.

 

 

 

 

* I will still avoid spoilers because I’m a decent fucking human being (I’m still mad at someone for a Force Awakens spoiler—you know who you are).

 

** Which, seriously, I was not having any trouble with so he’s just hanging out in the wrong corners of the internet.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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4 comments on “Marvel Spoilers, Volume 2

  1. Arionis says:

    I think I might have mentioned some of this in an earlier comment. I’m too lazy to check. So, lucky you, you get the whole enchilada. I’m on an extended work trip and before I left my wife made me promise not to go see GotGV2 until I got back and we could see it together. I reluctantly promised, because on this trip I would be within driving distance of my son’s duty station and I knew he would want to go see it when we hung out. But I stuck to my guns and told him we couldn’t go. So fast forward to the next weekend. After managing to avoid spoilers my wife informed me of, oops, she saw it because she went with a friend to the movies and it was the only thing worth seeing. Fine, whatever, I decided I would see it that next day. Then my son asked me not to see it because he wanted to see it with me the following weekend when I was going to visit him again. So another week of spoiler avoidance. In the end I won because I saw it in iMax and my wife saw it in standard 2D. Was this a contest? Well if it was, I won. Even if it wasn’t, I won.

    Are you starting to regret that I found your blog and you have to read comments about my mundane life?

    Liked by 2 people

    • There’s only one person I wish hadn’t found me: she makes charm bracelets and keeps promising to re-unite me with my ex (her comments never make it past spam).

      People who make a pact to go with someone and then go without them are the very worst sort of people. And you can tell her I said so.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Regina says:

    My husband made me go the Thursday it opened. I say “made” but I wanted to see it too. Just maybe not the very second it would be possible. I was making dinner and we actually took the half cooked food and put it in the fridge to eat later. That is something I don’t recommend. It was a great movie though.

    Liked by 1 person

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