How to Win Any Argument

 

I don’t want to brag,* but I’m pretty good at this marriage thing.

 

Ming-Na Wen confident shrug

 

In fact, I’ve found a way to win any argument with my husband.  It doesn’t matter what he’s got on me, either; he’s powerless against this comeback.

 

You want to know what it is, don’t you.  Well, good thing for you I’m feeling generous.

 

My friends, the magic words to turn any argument around are: “Why you gotta call me fat?”

 

Fat Amy saying, "whoomp there it is"

 

Now, now, hear me out.  Some of you are already thinking, “but what if he didn’t actually call me fat?”

 

Doesn’t matter.

 

Watch this:

 

HIM:  Honey?
ME:  Mmm?
HIM:  It’s getting pretty late… when were you going to start dinner?
ME:  Why is it my responsibility to make dinner?
HIM:  … Because you said you had a plan, and that you wanted to make the thing?
ME:  So?
HIM:  So now it’s 8:00 and you haven’t started and I haven’t eaten in eight hours and I’m hangry!
ME:  Is it my fault you didn’t eat?
HIM:  It’s your fault when you say you’re making dinner and then you don’t!
ME:  WHY YOU GOTTA CALL ME FAT?
HIM:  I… what?
ME:  Why you gotta call me fat?
HIM:  I don’t… how did…
ME:  Yeah, let’s talk about that.
HIM:  I’m… sorry?
ME:  You should be.  And maybe you should go order a pizza to make it up to me.
HIM:  … (wanders off to order pizza)  Thin crust?
ME:  You saying I need it?
HIM:  NO!

 

 

 

These six words are a power to be feared. 

 

book of magic, lights and symbols

 

 

And it works for kids too!

 

 

ME:  (to Offspring)  What the hell were you thinking?
HIM:  Seriously, what was going through your head that made you decide that was okay?
OFFSPRING:  (sullen)  I don’t know.
ME:  Oh, that’s a bunch of crap and you know it.  “I don’t know” is an excuse for when you’re not listening.
HIM:  Are you not listening to us?  Is that it?
ME:  Maybe he needs to spend some time with nothing to do but listen to us.
HIM:  His video games have been pretty distracting.
ME:  TV and computer, too.
HIM:  What do you think?  Do we need to start taking away all your privileges so you can think about why you do things?
OFFSPRING:  Dad, why you gotta call Mom fat?
ME:  (turning on Husband)  Yeah, why is that?
HIM:  WHAT JUST HAPPENED HERE????

 

 

“But!” I hear you saying, “Surely he does not say such things in front of others, so we cannot know if Outsiders interfere with the power of these magic words!”

 

Have you learned nothing about him?

 

 

ME:  Ooh, this is deep – “It’s easy to ruffle feathers when all around you are chickens”
HIM:  That is.
ME:  Right?
HIM:  Can’t get your feathers ruffled if you’re a cow.
ME:  WHY YOU GOTTA CALL ME FAT?!?!?!?
HIM:  I…
FRIEND:  Stop digging.
ME:  Seriously, why would you say that?
HIM:  I’m just… farm animal!
ME:  But you shouldn’t say that!
FRIEND:  Seriously, stop.
HIM:  I just… cow!
ME:  Take her advice, hands off the shovel.
HIM:  At least I didn’t say pig!
ME:  Are you kidding me right now?
FRIEND:  And he keeps digging.
HIM:  But I didn’t—
ME:  No.  Just… no.

 

 

 

 

 

* Technically true.  I don’t want to have to brag; I’d much rather everyone else spend their time talking about how amazing I am.

 

Zach Galifanakis asks "How's bragging camp going?"

 

 

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26 comments on “How to Win Any Argument

  1. Arionis says:

    That’s pretty demented. I’m guessing there is no Patronus against this dark art?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Victor K says:

    I don’t know, I’ve found a pretty surefire way to turn arguments around on my wife.

    To borrow your example as a hypothetical lead in:

    Me: Did you remember to grab bunny food today?
    Her: No, I didn’t go out today. I’ll take care of it next time I’m in that end of town.
    Me: But … we’re out! What will the rabbit be eating tonight instead?
    Her: WHY YOU GOTTA CALL ME FAT?
    Me: Good question! Why did you slug me across the jaw?
    Her: IT WAS ONE TIME AND I WAS SLEEPING! GOD!

    Seriously, when you can hold a solid right cross to the jaw over their head it’s a great way to win arguments for (checks calendar) two decades.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. DGGYST says:

    You.Are.Hilarious!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. mazmisc says:

    Sometimes you make me wonder if I really am in fact actually married.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. alawrenceg says:

    I didn’t believe you at first. You’ve convinced me.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Ritu says:

    🤣🤣🤣

    Liked by 1 person

  7. josypheen says:

    Bwahahaha!
    I am not totally convinced this would work for me, but I am totally going to give it a go.

    I normally lose arguments. It’s really annoying, but my husband is normally right about things. 😦

    Liked by 1 person

  8. This is absolutely hilarious! I don’t know if this would work for me, but maybe I could give it a shot!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Well, now I’ve gotta try this! I’ll let you know the outcome!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. You might be a genius. Just saying.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I can’t believe I’ve made it through almost 26 years of marriage without this technique to win arguments. Obviously I’ve been compromising way too much, actually admitting I’m wrong 80% of the time (because that’s how often I am actually wrong, but what does that have to do with winning arguments, right?)

    Liked by 1 person

    • If you win, doesn’t that automatically make you right? And even if it doesn’t, it’s the conversational equivalent of deploying three banana peels: creating chaos in your wake, and nobody can be bothered to remember what came before because they’re just scrambling for a blue shell or maybe a bullet. (Yes, marriage is basically Advanced Mariocart.)

      Liked by 1 person

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