I May Commit Caticide

 

I’ve mentioned the three cats, right? 

 

our three cats

Seen here, ranked according to their awesomeness… #3 will fall as soon as we get a cat-shaped pillow.

 

 

One of them, the little man, aka Fatass,* is our only genuine rescue.  (I pulled him from under a bush, and he was literally starving to death; our other pets were either “adopted” for cash—that’s still buying, sorry—or would have found a perfectly nice home if we hadn’t taken them on.)  He is also the cutest goddamned thing ever. 

 

former feral kitty

Seriously, so cute.

 

That’s not going to save him if he gets up on the counters one more time.

 

 

OFFSPRING:  Mom?  Were you going to make more of these cookies?
ME:  Yeah… why?
OFFSPRING:  Because there are pawprints in the powdered sugar…
ME:  YOU FAT FUCKER, GET BACK HERE!

 

so cute, no regrets

“I regret nothing”

 

 

 

 

I know some people allow this behavior, or at least don’t let it upset them, but I run this household (at least, as far as the animals are concerned) and I decide who gets to be where.  None of them have ever been allowed on or near the countertops or tables—to the point where the other two cats haven’t even tried it since they were tiny—yet he has suddenly decided that this is totally a thing. 

 

Cute or not, I’m going to murder him.

 

Husband got me beautiful flowers for Mother’s Day—which is a big deal, because he didn’t used to do flowers due to a past trauma**—and they were safe for a whole 27 hours.

 

 

ME:  So somebody’s been eating these.
HIM:  Yeah.
ME:  Somebody who gets up on things, and is an ASSHOLE!  (glances around for Fatass)
HIM:  That is who probably did it, yes.
ME:  (suspicious)  Was it you?
HIM:  I don’t get up on things!
ME:  True…
HIM:  Of course, I wouldn’t need to get on the table in order to eat the flowers…
ME:  …
HIM:  But I also didn’t do it.
ME:  Uh-huh.
HIM:  I realized after I listed that criteria that it didn’t help my case.

 

tulip arrangement

Apparently delicious

 

 

 

 

* Okay, so here’s the deal about our pets’ names: I have two greyhounds, which means their names are registered and an easy thing for anyone to look up.  This does not jive with Husband’s desire to remain anonymous.  So I can either pretend we don’t have dogs or I can decide that all of the pets are to be known only by their nicknames (of which they each have many) and/or identifying features.  I’ve chosen the latter, obviously.  Some people have a problem with me calling a cat Fatass, but since the cat doesn’t mind, I’m not going to change that.   You’ve probably guessed that my son’s name isn’t really Offspring, so let’s all agree that this is a cute thing I do and just go with it… don’t ask me to make up clever fake names for them, because I’d be tapping into real names that I might use someday on future pets, and that could get confusing.

 

** Have I told you about that?  I need to tell you about that someday.

 

 

 

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38 comments on “I May Commit Caticide

  1. Non-cat facebook friends have asked why we don’t just keep our cats off the counter.

    I laugh and laugh and laugh.

    And I use a cutting board for all food prep. And leave the tomatoes and the pears and any produce but onions and garlic in the dining room behind a closed door.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I routinely call my cat an asshole and she deserves it. She ate my mother’s day flowers. Why do they do that? Assholes.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I mean, all cats are assholes – it’s kind of their thing, right? – but what is with eating our Mother’s Day flowers? That’s a special kind of dickishness, that is.

      He’s sunning himself on my favorite green ottoman right now, and he just turned his back on me because he can feel me getting mad at him all over again. But he chirped while he did it, because he knows I can’t resist that noise. Another asshole move.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Barb R says:

    Squeak, Princess, Snivelhund, Recalipuppy and Bedthief are not the real names of our animals either. Sometimes nicknames are even better than their official names.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Victor K says:

    We only have one cat and a rabbit, neither of which tries to get up on things. The rabbit only gets to run around when supervised, so she’s not a problem. I have occasionally had to get the cat out of things (walls, floors, what-have-you), but she tends to stay off of tables and counters. Actually, I lie, she likes to sit on the backs of chairs when we are on them so she can rest against our heads.

