I’ve mentioned the three cats, right?
One of them, the little man, aka Fatass,* is our only genuine rescue. (I pulled him from under a bush, and he was literally starving to death; our other pets were either “adopted” for cash—that’s still buying, sorry—or would have found a perfectly nice home if we hadn’t taken them on.) He is also the cutest goddamned thing ever.
That’s not going to save him if he gets up on the counters one more time.
OFFSPRING: Mom? Were you going to make more of these cookies?
ME: Yeah… why?
OFFSPRING: Because there are pawprints in the powdered sugar…
ME: YOU FAT FUCKER, GET BACK HERE!
I know some people allow this behavior, or at least don’t let it upset them, but I run this household (at least, as far as the animals are concerned) and I decide who gets to be where. None of them have ever been allowed on or near the countertops or tables—to the point where the other two cats haven’t even tried it since they were tiny—yet he has suddenly decided that this is totally a thing.
Cute or not, I’m going to murder him.
Husband got me beautiful flowers for Mother’s Day—which is a big deal, because he didn’t used to do flowers due to a past trauma**—and they were safe for a whole 27 hours.
ME: So somebody’s been eating these.
ME: Somebody who gets up on things, and is an ASSHOLE! (glances around for Fatass)
HIM: That is who probably did it, yes.
ME: (suspicious) Was it you?
HIM: I don’t get up on things!
HIM: Of course, I wouldn’t need to get on the table in order to eat the flowers…
HIM: But I also didn’t do it.
HIM: I realized after I listed that criteria that it didn’t help my case.
* Okay, so here’s the deal about our pets’ names: I have two greyhounds, which means their names are registered and an easy thing for anyone to look up. This does not jive with Husband’s desire to remain anonymous. So I can either pretend we don’t have dogs or I can decide that all of the pets are to be known only by their nicknames (of which they each have many) and/or identifying features. I’ve chosen the latter, obviously. Some people have a problem with me calling a cat Fatass, but since the cat doesn’t mind, I’m not going to change that. You’ve probably guessed that my son’s name isn’t really Offspring, so let’s all agree that this is a cute thing I do and just go with it… don’t ask me to make up clever fake names for them, because I’d be tapping into real names that I might use someday on future pets, and that could get confusing.
** Have I told you about that? I need to tell you about that someday.