Terminal Urology

 

You know that narcissist test where they ask if you have backup dancers?

 

Rick and Morty Vegas-style backup dancers

 

No?  Never heard of it?

 

Okay, so it’s this thing, not quite a quiz, and one of the statements is “I often visualize myself with backup dancers/singers.”  For the record, I’m pretty sure that was the only one I agreed with, but I can’t remember for sure if there were others because my friends were so freaked out by the backup dancer thing (and the assertion that I need a theme song, too) that that became the topic for the rest of forever.

 

I was going somewhere with that thought… hang on…

 

 

Emperor Kuzco "Oh yeah!

 

Right!  Doors!  I don’t open ‘em.

 

This isn’t a “dainty lady” thing, I just don’t open doors.  Other people open doors, and Other People never wash their hands—actual statistics are available, please don’t make me google that shit for you—which means they are literally smearing shit and eye boogies and cat food and semen on door handles. 

 

That, in case you’re still not following me, is how you get atomic finger herpes.

 

It took my friend Nadeen over a year to notice this about me, because I am so adept at not opening doors; seriously, if we were hanging out (ooh, we should!  Let’s do something soon, ‘kay?) we would go here and there and you’d be opening all the doors and never notice that it was happening.  Your hands would be full and you’d find yourself juggling to get the door while I lagged behind and you’d never notice.  I’m that good.  She only noticed because one day she and her friend, whom I’d known for less time than it took to walk from the parking lot to the doors of wherever it was we were going, both moved ahead to get the door.  Automatically, because that is the instinct of anyone walking near me.  Anyway, with both doors open for me I made rather a grand entrance and they sort of trailed after me; the new girl noted that they were kind of like my backup dancers and that’s when it clicked for poor Nadeen that I’d never opened a door. 

 

Versailles dramatic entrance

I mean, I wasn’t wearing a wig or anything…

 

She was displeased, but what could she do?  Doors are gross, I argued, and try as she might, in all the years since she hasn’t managed to manipulate the situation so that I had to open a public door. 

 

Know what else gets vile and is rarely cleaned?  Elevator buttons.

 

graph showing lift buttons are dirtier than toilets

Plus, I’ve actually watched children lick elevator buttons.  Just sayin’

 

HIM:  (steps into elevator)
ME:  (joins him, fiddling with phone)
HIM:  (trying to reach buttons past me)
ME:  (flicks glare at panel)
HIM:  You know, most people would have pushed the button.  You just shot it a look and the doors closed!
ME:  Well, given that I tend to push the buttons with my foot

 

 

Yeah, see, sometimes I’m alone and going someplace that’s not loaded with people who can be compelled—by my charisma and shiny hair, I think—to open doors and press buttons for me.  Fortunately for me, there’s the ADA, which means most places have doors that can be opened by pressing a giant button nearby.  This button can be activated by foot, knee, elbow… whatever I’ve got available that’s covered in fabric.  Husband used to think this was terrible, until we told a friend who is a nurse and she confirmed that she does the same damned thing.  Because her job is to wash her hands eight billion times a day and the last thing she needs is to also have to wash them every time she touches a door panel crusted with ball sweat and ear wax. 

 

And now?

 

HIM:  (calls elevator with elbow)
ME:  Got you doing it too, huh?
HIM:  (whispers)  This is where sick people go to die!
ME:  Not this exact building
HIM:  You don’t know.  (points at directory plague)  (loudly)  People could die of… urology!
ALL:  (glance at woman who came up behind us)
ELEVATOR:  (arrives)
WOMAN:  (stares awkwardly at her phone through entire elevator ride to our floor, then goes straight through clinic doors rather than stopping at counter)
ME:  (at reception desk)  Can you tell me, that woman in blue who just walked in… does she work in the urology department?
RECEPTIONIST:  Oh… no, she’s in Neurosurgery with Dr. S.
ME:  (to Offspring) We’re telling your dad she’s in urology, right?
OFFSPRING:  Oh yeah.

 

 

surgeons in OR

“I’m sorry… His urology was just too advanced.  There was nothing we could do.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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28 comments on “Terminal Urology

  1. Well, have I stumbled upon a great blog, or what?

    Thanks for the morning giggles.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. bexoxo says:

    What about grocery carts (or buggies as some call them)? Do you use those because those things are the absolute nastiest! I’m 97% certain I got strep throat last year from using one of those things. From then on, I use 2 disinfecting wipes and hand sanitizer before and after use. Blech!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Ann says:

    So funny. I try to not to open doors with my hands too. Will use paper towels after drying hands in restrooms to open doors. Didn’t think about elevators.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Arionis says:

    So what happens when you are alone, facing a door with no automated assist? You just stand there until someone shows up? On a related note, maybe they should integrate hand sanitizer dispensers into the door handles so it gives you a little squirt when you open the door. Get your engineer working on that.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Honestly? It’s never been an issue. They either have an auto-open feature or can be kicked open, or someone’s already opening it for me. Always. I have no idea what would happen if one of those things didn’t occur… I’d promise to tell you about it, but I’ll probably get stuck there forever.

      I’ll be sure to mention your hand sanitizer idea to him, though 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Adeline says:

    Just here to say that “atomic finger herpes” literally made me laugh out loud… at work. Totally cool though, my cube-mates are used to me talking to myself under my breath so a random laugh wasn’t any cause for alarm or judgement.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. My pet hate is public transport. Youngfellas picking their nose and wiping it on the seat beside them! Aul lads sneezing on to your new coat …and don’t get me started on dirt bags scratching their balls and then pressing the stop button. You’re literally taking your life in your hands just going into town to do a bit of shopping! 😱😱😱

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I’m so impressed that you never open doors. I don’t mind doors myself, but I have my own thing about certain foods, and I am a master at weaving my way out of eating stuff I’m not into. If you don’t draw attention, it’s amazing what people fail to notice.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. mazmisc says:

    I’m still stuck thinking about semen on doorknobs.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Ritu says:

    I am never going anywhere without disposable gloves – Ever!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Jennifer says:

    I’ve never thought about it. But I also go backpacking and hiking and need to use outhouses.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Lutheranliar says:

    Funny you should post this (and yes, it’s also ‘funny’!), I was just reading in the Times about the absolute dirtiest things you can touch: buttons of all kinds, natch (like elevator) but also TV remotes, phones, um, pretty much anything and everything. I guess we should all just walk around wearing surgical gloves. Or just never ever touch anything — ever!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I vote option 2, clearly. Weirdly, I am not a clean freak at home; it’s only other people’s filth I reject. Though now you’ve got me thinking about the last time I disinfected the remote… it’s been a few months (my son tried to figure out the PIN by smearing olive oil on it so we’d leave finger prints on the necessary numbers. Kind of ingenious, except that we noticed right away and cleaned it off)

      Liked by 1 person

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