    I take it as a sign of her undying gratitude for my finding her tied up in a plastic bag behind some trees in winter. Remind me to tell the story some time – it was a horrible and wonderful day all at once!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Two things: First, bunnies are awesome and I want lots of bunny stories out of you. Second, people are assholes – but you knew that.

      Fatass/Little Man/Cuteness also shows his gratitude for having been rescued, but he does it by recreating the night I found him: he hides in tiny nooks and corners and cries pitifully until I come find him, then chirps triumphantly and pounces out to get my feets.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Victor K says:

        She is an excellent bunny. She’s a lionhead dwarf, so she’s small and fluffy. Because our child was (I think) four when we got her she’s called Puff Puff, aka Princess Fluffybutt. She’s moderately okay with being held, and is leash trained so we can take her out in the back yard to ravage the weeds.

        And Fatass sounds super cute. Hard to stay mad at that kind of affection.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. emilypageart says:

    My parents were all esoteric and scholarly and shit, so they named our cats when I was a kid “I” and “Thou.” Which meant that they had to call a cat “I.” Practical. Eventually, “Thou” became “Thou-y,” and “I” became “FatCat” or “FattyZoo.”

    Liked by 1 person

    • I had a goal, once upon a time, of giving our animals only literary names. You know, keeping it classy. But then Husband got his stupid little ball of fluff and wanted to name her, and greyhounds come with a name already, and Fatass was supposed to be a foster so I named him improperly and now he’s got a hyphenated name because I had to tack on the name I wanted to give him on after the name he was actually answering to.

      See? Lofty ideals; blow your nose with ’em.

      Like

  6. Regina says:

    All I have is two cats and a dog and they remind me daily that I’m not cut out for motherhood. It’s probably not appropriate to talk to children the way I sometimes talk to my pets.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Angela Sims says:

    I’ve had to steal a small garden fence thingy I used in the duck pen (6 ducks…lotssss of fun, fluffy, keep dominant males separate, work), and put it around Calvin, my new bonsai. Fancy “areyouforrealyouEATplantsflowersCalvins” is trying to work out how to use a fork to pole vault.

    Sticky tape fortress coming up!!!

    A

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah, bonsai is just taunting them with portion control. Someone told me once to try keeping cactus around. I will tell you now why this does not work: cats will eat it anyway. They will regret it, briefly, and then they will come back for more because the one thing they hate more than the pain is the thought of you having nice things. Also, once you get the needles out of the way, cactus is pretty dang tasty.

      Like

  8. Em Linthorpe says:

    I have 4 arseholes. I mean cats. They have scratched the walls down through the plaster in some places. But cats though…squueeee! They can get away with anything really. Cute little idiots x

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Ritu says:

    Oh I love our cats!!! 😸🤣

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Lisa Orchard says:

    LOL! We have a cat who thinks she runs the household, too. 🙂 I think they conspire with each other…just sayin’ 😉

    Like

  11. Gloria says:

    Fatass is okay. My daughter’s cat is massive and lazy with it. Her name is Malibu but she also comes for Fatbitch 🙄 (nothing to do with me).

    Liked by 1 person

  12. hehehe Yet again I can proudly stand before the world and say, “I am Not a cat person” 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • I was about to argue the awesomeness of cats, but I just had to yell “No, fattypants, there are no feets in the bathroom!” and then I looked down and Husband’s annoying droolmonster was purring up at me like she’s gonna bug me for a while, so I’m probably not in the best spot to defend cats right now. Let me go find the babycat, then we’ll talk 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  13. Kitties!!!!!! My cat is constantly hopping up on the table, and obviously, I’m not a fan, but it drives my husband bonkers. He’ll shout at the cat, and the cat–in typical cat fashion–will just blink back at him. Then, I ask nicely and he’ll leave.

    Ah, isn’t this nice, as I am typing this, he just hopped up onto the counter, and he’s looking at me like, “Dad’s not home. You don’t have to tell him.” Now he’s trying to open the cabinets…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Fatty is also very into cabinets. We joke that the reason three cats get along so well is that they have different territory staked out: Babycat likes Up, the stupid one likes Under, and the Little Man likes In. We suspect his objection to closed doors is a holdover from his time as a stray, poor luv.

      Liked by 1 person

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