You guys, we just got the most hilarious letter from my crazy, passive-aggressive mother-in-law, and Husband gave me permission to share it with you because he loves you almost as much as I do.
That’s not true, I don’t know why I said that. He’s letting me share it because it’s funny and I asked and he already said no to something today so he used up his one veto. That’ll teach him!
Okay, so now I’m sat here trying to tell you about this letter and I’m realizing that I can’t adequately explain the full glory of its passive-aggressive contents without giving you some context. We’ve been alternately low-contact/no-contact with MIL for over a decade now, and I’m not sure how much of that to go into because it’s all unfunny and kind of a downer. She knows we haven’t contacted her, and why, and she knows she did what she did. But then I think, “I really hate when people say, ‘whatever it is, you should just forgive because Family is Everything’ so maybe I should just explain.” But I don’t want to.
But I will. Pay attention, because this is gonna go quick: we asked his parents to cosign a student loan for Husband so we could get a better rate; they agreed but didn’t follow through, instead attempting to steal over $60,000 from us. They have 100% admitted this is exactly what they were doing, and FIL’s defense was, “It seemed like a good idea at the time.” When we had to stop talking to my mother… shit, now I have to explain this one—because of the restraining order she took out after she tried to stab my husband in the back I told you my family was fucked up why don’t you people believe me?—we explained to MIL that she needed to not be relaying messages from my mother to us, because that was super illegal and could actually get Husband arrested. She insisted on maintaining contact with my mother, the woman who tried to stab her son in the back with a fucking kitchen knife, so we had to quit her again (no big loss). Legal issues are over now, but we are still in defensive mode for obvious reasons.
There. Now you know. If ever there was a justification, right?
Ah, but now there is a letter! I thought about scanning it and showing it to you, but that seemed lazy. Plus, this way, I can add color commentary!
HIM: (arriving in basement where my migraine and I have been hiding) So this came today (hands me envelope)
HIM: Do you want the light on?
ME: (looks over envelope)
HIM: You’ll need the light for this.
ME: (spots return address) Oh, dear. And you’ve already opened it.
HIM: Yeah… Light?
ME: (sighs) Fine. Bring it on. (braces)
HIM: (flicks on lights)
ME: (reads)… (laughs hysterically)
ME: How are you not laughing at this?
HIM: Because it’s more of her passive aggressive bullshit.
ME: No… honey… this is… okay, you’re reading it wrong.
HIM: (settling in) Fine, then. Read it to me so it’s funny.
ME: First of all— (waves letter) typed? Who types this up?
HIM: She does.
ME: Okay, moving on:
Dreamy and family, 
I will give her credit here: for once she has acknowledged that Offspring and I are members of Husband’s family. Believe it or not, this has been a point of some contention between them.
Here’s hoping this letter finds all of you happy and well.
The last time Husband spoke to his father was several years ago. FIL ended the call with a promise to call back soon… Husband is still waiting for that call. You know what’s a great way of finding out how people are doing? Calling them!
Dreamy, I hope you are planning to come for your 25th high school class reunion.
My 25th was the only one I missed and everyone says it was the best. I now regret not going.
ME: (expectant look)
ME: (repeats) Her 25th was the only reunion she didn’t go to, and everyone says it was the best.
HIM: Oh. Oh! (laughs)
ME: Right? (hysterical pleading) Connect the dots, Kathy!
HIM: (laughing) Okay, that part’s funny.
ME: So is the rest!
We went to your Dad’s 50th class reunion last year and had a good time. I look forward to my 50th in 2 years. These are once in a lifetime events.
So, so important that we note the age difference. Also, these are once-in-a-lifetime events! Each of them!
You have much to be proud of in your life. Everyone who comes to your reunion would be glad to see you.
You should go.
ME: (drily) Think she wants you to go?
HIM: There isn’t a reunion.
HIM: I’m in the facebook group for my graduating class. There isn’t a reunion this year.
ME: Does she know?
HIM: (shrugs) It would be easy to find out.
ME: … If it was really about the reunion.
If you do make it here, everyone in our family would be glad to see you.
Ah-ha! We come now to her point.
Let me know and we can arrange a get together in one place where we all could see you and save you time running around to the different places we all live.
Because, of course, everyone knows this is the rule: if you venture into a state where your relatives live, or adjacent to a state where relatives live, or connected by river to a state where relatives live, you are legally obligated—regardless of the reason for your planned trip—to visit each of those relatives at your own expense. This isn’t another of her selfish attempts to turn our lives into an excuse for her to host a family reunion with her as the star and main attraction—this is her doing us a favor!
And then there’s the signature!
HIM: “Sincerely with love” is an odd signature.
ME: (eyebrows at him) The whole thing is odd.
HIM: But who signs something “sincerely with love?”
ME: Your mother.
HIM: Who signs something typewritten “sincerely with love?”
ME: Your mother.
HIM: I guess, goddamn.
HIM: But she signed it “Mom.” That’s weird!
ME: When we sign cards for him (gesturing upstairs) we sign “Love, Mom and Dad”
HIM: Oh, so now it’s a card?
ME: No, but I’d still sign a letter that way.
ME: (considering) Of course, I’d have written the letter.
ME: Yeah, the only reason to sign something you’ve typed up and printed is if it’s your actual signature.
HIM: It’s fucking weird!
So, couple of things:
First off, please tell me you see the humor in this letter. Because I’ve got it sitting on my desk and I giggle every time I glance over at it. Please tell me I’m not the only one who can laugh at such ham-fisted attempts at manipulation.
Second, I need you lot to settle this for us. Husband thinks that the strangest thing about the letter is that signature. I think the strangest thing is that she sent it at all, followed closely by the fact that she addressed it to both of us (“Dreamy and family”) when every line thereafter was directed at him and the entire purpose of the letter was luring him to the back woods of Maine so she can host another hootenanny.
Also, raise your hand if you kind of want to knock on her door right now, shake her a bit and help her figure out what actually made her 25th reunion so magical for those who attended.
 I am not making this up. I wish to fuck I was.
 There’s actually been other stuff, before and in-between, but I think these two incidents kind of highlight the validity of our position.
 Obviously not what she calls him, but you’re not tricking me into giving up his real name.
 Not her real name, but it always shocks me how much she looks like Kathy Bates.
 There is zero chance that she actually wants me or Offspring to join him on that trip. In fact, she’d be surprised if you suggested that he might want to bring his wife to his class reunion; she’d blink in confusion for a moment or two and say, “But… it’s not her class! They didn’t even go to the same school!”