Nevermind, I’m an Idiot


You all know Clara, so I can skip the introductions and go straight to my problem: she hasn’t flowered since I got her.


Judy Hopps headdesking


I know, right?  So frustrating!  Here I am, keeping a damned orchid alive, and she can’t even bring herself to toss me a couple of blooms as a kind gesture?


Ungrateful twat.



Anyway, I did some reading online (there are more sites dedicated to keeping orchids happy than there are on parenting, if that tells you anything) and found some suggestions that she needs to be cold at night in order to bloom again. Easily arranged, said I, and off she went to the world’s teeniest powder room overnight.  It’s so small you can wash your hands while sitting on the toilet, yet there’s a vent in there so it’s the warmest room all winter and chilly in the summer.


Spoiler: it did not work, and now I’ve got an unhappy orchid who needs to be nursed back to health.  And we only tried it for one week!  Damned contrary plant.


"Why does everything happen to me?" whine


But the real point of this post is not what’s wrong with Clara—although if any of you can shed some light I will buy you dinner and the hooker of your choice—it’s what’s wrong with me.  Because the week of putting Clara to bed in the cold proved just how much I don’t get plants.



HIM:  (pointing at empty spot on my desk)  Do you want Clara back?
ME:  Yes.
HIM:  (starts off toward powder room)
ME:  (claps twice, calls out)  Clara!
OFFSPRING:  (looks up from laundry)
HIM:  (to Offspring)  Just… keep doing what you’re doing.  Mom just called her plant.
ME:  (facepalms)
HIM:  (places Clara on desk)  Did you seriously think—
ME:  (laughing)  I don’t know!  There’s something wrong with me.
HIM:  This is why you have pets.
ME:  I know!
HIM:  Plants can’t come when you call.
ME:  And the door was closed, so she couldn’t get out!
HIM:  … Yes.  You have correctly identified the problem.
OFFSPRING:  Are you okay?
ME:  Clearly not!


Stan Marsh facepalm






28 comments on “Nevermind, I’m an Idiot

  1. Lol actually just lol cos I’ve nothing else to offer! You Cruella de Ville of plants you!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Jen says:

    Your Offspring would have the best blog explaining his life with his parents. 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Lutheranliar says:

    Oh wow. And I thought I was the only one with Orchid Issues! People who know me know NEVER to give me a plant. It’s not that I don’t like plants. It’s that plants belong OUTSIDE in NATURE where they BELONG. And not inside my HOUSE where I have to take CARE of them, kind of like a pet. But somehow, people keep giving me plants, specifically orchids. Right this very minute I am glaring at two of them, both not thriving, both indignant at the way I am (not) treating them. There. I feel better now. Thank you.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. LittleFears says:

    Screw orchids! Flaky twits, whom if they had opposable thumbs and access to Instagram, would be posting selfies all day then moaning about how hard their lives are. Let ’em wilt I say!

    Liked by 2 people

  5. ellenbest24 says:

    mine has so many blooms I can barely see stalk. I don’t know why other than it is in a window with no direct sun I think that is what it likes. I doubt it will flower twice though … it will have worn its self out. A tip, don’t water just gently spray.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Can’t wait to see you taking over BlondeWriteMore tomorrow you funny lady! Brill post – love Clara! We have an orchid, miserable plant but she listens to my husband, who talks to her! Try getting the husband ti whisper sweet nothings to her 👍🏻

    Liked by 1 person

  7. josypheen says:

    One of my friends gave me three orchids when she left the UK… two of them flowered nicely, but one of them waited a whole year before she’d bothered to show off any prettiness. It was sort of worth the wait because it was the prettiest of the three…but don’t worry, Clara might get there eventually.

    My friend’s instructions were to leave them on a windowsill and dip their roots into water for 10-20 minutes once or twice a month. That’s all I ever did for them…

    Liked by 1 person

    • My problem is my actual house, it seems… all of my suitable windows are either east or west-facing, which is lovely light for me but fatal for orchids. So she’s thrilled with her spot on my desk (light meter confirms) but other factors are a little hit-or-miss.

      Liked by 1 person

      • josypheen says:

        She is such a fuss pot!

        We had similar issues with light. Mine liked more light that they were supposed to. I think they were on a South facing window, but they seemed to like it.

        I should probably mention that they often had the best flowers when I’d forgotten about them, or done something wrong (like leave them in water for 8 hours instead of 10 minutes!!) Oops.

        Liked by 1 person

  8. Unbound Roots says:

    Thank you for the lol! I have to say that I love orchids, and so far the five or so that I have have been kind to me. There is one exception, this huge orchid that the local grocer sold to me for $10 (it was originally selling for $90). She said, “I don’t know what it up with this thing, but I’ll sell it to you for cheap if you want to try and bring it back to life.” I’ve had it for two years now and no flowers. But, I have managed to get all the black spots to go away. I’m still hoping for flowers – one of these years. Don’t give up on plants quite yet. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh, I can’t give up on her… I just bought Special Orchid Goo all the way from Australia (Husband continues to point out that the garden center down the road is selling new orchids for $10, prompting me to scream “Clara is family!“) But she was a gift from two treasured friends who have since moved away, so if I gave up on her I’d be giving up on them, right?

      Yes, I’m in therapy.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Oh, my gosh, this is funny. I have 3 plants that are mine and that are cared for by my husband, for the most part. He was just in the hospital and pretty darned sick and I told them I would give them some water but to please wait for him to return to really get watered properly. He didn’t die, he came home, watered them, and they are looking good. I don’t know what it is about plants…

    Liked by 1 person

    • I used to be a petsitter, and part of my (and this was unique to my contract, everyone else had the standard plant clause) was that if the client had any green things in their house that needed love, they would make other arrangements. Because I did not need to be blamed for that shit when they got home. I can keep your three legged, diabetic cat in renal failure alive while you’re out of town for the month but don’t expect your ferns to last the weekend.


  10. I had an orchid foisted on me by relatives. It was one of my grandfather’s (many, many) orchids before he passed, and I feel so, unbelievably, horribly pressured (by myself, not my relatives) to keep it alive and happy.

    Liked by 1 person

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