A Shower Warrior is Me

 

When I disappear from this site, it won’t be because I won the lottery.

 

It will be because the spiders finally got me.

 

horror flick woman screams as spiders descend

 

And he did nothing to stop it.

 

 

 

For the record, I am making great strides in conquering both my (perfectly reasonable, totally justified, 100% proportional to the danger) fear of spiders (those demons that want to jump in your eye and tangle their legs in your eyelashes and bite your eyeball).   I even… you know what?  Have a look at this, because someone needs to be proud of me, dammit:

 

 

ME:  Are you proud of me?
HIM:  … Sure?
ME:  I killed a spider in the shower!  All by myself!
HIM:  Oh.  Good for you.
ME:  (stunned)
HIM:  (goes about his business like I didn’t just risk my life in battle)
ME:  I’m surprised you didn’t hear me.  He was all walking—with all his legs, you know?—right up to the shower door and I screamed “You can’t sit with us!” and beat him to death with your shower gel.  You’ll need a new one, by the way.
HIM:  (staring)  No, I didn’t hear that.
ME:  Then it sort of slid down the wall, so I aimed the shower head at it—to drown it—and hopped out for a tick.
HIM:  … O-kay…
ME:  I also need a new shower puff.

 

stick drawing squashes spider with rolled up newspaper

only 100% more naked

 

 

I was in the bathroom the other day… in such a position that I couldn’t fight back at that exact moment, when an eight-legged nope-demon scrambled across the wall in a menacing fashion.  I must have cut quite an intimidating figure as I leaped up and yipped, because it ducked behind the curtain and I lost sight of it.  When I worked up the nerve to go looking (I know, I’m so fucking brave.  Still waiting on that medal from the War Department) it was… gone.

 

Gone.

 

Do you understand?  A fucking hellspawn was sighted in my bathroom and then vanished.  Obviously, the only rational course of action was to burn the house down, then sell  the rubble and move across the country.  But Husband isn’t terribly rational about these things, so instead I turned on every light in both the bathroom and the bedroom.  And in the hall, for good measure.  My logic was thus: if it came out of hiding, he would find no more dark corners to lurk in and would know that I was looking for him.  In mortal fear of the mighty huntress of legend, he would wiggle his way back out whatever hole allowed him access to my home.

 

Or just die of fright, I’m not picky.

 

spider survives flushing toilet

The point is, we can’t have this situation.

 

Long time readers are already aware of the flaw in my genius plan, but let me spell it out for the n00bs: MY HUSBAND IS A JERK-FACED CRAP WEASEL!  (See: the thing about lights)

 

Getting ready for bed just a couple of hours later, I found every single light upstairs had been turned off.  My bedroom was a minefield of potential lurking spiders with a grudge.

 

Told you.  Jerk-face.

 

ME:  (handing him new toiletries)  I need you to put these away.
HIM:  Why?
ME:  Because someone turned off the light in there.  So now our little friend (gestures) could be anywhere.
HIM:  (sighs, turns on light)  Oogeda-boogeda!
ME:  What was that?
HIM:  Trying to scare it.
ME:  Oh, like they’ve ever been scared of you.
HIM:  You know what they say… it’s more scared of you than you are of it.
ME:  Who says that?
HIM:  … They?
ME:  Are “they” idiots?
HIM:  Probably.  But I’m still not leaving the light on all night.
ME:  Fine, we’ll just die in our beds, then.
HIM:  You first.  (kisses)  G’night!

 

 

eyes in the dark

 

 

 

 

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31 comments on “A Shower Warrior is Me

  1. Oh good grief. I’m not overly bothered by spiders unless one leaps right at or into me, but that one trying to get out of the toilet bowl may have unnerved me for the rest of my days lol

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Jeffy says:

    I live in Australia. I get this on a genetic level. Nuff said.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I read your comment to Husband, who wants to know why someone would live in Australia if you’re afraid of spiders. So I had to explain:

      “No, you don’t understand. If you live in Australia, you’ve no choice but to be afraid of the spiders. Because they’re the size of small dogs!”

      “Right, but… I mean, I’m not advocating the use of nuclear weapons, but…”

      “I’m not sure that would actually kill the spiders at this point. They might just mutate.”

      Like

  3. Absolutely hilarious!! Don’t remember laughing out loud while reading a blog ever….

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Victor K says:

    My computer hides in the basement, where we seem to have an abundance of spiders. I’m not super fond of the bastards, but they kill mosquitoes (which I absolutely hate) so we seem to have come to an armistice for now.

