Based on Your Browsing History

 

You may have noticed I have no filter.

 

Blackish #FiltersAreForSuckers

 

Hopefully, this is one of the things you love about me.  If not, this post is about to get real uncomfortable for ya.

 

 

I’ve mentioned my friend K before; she does my hair and is basically me in a shorter package.  Which is not good news for the world, by the way, because it means I’m now being produced by other manufacturers and in adorable travel sizes.

 

Rocket Raccoon "that's a really bad sign"

Oh yes, be afraid.

 

K came to me, totally bypassing my usual friendship hurdles (slow down, we just met; I’ve known you for a week now, if we were going to be friends it would have happened already… I have a lot of excuses) and basically chirped and bounced after me until I gave her a chance, which is when I scraped off her perky exterior and discovered my mini-me.  She’s fierce and blunt and stubborn and loud and just about my favorite exhausting person in the whole world, and Husband hides when the two of us are together because he can hear the conversation just fine from wherever in the county he is.

 

Which is why it’s so weird to me that he didn’t notice at all when she asked me—without any awkwardness or nervous giggling—for advice on her sex life.  She’s been with her dude for two years, I’ve been with mine for fifteen, she figured I had the inside track on awesome sexytimes… and she was right, of course.  But as I say, we were not whispering and my response was of the matter-of-fact, “Okay, here’s what you gotta do” variety, so I’m not sure how he was so surprised when….

 

 

HIM:  He broke the lawnmower, but I think we can fix it.
ME:  That sucks.
HIM:  Yeah, I’m checking online for parts.
ME:  Okay, let me know.
HIM:  Yeah… also, you may want to (coughs) clean up your browsing history?
ME:  Huh?  Ohhhhh.   Yeah, I was showing K some sex toys.
HIM:  Don’t need the details, just… take care of it.  (leaves)
ME:  Wait.
HIM:  (comes back)  Yeah?
ME:  You’re not usually squeamish about that stuff.  What’s that about?
HIM:  Just… when I’m looking at lawnmower parts and it has that section—“recommended based on your browsing history.”
ME:  (giggles)  Okay, that would be weird, but—
HIM:  And I don’t need to know that there’s a Vagina Pump.*
ME:  Oh!  Oh!  We saw that while we were looking for something and we were so confused!  Like… why?  You know?  How would… and what… so we clicked.  And do you know what it is?
HIM:  I can guess!
ME:  It’s that damned Kylie Jenner lip challenge for your vagina!
HIM:  I don’t want to—
ME:  That’s so many kinds of wrong and disturbing and dangerous and unnecessary!  I mean, how is that even a thing?
HIM:  I don’t know, but please.  Just… clear your browsing history, okay?

 

 

bad influence tag

Seriously, clen your browser history regularly.

 

 

 

*  Do not click that link at work, unless it’s already your last day and your one remaining fuck has withered.  Also, you may notice it’s an affiliate link—I’m not specifically getting into the vagina pump market, but I am trying to make a couple bucks off links I put in anyway so I can get rid of the ads (which I saw on someone else’s computer and now hate with a fiery passion).  If you object to that goal, don’t buy through the link, but don’t blame me for ads. 

 

 

 

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31 comments on “Based on Your Browsing History

  1. Victor K says:

    That. Is. Hilarious.

    And also one of the reasons my child has her own computer.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. LMFAO!!!! Love!!!!! And this happens to me often: like omg please I don’t want to be your friennnnddddddd leave me the fuck alonnneee and then BAM we are BFF because she’s just as ridiculous as I am! Finally! Someone to relate to!! Lol awesome post.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Right? I don’t know why I have this hangup; I want more friends, I just know that I don’t like most people so I assume that anyone trying to friend me up is secretly an asshole and start enacting full-on Lucille Ball routines to avoid them. So only the nuttiest get through, which is why all of my friends are insane.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Omg agree agree agreee! Except on social media I’m like friends with EVERYONE. But don’t you dare pull the “let’s meet up for lunch” thing because I don’t do eye contact boo-boo. LOL! Looking forward to reading more. Cyber xo.

        Like

  3. JenS says:

    Isn’t there an option in Internet settings to clear your history every time you close the browser? I remember seeing it before, but with Windows 10 I’m not sure it is there anymore.

    I don’t know why your Husband would find sex toys to be nervous about? Does the kid use the same computer?

    Liked by 1 person

    • This is an amazon setting, not a browser one. I keep turning it off, they keep turning it back on… I don’t know why.

      And no, he’s not usually squicked out by sex toys; I think it was just the weird suggestion (and that item) that got him. Like, “Hey, I see you’re buying lawnmower parts! You know what would go great with that? The VAGINA PUMP you were looking at last week. Look at it! Doesn’t it look like exactly the sort of thing someone should use while mowing the lawn?”

      Like

  4. Oh dear goodness, I’m curious, but nut enough to click the link. That I can do without in my recent browsing history lol

    Liked by 1 person

  5. emilypageart says:

    There is also such a thing as, essentially, a glitter bomb for your vagina. WTF is wrong with people?!! Although, I must admit, that if yeast infections weren’t a thing and I was single, I would totally have a one night stand and put that shit in in advance so that, when the guy went to pee after sex he’d discover that his penis was bedazzled. He’d have, like, a unicorn penis. That would be awesome.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Arionis says:

    I’m at work so I can’t comment on the NSFW Vagina Pump….yet. I do know that Amazon is a notorious tattle teller! I browse for presents for my wife and then she uses the same account and gets this, “Hey Ari! Remember that 1/4 karat diamond ring you were looking at for your wife? Why not upgrade to 1/2 or whole karat?” So yeah, thanks Amazon for one, ruining the surprise, and two, outing me as a cheap bastard.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Lutheranliar says:

    Favorite part: “she figured I had the inside track on awesome sexytimes… and she was right, of course.” Hahahahaha!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. So many LOLS – I love ‘favourite exhausting person’ – I know so many of these. Going to get back to pumping up my….:-)

    Like

    • There are people who are “small doses friends” because they owe you money or they literally use the word literally in every third sentence, and there are people who are small doses friends because they use up all your “Woohoo!” and “Hell yeah, let’s do it!” and leave you a limp rag in need of three day’s recovery and a cup of chamomile.

      I’m not sure which category use of the vag pump puts you in, but please… never tell, and never ever show 😉

      Like

  9. thebeasley says:

    Haha. Who in their right mind would use a vagina pump?

    Liked by 1 person

  10. lariatlarge says:

    Oh hell I just read the first of the customer reviews and now I have an image of wrinklies doing it doggie-style. So thanks for that.

    Liked by 1 person

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