I’ve complained in the past of my frustration with “unknown search terms.” To be clear, this is still the bane of my existence. Whatever you are doing to keep me from seeing how you got to my blog, STAHP!
But I put away search terms for a good long while—mostly because my hair was falling out from the stress—and only recently looked through them again.
I’m not sure how I feel about what I’ve found, to be honest, but I know filler material when I see it.
Here, then, are the top (humorous) search terms used to find this blog in 2016.
“tired woman cranky”
Y’all need to quit this shit. This was not, as I initially assumed, a one-off. This has become a Thing, apparently, and was one of the top search terms used to find my blog in 2016. Fuck all y’all; this is why I’m cranky!
“levar room fuck”
At first I thought someone misspelled lever, and you know how that would have distressed me, but then I realized that Google doesn’t show any capitalization anywhere in those search terms, and they must have typed in “LeVar room fuck.”
I was not comforted.
So I Googled, at great risk to my own soul and eyeballs, “LeVar room fuck.”
And sure enough, there I am. Fuck me, why are you doing this, Google? I have to capitalize your stupid verbified name if I want to appease spellcheck, but you can’t not fuck with me?
Wait. No… Google is not the real issue here. I mean, it is, but let’s get back to the person googling (fuck you, no, verbs don’t get capitalized!) “LeVar room fuck.” I mean, what the… Which room?
“my husband gives me a curfew”
Okay, this I understand. I mean, I understand which post it brought you to, at any rate. I’m not sure why your husband gives you a curfew… are you married to Hugh Hefner? He’s kind of famous for pulling that shit on his ladies. Or have you exhibited behavior in the past that led to this? I don’t mean cheating, because a curfew won’t stop that—people can fuck in daylight too, so take notice, jealous folks—but do you, for instance, have a history of getting arrested and needing him to bail you out every time you’re out with your crew past 10:00pm? If so, I can understand him, deprived of sleep and desperate to show up for work just once looking fully rested, crying “curfew!” But absent any provocation on this level, I’d recommend getting a neutral third party involved (counseling) so that someone who is not you can explain to him that he can season them however he wants, but he’s still gonna eat a giant bag of dicks before he gets to decide where, when, and how you party.
“how to invade a country?”
Again, I understand which post this brought you to, and I’m glad you found the instructions you needed. Because there’s an unfortunate dearth of information out there on this subject. Oh, sure, you can find all sorts of strategy guides if you’re looking to conquer with an army at your back. But for the lone hiker with only some water and a really cool hat? Who’s got your back?
“different eyebrows with botox”
If you were looking for funny pictures or a humorous Botox story, I’m sorry I failed you. If you had a bad Botox experience and were seeking validation and camaraderie, I’m glad you found me. If you were looking for Botox photos or stories so you could shit on people who get Botox injections and blame them for their fucked up faces, you’re an asshole and should be grateful I never saw a comment from you. (Sorry, that one’s not funny but I will never not address what happened to me.)
“my husband is my naked waiter”
I’ve mentioned this one before, and have yet to hear back from this remarkable individual. So many questions! If you’re out there, please know that I think of you often. For the rest of you, please ask everyone you know if they’ve googled this phrase. Do this for me, please. I’ve lost sleep!
“shoved things up a boys ass in alness”
This one gave me some trouble. Like a few others, I googled it to see… what the what now? And now I’m sorry I did, because if my image search wasn’t fucked up before it is permanently fucked now. Over on the non-photo side, there were only five pages of results and I didn’t see my blog in there at all, so google must’ve changed… something? Once again, I’m doomed not to know so many things, but if it’s all the same to you, Random Googler, I’ll continue in my ignorance (though I am soothed by your use of the singular). I did find out that Alness is a picturesque little town in Scotland, and doesn’t deserve to be featured in this way by a struggling humor blog. Alness, I apologize. I would apologize in person, but you are in Scotland—a country I have sworn never to visit—and I doubt we’d be able to carry on a conversation through the impenetrable veil of your accent.
And that’s basically it. There was a lot of other stuff I won’t bore you with, like people googling some variant of actualconversationswithmyhusband or nem or googling the exact url of a specific post (which… huh?) but 2017 is shaping up to be a shade more interesting, and I might do another one of these early in 2018 if there are no objections. Or if there are only a few objections. Or if I decide I don’t care about your objections. Nah, I probably care… I need you to keep googling weird shit on your way to me!