I don’t want to brag,* but I’m pretty good at this marriage thing.
In fact, I’ve found a way to win any argument with my husband. It doesn’t matter what he’s got on me, either; he’s powerless against this comeback.
You want to know what it is, don’t you. Well, good thing for you I’m feeling generous.
My friends, the magic words to turn any argument around are: “Why you gotta call me fat?”
Now, now, hear me out. Some of you are already thinking, “but what if he didn’t actually call me fat?”
HIM: It’s getting pretty late… when were you going to start dinner?
ME: Why is it my responsibility to make dinner?
HIM: … Because you said you had a plan, and that you wanted to make the thing?
HIM: So now it’s 8:00 and you haven’t started and I haven’t eaten in eight hours and I’m hangry!
ME: Is it my fault you didn’t eat?
HIM: It’s your fault when you say you’re making dinner and then you don’t!
ME: WHY YOU GOTTA CALL ME FAT?
HIM: I… what?
ME: Why you gotta call me fat?
HIM: I don’t… how did…
ME: Yeah, let’s talk about that.
HIM: I’m… sorry?
ME: You should be. And maybe you should go order a pizza to make it up to me.
HIM: … (wanders off to order pizza) Thin crust?
ME: You saying I need it?
These six words are a power to be feared.
And it works for kids too!
ME: (to Offspring) What the hell were you thinking?
HIM: Seriously, what was going through your head that made you decide that was okay?
OFFSPRING: (sullen) I don’t know.
ME: Oh, that’s a bunch of crap and you know it. “I don’t know” is an excuse for when you’re not listening.
HIM: Are you not listening to us? Is that it?
ME: Maybe he needs to spend some time with nothing to do but listen to us.
HIM: His video games have been pretty distracting.
ME: TV and computer, too.
HIM: What do you think? Do we need to start taking away all your privileges so you can think about why you do things?
OFFSPRING: Dad, why you gotta call Mom fat?
ME: (turning on Husband) Yeah, why is that?
HIM: WHAT JUST HAPPENED HERE????
“But!” I hear you saying, “Surely he does not say such things in front of others, so we cannot know if Outsiders interfere with the power of these magic words!”
Have you learned nothing about him?
ME: Ooh, this is deep – “It’s easy to ruffle feathers when all around you are chickens”
HIM: That is.
HIM: Can’t get your feathers ruffled if you’re a cow.
ME: WHY YOU GOTTA CALL ME FAT?!?!?!?
FRIEND: Stop digging.
ME: Seriously, why would you say that?
HIM: I’m just… farm animal!
ME: But you shouldn’t say that!
FRIEND: Seriously, stop.
HIM: I just… cow!
ME: Take her advice, hands off the shovel.
HIM: At least I didn’t say pig!
ME: Are you kidding me right now?
FRIEND: And he keeps digging.
HIM: But I didn’t—
ME: No. Just… no.
* Technically true. I don’t want to have to brag; I’d much rather everyone else spend their time talking about how amazing I am.