Escape! And Toilets!


You remember our friends Jake and Kira, right?  Well Kira messaged me a few weeks ago with an intriguing question: would I like to join then in an escape room as a surprise for Jake’s birthday?

Dory mispronouncing "Escape"


Now, my immediate response was confusion, because Jake’s birthday was six months ago, but Kira insisted that was what made it surprising; I was immediately on board because that’s brilliant.  Also, escape room?  Yes please!



So we organized the outing of six couples—why so many, you ask?  Because the room limit was twelve people, and if there’s one thing Kira and I hate, it’s other people.  An evening of trying to solve puzzles, in the dark, with strangers (the possibility of stupid strangers was too real) was not the birthday we felt Jake deserved. 


Of course, Jake very nearly didn’t get the birthday he deserved anyway, because Husband’s communication skills leave much to be desired.



ME:  (getting ready)
HIM:  So… It’s 2:12.  (impatient, awkward silence)
ME:  Yeah… and we’re leaving at 3:30.
HIM:  2:30.
ME:  You said 3:30.
HIM:  I said 2:30
ME:  You said it starts at 4:30 and that’s why we need to leave at 3:30!
HIM:  No, I—
ME:  Fine, I have time to get ready but you need to go wrap the gift!
HIM:  I thought you were doing that?
ME:  I thought we were leaving at 3:30!


girl crying "why do you keep lying to me"


I can’t win for losing, can I?  And I’ll tell you what.  Between you and me?  I’m 100% sure he said 3:30.  I don’t doubt that he meant to say 2:30, but the thing that came out of his mouth was “3:30, it starts at 4:30.” 


You believe me, don’t you?

jennifer lawrence sarcastic "okay, sure"


Thank you. 


And we did get out the door just barely in time, thanks to my ability to do my hair and apply lip gloss in the car. 


HIM:  Thank you for being on time.
ME:  Would have been nice if you’d told me the right time.
HIM:  I did!
ME:  You said 3:30
HIM:  No, 2:30
ME:  But… at 2:00, when I wanted to start getting ready, you wanted to have sex!
HIM:  … Yeah?  (obviously does not see my point)
ME:  We would have been late!
HIM:  I wouldn’t have complained.
ME:  If we’d been late?
HIM:  Wouldn’t have complained.
ME:  And then everyone would be waiting and we’d get there and they’d be all, “you guys are so late!” and you’d be all, “no, laid.”
HIM:  (laughs)


Aiden Gillen smug grin

He’s absurdly proud of being able to get me into bed, considering how long we’ve been together.



I really want to tell you guys all about the escape room, but one of their big rules is that you not take pictures or post about it after, because it spoils the puzzle for future visitors.  All I can do is show you this picture of our first room:


colorful candy shoppe


And tell you that the solution to this puzzle did not involve stealing and eating the stale, ancient candy.  (Though we did try, obviously)


Oh, and our next room had a nasty toilet in, but we were looking for keys so we made more than one member of our group reach in and feel around.  


gross old toilet

We started with the people with the smallest hands; after that we were just fuckin’ with ’em.




Which brings me to my two pieces of advice for anyone planning an escape room adventure:


  1. Go with friends, and leave no room for strangers. But make sure you pick your smartest friends, because I can’t imagine doing that shit with stupid people.  (And listen to your smart friends so you don’t waste time poking at random things, Jake.)
  2. Pee before you start. They warned us about this, thankfully, but it’s seriously an hour without bathroom breaks in a hot, cramped space and you’re stressing and… yeah, I’d have had to pee if I hadn’t just gone.



HIM:  I’m glad they gave us the warning about an hour without bathroom breaks, but there was a toilet right there in the room.
ME:  (stare)
HIM:  (laughing)  You’re gonna die of whiplash and I’m gonna feel so bad.
ME:  (pulls out phone)
HIM:  … Because your head whipped around so fast
ME:  (typing)  Mm-hmm…


woman texting from passenger seat

The real reason I never turn off my phone.





10 comments on “Escape! And Toilets!

  1. Victor K says:

    This is a big reason for my not wanting to go to an escape room – I don’t know enough people to fill a group that I would trust with my freedom, and there’s no way I want to ‘lose’ or give up. Years of gaming might be a help, but I don’t want the onus to be on myself to get through.

    Side note – compliments on the pacing of your writing! I’ve struggled through a stack of other reading the past few days, which makes one seriously appreciate a well timed-out narrative. I know I can count on you to clear the bad mental taste of poor authorship 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Compliments on my pacing are why you’re my favorite 😉

      But yeah, don’t go with stupid people or strangers. There were options for smaller rooms, though, and we’re thinking of doing one of those next time; we actually picked the room that could accommodate the largest group this time, because we wanted to include as many people as possible for birthday reasons.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Arionis says:

    I think the moral of this story is have sex with him whenever he starts hounding you about being late. More pounding, less hounding.

    I totally agree with you on the strangers in the escape room. We did an escape room last year for my wife’s birthday. It was my wife, me, my parents, and my adult son. They put us in a room with four teenagers. They would not even try to read the clues, just ran around opening stuff and using no logic at all. Here’s the amazing part. We escaped! That was only because when we had about 30 minutes left and had not accomplished a damn thing, we put those little fuckers in time out and solved it ourselves!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Sounds like great craic, but I’ll tell you,there’s a few people I’d love to lock in a room with no clues.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Don’t think there’s any such carry on over here. I think it’s just fuck them in a room, lock it and fuck the key away 🙄


  5. Ohhh, I want to do an escape room! It sounds like so much fun! Have you ever seen Impractical Jokers and the escape room punishment? So funny!

    Liked by 1 person

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