I’m Not Dead Yet!

 

I’m not dead yet, but don’t get your hopes up!

 

"Bring out yer dead!" from Monty Python & the Holy Grail

This guy’s been circling the neighborhood…

 

 

For the record, I do not have strep.  We know this because:

 

A) I don’t get strep,* and

B) There was no positive strep culture.**

 

So I am fighting for my life against something, we know not what, and am armed only with antibiotics and otter pops.  But not regulation otter pops, because Husband found that they sell these two-foot long versions and of course he had to get those even though they took three days to freeze properly. 

 

Engineers.

 

And that’s about it for my life update: I’m subsisting on a diet of ice cream and mashed potatoes (I am not complaining, y’all) and missing out on my friend’s birthday party (okay, complaining about that) and this wonderful man is trying so hard to do nice things for me but he keeps getting it just slightly wrong.

 

 

HIM:  (hands me bowl of ice cream)  I don’t know if you appreciate it, but when I bring you ice cream I don’t just put it in a bowl; I chill the bowl so the ice cream doesn’t start melting right away.
ME:  (regards frosty bowl of not-yet-melty ice cream, sets it aside)  You’re right, I don’t appreciate it.
HIM:  ?
ME:  I like my ice cream slightly melty.
HIM:  (deflates)
ME:  Sorry.
HIM:  Do you have any idea how much extra work—
ME:  I do.  Which is why I’m telling you that the first thing you said is correct; I don’t appreciate it.
HIM:  I rush it down to you—
ME:  Yup.  And then I (nudges bowl slightly) set it aside and wait for it to melt a bit.
HIM:  Well I just assumed you’d want it… normal!
ME:  (shakes head)  My hands are too cold; Ice cream won’t melt while I’m holding it.  Especially if someone’s gone and chilled the bowl first.
HIM:  (sulks)

 

King Arthur from Monty Python and the Holy Grail "you make me sad"

 

 

 

* This is my Official Position on the subject; there was a press release and everything.  I settled on it years ago, after yet another negative strep culture, when I finally decided to just never go through the process of letting innocent nurses spoil half a dozen swabs while attempting to bypass my natural “you haven’t even tried foreplay yet” bite reflex.  I am a terrible patient.

 

** This may have something to do with the fact that I didn’t actually do a throat culture, mostly because I don’t like them.  My doctor said even if it came back negative he’d still give me antibiotics because something was going on in there.  Which seemed a little irresponsible to me until Husband talked to a friend of ours (who is a nurse, which means she knows this stuff and is more inclined to explain to patients) and learned that the rapid-strep tests are terrible at actually ruling it out—false negatives occur so often that any negative can be safely ignored, so they’re really only good for torturing children who fake a sore throat to get out of school.  Not that I’m anti-torturing children, but… let’s not shove things down my throat unless I’ve offered, okay?

 

 

 

 

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17 comments on “I’m Not Dead Yet!

  1. Lisa Orchard says:

    I hope you feel better soon!

    Like

  2. Victor K says:

    Don’t get strep – lucky you! I’ve been throat-punched by strep 11 times, and they all suck. Although there was one where I completely lost my voice, and when it came back I had a week of sounding like a grizzled blues singer. That was pretty cool at 19.

    Can’t say I support the willy-nilly application of antibiotics though. That’s how you get super bugs, and no one wants more of those!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. cracTpot says:

    Ugh, this remind me of when I ask my husband to surprise me more to keep our relationship exciting, but then he surprises me with a date night on a super busy day, with a humidity level of like 100 and the last thing I want to do is go out in public when my hair is doing it’s best impression of a poodle and all I want to do is to crawl into bed and watch Netflix (which has a lot of the requirements of Netflix and chill but one apparently important one) The point is, I need him to surprise me with a surprise that I like and want, but I can’t tell him what that is, because it would ruin the surprise…I don’t understand why I have to keep explaining it, really…
    P.S. Feel better ❤

    Liked by 3 people

  4. Regina says:

    It look like this pot has been up for four hours now. I sincerely hope you are still not dead. Although, I’d be tempted to milk it for a diet of ice cream and mashed potatoes!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. musingonamonday says:

    Everyone knows that ice cream tastes WAY better when it’s a little melty. I’m on your side, girlfriend.

    Like

  6. Arionis says:

    I sincerely hope you are not eating the ice cream and mashed potatoes together and I most definitely hope you feel better soon!

    Liked by 1 person

    • In the same bowl? No. At the same time? Maybe. Sometimes. YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!

      Liked by 1 person

      • emilypageart says:

        Ever dipped a french fry into a milkshake? Delish. So I say that you should mix a little mashed tater with a litttle ice cream, lol. You never know. Worst case scenario: you vomit it back up and tell your husband that that’s what happens when you eat ice cream that’s too cold. He’ll never bring you a chilled bowl again.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Fried potatoes + ice cream = yummmm. And, if I’m going to be honest with you (which is my goal, much to my husband’s alarm) I’ve even been known to do pickles and ice cream (the only reasonable use for vanilla, if anyone asks). But I think even I would balk if presented with a bowl of mashed and cream. Maybe my fever’s not high enough?

          Liked by 1 person

          • Another use for vanilla ice cream is to let it get a little melty and then mix in chocolate chips (Ghirardelli, obviously) and chopped up walnuts. Basically, the ice cream is there to hold the rest together without interfering with the flavor.

            Like

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