    Side note: When my friend was a kid, he was terrified of spiders. So his dad did the only reasonable thing and bought him a rubber mallet to kill them with. Apparently resulted in several holes in the walls and one much happier child. As well, if he killed one and it stayed more or less intact he would put a pin through it and leave it stuck near the wall as a warning to the others. You could try that perhaps?

    Liked by 1 person

    • We had a friend who used the corpses of dead spiders as a warning to future spiders. His walls were absolutely crusted with dead spiders, and more kept coming.

      I suspect spiders have no concept of warning; they see a dead spider and think, “cool, so there’s a vacancy here!” The only thing they seem to understand, in terms of fear, is my cold gaze falling on them. Oh, they stop dead in their scuttling tracks then, and hold until I shout, or reach for a weapon—then they reverse course or bolt off in mad circles. They seem to understand that I am their death.

      (Telling me that spiders eat mosquitoes is like telling me bathing in blood is an effective sunscreen. I believe you, and that is a service I require, but I’ll find another way, thanks.)

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Jen says:

    I am proud of you for killing the evil Spider!!

    Some nights I leave the little light on my nightstand on all night due to evil spiders or scary movies. I have those power saving lightbulbs and it literally makes no difference to the power bill.

    I’ve already gone through a similar scenario at least 3 times this summer with large Spiders. I hate Spiders so much! I’ve even had the mystery disappearing spider (that I thought was dead, but ended up NOT dead.)

    The worst was going to the bathroom in the middle of the night and seeing something move in the curtains. So, after I finish, I slowly open up the curtains and find over 25 f’ing baby spiders! I spent over an hour freaking the frick out and killing spiders while Husband is passed out in bed. gah. Normally I send him to kill the Spiders but when I find them in the middle of the night, he is not quite awake… cognizant? yet.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Ah jaysis, last time I saw something hairy moving in the shower I fucking ran a mile when I heard it singing…”Jaysis I’m not that bad am I?” Says Jimmy when he emerged . He’s such a gobshite sometimes

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Adeline says:

    Okay so that toilet gif? Literally the exact same scene, even down to the size of the spider, happened to me at 4 freakin’ am in the morning. I was mid-squat when I noticed the spider. I just want to say that I’m still traumatized over that and haven’t used that bathroom since spider-gate.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I wouldn’t. Seriously. You’ll have to get a guy in to replace the toilet, and while he’s working you’ll have to kill him because obviously he’s in league with the spider. Otherwise why would he be in that bathroom? He’s probably a mass of spiders in a jumpsuit! No, shove him right into the hole in your floor and lock the door. Now call another guy to fix all of that—this professional will be more expensive, and will fix things with fire, which is fine. You’ll be in a hotel room in Barcelona while he does his thing, and when you come back you’ll have some insurance forms to fill out, but you’ll have to do it remotely in case your insurance agent is actually the spider. This is absolutely possible. See if you can sell your pile of ash and rubble, sight unseen, to one of those TV property flippers—I’m 97% sure they’re not spiders, and I would watch the shit out of that episode.

      Like

  8. I totally understand this … my other half will not believe me that bats sit on your back and eat your hair! Also, that I am not allowed outside when said bat is flying about… men don’t get it xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • I actually adore bats, but I totally get why people can be freaked out by them, due to the hair-tangling potential. Especially little ones, yup. Hollywood did not do them any favors there.

      I recommend getting a pet sugar glider: they’re basically nothing like bats, but of similar size and also have tiny hands and climb, and may help you get over that aversion. If not, you’ve got a pet sugar glider, which is the cutest fucking thing in the world. What are you complaining about?

      Liked by 1 person

  9. miasuttonblog says:

    Spiders are the spawn of Satan. I can’t even think about them without wanting to curl up and die. Why do they need so many legs? Why must they weave their webs? The only place they belong is crushed under a shoe. Not my shoe because I’m not going near them. But a shoe.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. TwistedHeart says:

    Would it be terribly cruel for your hubby to draw a spider on the t.p.?
    It’s hilarious!!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. We’ve had two giant house spider appearances in our apartment in the past week and I swear to god if they complete the trifecta then there’s nothing left to do but just burn the whole place down.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Arionis says:

    My wife is an arachnophobe of the highest order. When called upon, it’s my duty to show up with nothing less lethal than a flame thrower.

    P.S. Spellchecker tells me “arachnaophobe” is not a word. I think it is just scared to actually check a spider related word properly.

    Liked by 1 person

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