You remember our friends Jake and Kira, right? Well Kira messaged me a few weeks ago with an intriguing question: would I like to join then in an escape room as a surprise for Jake’s birthday?
Now, my immediate response was confusion, because Jake’s birthday was six months ago, but Kira insisted that was what made it surprising; I was immediately on board because that’s brilliant. Also, escape room? Yes please!
So we organized the outing of six couples—why so many, you ask? Because the room limit was twelve people, and if there’s one thing Kira and I hate, it’s other people. An evening of trying to solve puzzles, in the dark, with strangers (the possibility of stupid strangers was too real) was not the birthday we felt Jake deserved.
Of course, Jake very nearly didn’t get the birthday he deserved anyway, because Husband’s communication skills leave much to be desired.
ME: (getting ready)
HIM: So… It’s 2:12. (impatient, awkward silence)
ME: Yeah… and we’re leaving at 3:30.
ME: You said 3:30.
HIM: I said 2:30
ME: You said it starts at 4:30 and that’s why we need to leave at 3:30!
HIM: No, I—
ME: Fine, I have time to get ready but you need to go wrap the gift!
HIM: I thought you were doing that?
ME: I thought we were leaving at 3:30!
I can’t win for losing, can I? And I’ll tell you what. Between you and me? I’m 100% sure he said 3:30. I don’t doubt that he meant to say 2:30, but the thing that came out of his mouth was “3:30, it starts at 4:30.”
You believe me, don’t you?
And we did get out the door just barely in time, thanks to my ability to do my hair and apply lip gloss in the car.
HIM: Thank you for being on time.
ME: Would have been nice if you’d told me the right time.
HIM: I did!
ME: You said 3:30
HIM: No, 2:30
ME: But… at 2:00, when I wanted to start getting ready, you wanted to have sex!
HIM: … Yeah? (obviously does not see my point)
ME: We would have been late!
HIM: I wouldn’t have complained.
ME: If we’d been late?
HIM: Wouldn’t have complained.
ME: And then everyone would be waiting and we’d get there and they’d be all, “you guys are so late!” and you’d be all, “no, laid.”
I really want to tell you guys all about the escape room, but one of their big rules is that you not take pictures or post about it after, because it spoils the puzzle for future visitors. All I can do is show you this picture of our first room:
And tell you that the solution to this puzzle did not involve stealing and eating the stale, ancient candy. (Though we did try, obviously)
Oh, and our next room had a nasty toilet in, but we were looking for keys so we made more than one member of our group reach in and feel around.
Which brings me to my two pieces of advice for anyone planning an escape room adventure:
- Go with friends, and leave no room for strangers. But make sure you pick your smartest friends, because I can’t imagine doing that shit with stupid people. (And listen to your smart friends so you don’t waste time poking at random things, Jake.)
- Pee before you start. They warned us about this, thankfully, but it’s seriously an hour without bathroom breaks in a hot, cramped space and you’re stressing and… yeah, I’d have had to pee if I hadn’t just gone.
HIM: I’m glad they gave us the warning about an hour without bathroom breaks, but there was a toilet right there in the room.
HIM: (laughing) You’re gonna die of whiplash and I’m gonna feel so bad.
ME: (pulls out phone)
HIM: … Because your head whipped around so fast
ME: (typing) Mm-hmm…